tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14911651971585758952024-03-13T15:52:24.616-04:00Voracious VividityAll things photography, writing, music and nerd.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-58981977651513622952013-07-15T12:32:00.000-04:002013-07-15T12:32:13.001-04:00Mewving!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Totally moved my blog.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Check out my bitchin bracelet. Yeeaaahhhh.</td></tr>
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Exported Voracious Vividity over to:</div>
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cszinegh.wordpress.com</div>
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So go there now! W00t!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-51670107701265109482013-07-11T11:39:00.004-04:002013-07-11T11:39:42.580-04:00Sloshing Through The Wetlands - Chapter 1So, my wonderful and disgusting friend Sebastian introduced me to this:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41NbrM2XF6L._SL500_AA300_.jpg" class="decoded" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41NbrM2XF6L._SL500_AA300_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Delicious.<br />www.amazon.ca<br />This is the North American cover. The German one is an avocado, which is honestly more gross than an armpit once you know the context.</td></tr>
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Actually, he just started randomly telling me about this German novel that actually made him cringe because there were so many parts that were hilariously gross. And because we are kindred spirits in the sense that we thing gross things are funny... well, my morbid curiosity was piqued. To my delight, I discovered that it had been translated into English and wandered down to Reflections to get a copy ordered. I'm willing to bet that the wonderful ladies down there wish that they didn't know that I wanted to read this. ^_^'</div>
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For those of you who know me, you know my sense of humour. It doesn't really know a lot of boundaries. Not much of my personality really knows a lot of boundaries, for that matter. I must give this book props, because there were parts that actually made me uncomfortable. That is a definite win. After reading, I wanted to share it with everyone, while simultaneously protect everyone from it, because ew.</div>
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Of course, sharing it won out. And I'd like to share it the best way I know how, by blogging it chapter by chapter. Because ew. :) And you're welcome.</div>
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So without further ado, I introduce you to Wetlands, by the very interesting Charlotte Roche. (P.S. Everywhere that talks about this book says that is is partially-autobiographical. Not sure how much of it is, but keep this in mind as we go. Or don't.)</div>
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<b>Wetlands - Chapter 1</b></div>
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<i>As far back as I can remember, I've had hemorrhoids.</i></blockquote>
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This has got to be one of the greatest opening lines in a book ever. Talk about a hook! The book is written in the first person, and in a very blunt way. The main character, Helen, is very uninhibited and crass, and completely shameless about everything she says. I absolutely love this style of writing, because it feels like a real person is talking to you.</div>
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<i>[...] I would scratch at my butthole in my sleep so much that I'd wake up in the morning with a brown stain in my underwear the size of the top of a cork. That's how much it itched, and that's how deep I'd stick my finger in. So yes, I'd say it's very unladylike.</i></blockquote>
She spends the first two pages describing her hemorrhoids and how she'd ignored them for many years for fear of someone finding out. She talks about what treatments she's had, and what salve she had to stop the itching. I'm not even joking.<br />
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Then we get a lovely description of how some of the hemorrhoids have worked their way out to surround her asshole. Her doctor calls it cauliflower.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like this, but on an asshole.</td></tr>
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If you're feeling like your morbid curiosity isn't satisfied here, just google cauliflower ass. Go ahead, I'll wait. You'll be so glad that you did.<div>
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<i>It's also a good way to test whether someone is serious about me. During one of the first few times I have sex with somebody new, I get us into my favourite position: doggy-style, me on all fours with my face down, him behind me with his tongue in my pussy and his nose in my ass. He's got to work his way in there, because the hole is covered with the vegetable. I call this position "stuff your face," and so far nobody has complained.</i></blockquote>
After cringing at the visual of this, I have to say there's actually a good theme in this passage. In general, it says that to be with someone, you have to love everything about them, the good and the bad. That includes cauliflower ass.<br />
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Helen goes on to talk about how she loves anal, so she's had to train herself to relax so as to loosen up the affected area for sex. Then we get into the shaving. She shaves her pussy, legs, armpits, and the top of her feet, and also plucks her upper lip.<br />
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<i>Back to shaving my ass.</i></blockquote>
Roche does a lot of this in the narrative, which makes me laugh my ass of every time. "Back to-", and it's always something very blunt. It's not the best grammar, but in a story told by an eighteen year old (yes, Helen is only eighteen) girl, it's believable and hilarious.<br />
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Helen goes on to describe how she positions herself in the mirror to study her asshole every day, and also uses this technique to shave it. She talks about how she's conflicted about shaving, because she used to be totally fine just being hairy all the time. For the people that have ranted and raved about how this is an extremely feminist book, this is one of those instances where I'll agree. I personally shave certain parts of my body because I like the way it feels and looks. When I am too lazy to shave my legs, or it's winter and I want that extra layer of warmth, I don't. And I don't particularly care what other people view it as. It's my body, and if I want smooth legs I'll fucking shave them. I like how Helen can say that she was totally comfortable with her body hair. Now she shaves everything because she's addicted to it.<br />
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<i>[...] I always rush it and end up pressing too hard. Which is exactly how I caused the anal lesion that's the reason I'm lying here in the hospital now. Blame it all on lady-shaving. Feel like Venus. Be a goddess.</i></blockquote>
Also this bitch is so witty. It was at this point (by the way, we're only on page three) that I decided that I liked this character a lot. She's nasty, but she's comfortable with who she is, and she's funny as fuck.<br />
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So at this point we learn that the setting of the book is in a hospital room, where she's laid up because she has an anal lesion. She tells us that a lesion is a 'hairline rip of cut in the skin of your rosette'. And it got infected, because it's an open wound on an asshole, which means abscessed.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.anoregoncottage.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/rosette-frosted-cupcakes600.jpg" class="decoded" height="400" src="http://www.anoregoncottage.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/rosette-frosted-cupcakes600.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="396" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I feel like 'rosette' is not the best term for asshole.<br />On a side note, those cupcakes look delicious.<br />www.anoregoncottage.com</td></tr>
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Also the hemorrhoids are pushing against it, ripping it further open and making it hurt a lot. She says it hurts even more than when she accidentally ripped out her nipple ring pulling off a sweater (OW), also that's why her nipple looks like a snake's tongue now (EW).<br />
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<i>Back to my bum.</i></blockquote>
Tee hee! Anyway, she left school to go to the hospital and ended up in what she calls the "ass unit". She talks about how she's not allowed to move, and has to lay on the bed with her ass exposed towards the door so that everyone that comes in can see what's up.<br />
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<i>And they talk about pus and an engorged blister that's hanging out of the wound on my butthole. I picture the blister like the skin on the neck of one of those tropical birds that puffs its throat out when trying to mate. A shimmering, inflated, red-blue sac.</i></blockquote>
I have to point out that the imagery here is written beautifully.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/multimedia/dynamic/00136/Galapagos-6_136361k.jpg" class="decoded" height="266" src="http://www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/multimedia/dynamic/00136/Galapagos-6_136361k.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">AHHHH IMAGINE THAT ON YOUR ASSHOLE!!! NOOOOOO!<br />thesundaytimes.co.uk</td></tr>
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The proctologist, Dr. Notz, comes in and jams his finger up in Helen's ass to check it out. He asks her if she's had anything to eat, and she says no, which is good because then she can be knocked out for the surgery that needs to take place immediately. She asks him exactly what they're going to do, and he tells her they'll be cutting a wedge-shaped incision, and she wants him to draw a diagram.<br />
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The doc is weirded out by this (aren't we all?), but he draws a circle with a triangular wedge cut out. She doesn't feel any better informed, and makes an internal comment about his artistic talent, then asks if they'll be cutting out the cauliflower too. He tells her yes, and then:<br />
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<i>He walks out, leaving me lying in the puddle of water from the blister.</i></blockquote>
Delicious. The anesthesiologist comes in, makes sure she's eighteen, and tells her how he'll be sitting by her head the entire operation to make sure she's breathing. She feels bad for him because his job is to squat the whole time.<br />
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<i>He's brought a contract that I'm supposed to sign. It says the operation could result in incontinence. I ask how it could affect my pissing. He grins and says this refers to anal incontinence. Never heard of it. But suddenly I realize what this means: "You mean I might lose control of my sphincter muscles and then I could just crap myself anytime and anyplace and would need a diaper and stink all the time?"</i></blockquote>
The 'sandman', as she calls the anesthesiologist, tells her that that rarely happens, so she signs the contract. Helen prays to god that it won't happen, that she won't have to wear a diaper at age eighteen.<br />
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<i>And you certainly don't look cool in them.</i> </blockquote>
LOL.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://a57.foxnews.com/www.foxnews.com/images/442399/350/450/1_21_092508_diapers02.jpg" class="decoded" height="400" src="http://a57.foxnews.com/www.foxnews.com/images/442399/350/450/1_21_092508_diapers02.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="311" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I literally googled "looking cool in adult diapers" and got this.<br />www.foxnews.com</td></tr>
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She asks the sandman if it would be okay for her to see the piece that they cut out after the surgery is over.<br />
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<i>"I don't like the idea that a part of me could end up in the trash along with aborted fetuses and appendixes without my being able to picture it. I want to hold it in my hand and examine it." </i></blockquote>
Okay, I get checking shit out on your body. Everyone does it. Everyone picks at stuff on their skin, peeks into the toilet after taking a shit, looks at the q-tip after cleaning their ears, all of that crap. Anyone who says they don't is a liar. We, as humans, are obsessed with our own bodies, because these are our vessels and we can check them out as much as we want.<br />
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But holding the chunk of abscessed anal cauliflower that got removed from your ass? I've never been in that situation, but I really don't feel like I'd want to examine that too closely. I don't know for sure... but ew. Props to Helen for being brave enough to ask, though. The sandman seems totally fine with this, and preps a catheter for where they'll be pumping the anesthesia.<br />
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He leaves her, and while she's waiting for a nurse to come take her to surgery, she continues to pray to 'nonexistent God' to keep her from having anal incontinence. She says that if she gets out okay, she'll stop doing all of the things that give her a bad conscience.<br />
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<i>Like the game I play with my friend Corinna where we run through the city drunk and grab people's eyeglasses, break them, and then chuck them into the street.</i></blockquote>
That's not very nice, Helen. She reflects that they had to run away quickly, because people were so pissed off that they could chase them pretty well even without their glasses. She goes on to say that the game is stupid anyway because they sober up from all of the adrenaline and it's just a big waste of money.<br />
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This is a turning point in the reader's view of Helen because it's the first time she confesses to doing something pretty horrible. Up until now, yes she does some weird things, but to herself. This is where we learn that her and her best friend get drunk and break other people's things. It's pretty shitty, and I felt like she was being really casual about it.<br />
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<i>Actually, I'd like to give up that game anyway- sometimes at night I dream of the faces of the people whose glasses we've just plucked off. It's as if we've ripped off a body part.</i> </blockquote>
But then she examines it, addresses it, and reflects on how it affected the people they did it to. Which shows some growth and maturity. Which, you know, is good. Anyway, she decides to give that game up immediately, and tries to think of other things she can pledge to give up.<br />
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<i>Maybe if it's absolutely necessary I'll give up the hookers. That would be a major sacrifice, though.</i> </blockquote>
There's no more explanation of this here, but you just wait for it. Helen decides instead that she's going to be the best patient the hospital has ever had.<br />
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<i>I'll clean up my own messes. Like the fluid from my blister.</i></blockquote>
She peeks around the room to see that there are rubber gloves, and a container full of wipes, diapers, disposable underwear, toweling, and plastic bed covers with cloth on one side. She puts one cloth side down to soak up the mess, and one on top cloth side up so that she's comfortable.<br />
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<i>Well done, Helen. Despite the hellish pain, you are your own best nurse. Anyone who can take care of herself so well with definitely recuperate quickly. I'll have to be a bit more hygienic here in the hospital than I am outside in my normal life.</i></blockquote>
Thus ends chapter 1, with a wonderful segue into chapter 2. I won't spoil the opening line of the next chapter, but I think you can guess where this is going.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://dogz.in/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/dog-cleaning-brush-teeth-298x2321.jpg" class="decoded" height="311" src="http://dogz.in/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/dog-cleaning-brush-teeth-298x2321.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Let's just say this entire dog is cleaner than Helen's vagina.<br />www.dogz.in</td></tr>
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<b>Wetlands Schedule</b><br />
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I'm going to try to do these once a week, between Tuesdays and Thursdays sometime because those are my days off. But, I may get excited and decide to do one before then, if I have time in the evenings over the weekend. So we'll see. In between I'll likely blog about other stuff that doesn't require so much reading and research, but I'm going to keep a loose leash on this one. At the very least, you'll have chapter two by next Thursday.<br />
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And I won't blame you if you have to go out and buy this book now. Morbid curiosity is a devilish thing. ;PAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-59595259399949820982013-07-11T09:36:00.002-04:002013-07-11T09:36:28.339-04:00Gonna Eat Me A Lotta PeachesI know I totally said that my regular blogging activities would resume on Tuesday, and that it is now Thursday. My bad. Better late than never, though, right? :) It's been a little crazy the last few weeks, working lots, moving, and getting ready for tomorrow's gig. Super exciting time! Our move was a very long two days but we made it through, and the new place is really coming together. Also we're just super gay and happy all the time because living together kicks ASS. :)<div>
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It's like a little nerd cave in here. We have wayyyyy too many books. Except there's no such thing as too many books. We had just enough shelving for them all, like almost exactly. And then the Bookery has this buy 3 get 1 free sale... and yeah, now we don't have enough room. Also it's not like we're never going to buy more, seriously we need stuff to read, yo!<div>
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So yeah, after we're properly settled, I have a bitchin' work shift now which will allow me a nice chunk of time each week to work on writing and blogging. Also yay, a functioning office! It's not together yet, and will totally also have exercise equipment in it, but yay, functioning office! I spent a lot of time laying in bed with my laptop and it is so bad for the body. :P</div>
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Also, gigging! For the first time in a long time, dad and I will be returning to the ears of innocent bystanders. This time, instead of plaguing the internet, we'll be plaguing downtown Elora from the patio at Wreckless Eric. Mike is calling us 'Get Wrecked', which is fucking awesome. Our first is tomorrow, and then we'll be playing every Friday there at 7:00. Which is going to be fun as hell. Simultaneously, absolutely terrifying. Whee!</div>
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Anyway I just thought I'd toss in a little life update for y'all before I jump into my new series of posts which I just know everyone is going to love. Or love to hate. ^_^'</div>
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Also I totes made peach jam yesterday and Imma eat some before I start. You may want to eat first, too. Not sure if you want to be ingesting anything during this next post.</div>
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It's great to be back! W00t!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-48028215546110924202013-06-14T13:05:00.002-04:002013-06-14T13:05:47.748-04:00Releasing The Beast<div>
So my man and I went to see the Purge. As far as your run of the mill horror movies go, it was mostly predictable and shitty. I don't recommend watching it until it's on TMN or something, or however it is that you kids watch free movies nowadays.</div>
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That being said, the reason we went to see it is because the idea behind it is fascinating. The basics, for those of you who haven't seen the trailer, is that in America, once a year for twelve hours, nothing is illegal. So from 7pm to 7am once a year, you can kill, loot, burn, rape, whatever it is that you want to do, and there are no police or emergency services available to anyone. For the rest of the year, life goes on, and there is no crime and unemployment is at like 1%.</div>
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Spoilers ahead, although the movie is so fucking predictable that I don't think it would really ruin anything.</div>
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This is such an interesting plot that of course my interest was piqued. The movie disappointed, but it did spark my boyfriend and I talking about it for about two days straight. So kudos to whoever thought of the concept, but the movie was lacking in the sense that it was only about one family in a house and didn't address any bigger issues.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also this bitch was in it and even though she was one of the 'good guys', I still hated her the entire time. Which made me realize she's a really amazing actress. Because I will hate her forever.</td></tr>
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So the basic plot of the movie is that this family has a snazzy security system to barricade themselves in their house. They have a teenage daughter and a younger son, and he doesn't really understand or agree with the Purge. When a man outside is screaming for help, the little boy lets him inside, and then a pack of incredibly terrifying rich kids show up and demand the guy back, saying if they don't get what they want, they'll break in and kill the whole family too.<div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.onsecrethunt.com/wallpaper/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/The-Purge-2013-Pics-Images-Photos.jpg" class="decoded" height="225" src="http://www.onsecrethunt.com/wallpaper/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/The-Purge-2013-Pics-Images-Photos.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seriously, this guy's face is fucking SCARY.<br />www.onsecrethunt.com</td></tr>
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The family decides to find this guy that's hiding in their house and give him up to save themselves. See, he's middle class, so he's meant to be killed during the purge. The killers outside even refer to him as 'swine'. When they finally do catch him, they realize that it's not right to give him up, and decide to fight instead. There's a lot of slasher shit, the kids are annoying and retarded, some horribly predictable action, a not-too-believable betrayal by the neighbours, and then the Purge ends.</div>
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And that's the movie. I'm pretty sure by the end of it this family wanted to move to Canada.<br /><div>
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The only really thought provoking scene in the movie is when the little boy asks his parents why they don't go out and kill people. They respond that they don't feel the need to. He doesn't understand why they can be well adjusted moral human beings without killing once a year, while other people do have to. This, to me, is the most fucked up part of the Purge. The people that participate seriously believe that it's their 'god-given right' to Purge their souls, that they are entitled to it. But the mere fact that some people don't need to do it to be normal (aka not serial killers), means that the people that are 'purging' are still fucking psychopaths.</div>
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The whole idea that humans have this beast inside them that needs to kill in order for them to be functioning members of society? I don't buy it. People that have a 'beast' that makes them want to torture and kill? They're not good people. And in the universe of this movie, at any moment on the bus, at the grocery store, at the bar, you could be standing next to someone that has maimed people. That is, in my mind, so unacceptable I can't even fully wrap my head around it.</div>
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Now, the reason why the Purge exists is never actually addressed. Some of the characters talk about how it Purges their soul, so it's almost seen as a religious thing, but I doubt that the church was what started it. My theory is that the American government wanted some population control, and what easier way to deal with it than to let people kill each other? The reason why there is no unemployment is because the unemployed get killed during the Purge. Only the rich can properly protect themselves with their fancy security systems. Thus all of the homeless people hiding in dumpsters get killed by the crazies out for blood.</div>
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Or at least most of them. And then what about us run-of-the-mill middle class people? If there were a Purge in Canada right now, I'd be fucked. We'd have to barricade the windows and doors with two by fours or something. Even then someone could still burn it down. I think the best way to do it would be to get the hell out of the country for a few days and hope that my house was still there when I got back. Or just head up north to the wilderness and keep moving until the twelve hours was up.</div>
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It's a chilling thought. I live in a small town, and my boyfriend and I were sitting there calculating how many people we think would actually participate in something like that. It's hard to tell what people's deep rooted fantasies and needs are, and most people probably wouldn't even know it was there until law was completely lifted. People can get crazy in crazy situations.</div>
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The other thing that wasn't addressed was everything other than murder. What about the people that don't want to kill, they just want to have some fun vandalizing or stealing stuff? What about all of the businesses? Would they have the money to barricade up their stores, or put all of their products in storage? Insurance must be super expensive and hard to get in this universe, or maybe insurance doesn't cover anything within the twelve hours of the purge. I seriously would not want to be a store owner in this movie.</div>
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But that's another question entirely. If middle class people and lower keep getting killed, gas stations blown up, grocery stores looted or burned to the ground, who the hell takes care of the rich people for the rest of the year? I mean obviously not everyone in the country is going to get killed, but how many places do you think are closed the next day due to it's owners dying or the buildings getting fucked up? "Ah, another purge done, let's go grab a Frappucino!" Whoops, Starbucks is closed because all of the people that worked there got killed last night. And none of these rich people would be caught dead working there, and there are no teenagers around trying to save up money for university, so no more Starbucks.</div>
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Honestly that wouldn't be such a bad thing. I make a way better frappe then them anyway. But you see my point.</div>
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My boyfriend brought up a good point about the jail system, too. If there's no law, do the doors open and all of the criminals get to go free? Or, during the first purge, did all of the wardens walk around killing every single inmate? Are there even jails anymore? If everyone waits until the purge to commit crimes, would there even be anyone in jail anyway? I guess you'd still have people that want to break the law during the rest of the year, but I doubt that we would have a ton of people occupying jail cells in that universe. And every year, they'd either get to run amuck or get killed by other inmates or the wardens, so they'd likely be fairly empty.</div>
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So in conclusion... I guess I don't really have a conclusion. I just wanted to talk about some of the things that I thought about during and after watching this movie. If you have any, I'd love to discuss them, it's such a fascinating idea. And scary, because things like this sometimes almost seem plausible to happen. Horrible things happen every day all around the world, and I try not to put things like this past people.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I am seriously stoked for people to start writing fanfiction about this! Go!</td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-39951199359621815742013-06-05T08:41:00.001-04:002013-06-05T08:41:45.184-04:00Jealousy Is Not A Fish You Should Catch<br />
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Hi. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a counselor. I'm not an expert. What I am, is a human female with opinions. And I so much love to share them. Remember this as you read today, because while I totally know what I'm talking about, all of this is based on my experiences, and may not directly apply to yours. However, it's definitely food for thought.</div>
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For some reason in the last little while, I've had people talking to me a lot about jealousy. Either they themselves are very jealous, or their spouses are. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I know this is because I am finally with someone that is not a jealous jerkface, and it's like a breath of fresh trusting relationship. Noms! I often find myself giving people advice on how to deal with jealousy, because I've spent much of my life in relationships without trust, and learned time and time again that it doesn't work.</div>
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So, here are my thoughts, whether you want them or not! Muahahaha!</div>
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<b>Green With Envy</b></div>
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In reality, jealousy is kind of normal. Humans are, at the core, selfish creatures. We view the world from our own heads, which means that our personal universes very literally revolve around ourselves. We have to take care of ourselves to live, and most of us want to live well, so we do things to make us happy so that we have a fulfilling life on this planet. Some people seem to have more fulfilling lives from the eyes of others, and it's a natural human condition to envy this... to a point.</div>
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For example, I'm walking my dog, and I see a guy with a Snickers bar. My immediate reaction is to really want a Snickers bar. And while I may innately be plotting how to knock the guy out and steal it, the rational thing to do is to go to the store and buy myself some chocolate.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.todayifoundout.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/snickers1.jpg" class="decoded" height="275" src="http://www.todayifoundout.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/snickers1.jpg" style="cursor: move; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px; padding-top: 4px; text-align: center;">Fuck, now I really want a Snickers. Sweet gooey heaven........</td></tr>
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A very basic example, and some of you may not have the same chocolate rage as I do, but it can be applied to most situations. Say, you're at the bar with your guy, and he sees a female friend of his and they hug when they say hello. Knee jerk reaction may be 'get your paws off my man', but rationally, you smile and say hello, because they're both human adults and your guy is allowed to have friends. Also maybe you could give her a hug too. And... you know what, that'll just take me off on a tangent that I'm not sure everyone really wants to read. Moving on.</div>
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In any case, people that you would perceive as non-jealous totally have thoughts inside their heads, they just know how to be rational about it. And they want to be happy and secure, which can take work. And also leads me to my next point.</div>
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<b>Not Trusting your Partner is a Sign of Personal Insecurity</b></div>
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Chick magazines and advice columns will often tell you that if your partner accuses you of cheating all the time, it means that they themselves are cheating. While that may be the case sometimes, most of the time it just means that they're insecure about themselves.</div>
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I've learned over the course of my relationships that it's impossible to love or be loved by anyone properly if you don't love yourself. One of the main reasons for this is that if you don't feel like you deserve it, or you don't feel worth it, then you project those feelings on to your partner.</div>
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This is where these accusations can stem from. If your partner subconsciously doesn't feel like he or she deserves your love and devotion, they become jealous because they feel that you'll be giving it to somebody else.</div>
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Seriously though, it is a personal problem. And it's one that you need to address with your partner, if you're invested enough in the relationship to help them work through it. There's nothing that you can do or say to 'show' them that you're being faithful if they suspect it, because <i>you</i> are secure in the fact that you are being faithful. You know that you're not doing anything wrong, and you shouldn't have to prove it to them because they should trust you.<div>
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I'm not saying that you're completely absolved of any work here, because you can help, but ultimately this is something that they need to fix in their own heads. And if you want to stick around and help, you need to communicate to them that the mistrust is a problem. Tell them how it makes you feel, and then encourage them to talk to you about how they feel. And try to work out the reasons why they feel that way. Both of you need to be calm and rational and examine all angles.</div>
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<b>Why?</b></div>
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I think the most common reason I've heard to defend jealousy in a relationship is 'I've been cheated on before'. I know it's awful. It sucks to have your trust betrayed, to feel stupid because you didn't see any signs, to feel used and hurt because you feel you weren't good enough.</div>
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But things like that breed insecurity. And you have to snap back from it. It wasn't your fault, and in no way should you be blaming yourself because someone else didn't know how to be in a relationship with you. They have their own deep seated issues to deal with, and there are a number of reasons in their heads that they did what they did, but in no way should you stew over why you weren't good enough. It was their loss, plain and simple, and eventually, you need to get over it.</div>
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Carrying this kind of mistrust into a new relationship is unhealthy and unfair to your new partner. They haven't done anything wrong, and you can't take the sins of other people and project them into new relationships. This requires being strong, realizing that you are worth loving, and that the person that hurt you in the past wasn't.</div>
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I've heard many reasons to defend why it's okay to be jealous, and one that I just don't understand and infuriates me is 'I'm just a jealous person'.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px; padding-top: 4px; text-align: center;">This is what my face looks like when people say this to me.<br />Image: www.edito.tn<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></td></tr>
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No, you're an irrational person. And you're an asshole. At least when people come up with excuses or reasons, they know deep down that their actions are wrong, and they can try to fix it. People that just shrug and don't seem to care that their jealousy is hurting people... they are probably best helped with a rocket launcher. To the face.<div>
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<b>Distrust Without a Cause is Emotional Abuse</b></div>
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It may seem like I'm getting a little heated here, and don't be alarmed, but I am. I know firsthand that unnecessary mistrust can seriously hurt a person. If you're constantly accusing your partner of being unfaithful with no cause and for no reason, that is emotional abuse. You're hurting yourself because you can't relax and be in a loving happy relationship, and you're hurting them because you're not allowing them to do the same. And they're just going to feel like they're not good enough and that they have to somehow show you that they're true to you.</div>
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You know what the only way to show that is? To just be faithful. And if you are, and your partner doesn't believe you, and is possessive and jealous, and won't listen to reason... rocket launcher. ^_^'</div>
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Here I am being a hypocrite and getting irrational. But seriously, in all calmness, being in a relationship with someone that treats you like this is unhealthy. You'll start to doubt yourself and feel like shit because you can't convince your partner that you're being faithful. It should be innocent unless proven guilty (notice how I used <i>unless</i>, not <i>until</i>), not the other way around.</div>
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Also, the whole 'it's not you I don't trust, it's everyone else' bit? Complete bullshit. If they trusted you, they would trust you to decline advances from 'everyone else', and it would be a non-issue.</div>
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<b>Nobody is an Object to be Possessed</b></div>
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Another shitty side effect of jealousy is possessiveness. Not only is someone accusing you of infidelity, but they also want to show everyone that you belong to them. While some people think that possessiveness means love, no, it doesn't. You are both human beings, and you are equal.</div>
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Let's take a little field trip down memory lane for a moment. There was this guy I used to date, and there were signs when we first got together that he might be a little bit of a jealous dude. The biggest red flag that I noticed was that he was only affectionate with me if I was around other guys. Now, I have a lot of male friends. And I am a super affectionate person. I get how this might be jarring to some people, but I am who I am, and you have to learn really fast that I'm not going to give up hugging my friends because you can't handle it.</div>
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Anyway, we would be hanging out with friends, and I'd turn my head to speak to a dude, and all of a sudden, my guy would be like wrapped around me. Or we'd be at the bar, standing next to each other, and a random dude would walk up to the bar to get a drink and all of a sudden I'd be wearing my boyfriend like a coat.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px; padding-top: 4px; text-align: center;">Yup, that facial expression about sums up how I felt.<br />Image: icanhas.cheezburger.com</td></tr>
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Now, I'm not saying it's not okay to be affectionate in public, I'm totally cool with that. But using it to 'stake your claim' on me when anything with a penis is within a five foot radius? It feels like you're peeing on my peg to mark your territory. It also makes me feel like I'm not even a person to you, just a toy.</div>
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When I'm out with my current man, we socialize with our friends, with random people, whatever. We're affectionate, but because we want to show our affection. It has nothing to do with anyone around us, it's just like 'hey, you're fucking adorable, come here for a sec'. And if some girl happened to be into my man and flirted with him or whatever? I'm secure in the fact that he loves me and that he'll tell her no. Go ahead and try ladies, I know he's sexy and charming, but he's comin home with little ol' me!</div>
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*girly sigh*</div>
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Anyway, it's the first time I've been in a relationship with a guy that gives me that same respect back. I've dated a long string of dudes that assume every time I left the house I was heading to a gang bang. Actually one guy I dated literally used to say that when I was walking out the door to hang out with my friends. It was disgusting.</div>
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<b>So From Both Sides...</b></div>
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My summarized advice is this. </div>
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If you're the jealous one, try to examine exactly why. Then put yourself in your partner's shoes, and imagine how shitty you're making them feel. Then talk to them about it, without accusation, hash everything out, tell them your life story, whatever. You need to be able to admit to yourself that it's a personal issue and try to figure out what about yourself you need to work on to fix your security. By continuing down this path of jealousy, you will likely just push your partner away when they realize that they can't be in a relationship without trust.</div>
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If you're the one with a jealous partner, talk to them about how you're feeling. Ask them about why they think they feel the way they do, and help them figure out what the reasons are. Examine it with them and try to help them see that they're hurting you by treating you this way, and that it's not acceptable. If you don't stand up for yourself, they will continue to emotionally abuse you until you go insane.</div>
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Of course, there's always the option of moving on and finding someone that will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. If that's what you need to do, then do so! Just make sure to tell the person you're moving on from exactly why. Maybe it'll make them examine themselves and stop treating people like crap.</div>
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So, anyways, I guess the moral of the story is that without trust you can't have a happy and healthy relationship. Or so my personal experience goes, anyway. I know people that have been married for decades that are still together after cheating kerfuffles in their early years that are totally happy now. They have their little insecurities here and there, but it's not the end of the world. I can't really tell anyone how to live their life, but for the people that are suffering from being smothered with unnecessary jealousy, I hope this helped you.<div>
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Also this:<br /><div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px; padding-top: 4px; text-align: center;">I don't know guys, I just really wanted to use this picture.<br />Image: huggywuggies.blogspot.com<br /></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-29778722292143087292013-05-27T13:40:00.004-04:002013-05-27T13:40:49.577-04:00A Dyslexic Man Walks Into A BraAs a writer, or creator of anything, sometimes you just get stuck, or you don't know how to start. I had to rewrite that sentence eight times before I got it right, so there's a good example. It's not easy to make stuff up, even if you have an overactive imagination and a million ideas, sometimes nothing wants to come out of your head. Or at least, not in the way that you want it to.<br />
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I've dealt with this a lot in my life. When I was about seven years old, I was convinced that I would be a bestselling author by fifteen. When I hit fifteen, I thought eighteen. Eighteen came, and I thought twenty, twenty would be the year. Now I'm twenty six, and still not there. Thus, I have had some pretty epic bouts of writer's block. And will have more in the future. Some people would call it procrastination, and sometimes they may be right. But creative endeavours can't be forced, otherwise they come out sounding forced.<br />
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I've learned a few ways to help this problem, that work for me. These would work for any kind of creative outlet, like music or art. Well they work for me, anyway, so if you've got blockage and you're stuck give them a try. Four out of five doctors don't know me so they can't recommend shit.<br />
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(Speaking of shit, I spent about twenty minutes before this blog post reading synonymous phrases for pooping... you have been warned.)<br />
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<b>Pinching a Brain-Loaf Tip #1: Make Time</b><br />
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"I don't have enough TIME!" It's one of the oldest excuses in the book (), I know, because I'm guilty of it too. Sometimes life gets really busy, and you feel like you never have any time to sit down and write. But there is always <i>some</i> time. Even if you can only squeeze in fifteen minutes a day, and even if you spend it staring at a blank page, at least you're trying. A lot can be accomplished in fifteen minutes, whether you think it can or not.<br />
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Of course this can backfire, in case you get on a roll and lose track and write half a novel and miss the next 24 hours. But at least you accomplished what you sat down to do!<br />
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This tip is the most important, because it lets your brain know that at least once a day it's writing time. It gets your mind into a routine, and might start the flow on those creative juices more often because you're twisting the nozzle a little each time. There are so many things wrong with that metaphor, I can't even begin to list them.<br />
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<b>Birthing a Chocolate Brain Dragon Tip #2: Read Awesome Books</b><br />
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This is usually the one that gets my fingers itching for the keyboard. Everyone gets inspired by something, and I find that my writing brain explodes when I read certain books. My #1 go-to is The Gunslinger by Stephen King, although that's a dangerous one because then I end up having to read all seven Dark Tower books before I even have a chance to write. Because Dark Tower.<br />
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If you don't want to get sucked into a series or too long of a novel and just need a little dose of story goodness, try a short story compilation or articles on writing. I love reading author blogs, because they are usually blogging about how excited they are about their writing, and it gets me excited too.<br />
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If I'm going for a certain genre, I find reading really good books in that genre will get my blood pumping faster with creative bugs. I started my sci-fi epic because I was deep in Revelation Space by Alastair Reynolds. Not only did the story blow my mind, but it was so beautifully written that I just wanted to know what it was like to be immersed in my own heavy science fiction writing action.<br />
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The flip side to this is to read a really shitty book. If it sucks the big one, it may make you angry enough that it exists that you'll be inspired to write something better. I've seen this happen firsthand, with <a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">The Boss</a>. I hate 50 Shades of Grey, but if it didn't exist, I would have never found Jenny Trout and her amazing serial novel.<br />
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<b>Dropping the Brain Kids off at the Pool Tip #3: Bounce Ideas Off People</b><br />
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I just pictured writing an idea on paper, crumpling it into a ball, and physically bouncing it off of someone, and I laughed.<br />
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Anyway, getting together with a friend, spouse, cousin, or even a total stranger, and talking about your ideas can often help. Or even if you don't tell them that you're stuck, you just kind of steer conversation onto something similar to what you're writing, something might click in your head when something is said. Tee hee, accidental rhyming.<br />
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What I like to do sometimes is play the if game. I'll just randomly ask one of my friends "Hey, if you were in [situation] and [stuff] happened, what would you do?". And see where they roll with it. If you don't have cool enough friends for that, throw it up on Twitter or Facebook or a forum somewhere. Or in my comments. I love questions like that. :)<br />
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Speaking of forums, the internet is a great place to find like-minded people that have had the same blockage problems as you. These are great people to bounce ideas with because they have ideas they want bounced too. It's an idea-bounce-a-palooza! I suck at inventing words.<br />
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I've thought of a more intense variation of the idea bouncing tip, but it's one I've never tried. If anyone has, let me know how it works out, because I feel like it would really work if you had people that would be willing to help you out. If you're stuck in the middle of a story, get some people (actors?) together and roleplay it. Of course for certain stories you may have to really play pretend, but I feel like if you had serious people that could put themselves in the moment, magic could happen here. If they really get in character and kind of take the scene away... could you imagine? That would be sweet! Improv, anyone?<br />
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<b>Releasing the Brain Trout Tip #4: Pay Attention</b><br />
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Depending on what you're writing, everyday life could blurt something out right in your face that you can use. For example, if you're writing a story that centres around a character that works in a restaurant, go to a restaurant and drink in the surroundings. You never know what you might see, or what might jog something in your mind.<br />
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Even if the main location in your book isn't attainable in real life, just watching people interact in public may help you get to know your characters better. I often see my characters in other people. That's actually how I got my book cover for Silent Pictures, by seeing a temp at work that looked exactly like the Sandy-Haired Man. It was a totally awkward introduction on my part, but I had to talk to the guy because it was just awesome that I was looking at the living incarnate of one of my characters.<br />
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So next time you're hanging out in a coffee shop or trolling the mall, watch people and their interactions, and you might see something that you can use.<br />
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<b>Pissing out your Brain-Ass Tip #5: Ask For Help</b><br />
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That one was really gross, LOL!<br />
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This tip is similar to #3, except you literally ask someone to help you out. You lay out what you're stuck on, and they help you brainstorm. Now, you need to make sure that they're totally okay giving you ideas, fully knowing that you might use them. If they're like "I can't believe I thought of that, I'm going to do something with it!" don't steal it, because it's not yours. I feel like I shouldn't have to say 'don't be a dick', but at this point random people are reading my blog that I don't know, and they may be dicks. I don't want to be responsible for that, so disclaimer: don't be an asshole!<br />
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Anyway, if you know somebody that is totally cool handing out ideas and helping you brainstorm, ask them for help! My boyfriend used his amazingly creative and witty brain to channel my current main character and come up with a name for her, because I couldn't for the life of me think of one. It was awesome. It's hard to come up with things sometimes, and if you're really stuck, just sitting back and asking someone else to take a look at it can make all the difference. They can give you a fresh perspective.<br />
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<b>Fighting Brain Splashback Tip #7: Write Something Else</b><br />
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I know that there's always that main story idea that is your baby and you just want so badly for it to come into existence, but sometimes is just hasn't percolated enough to be poured. I think I should get my guy to come up with my metaphors, too. *facepalm*<br />
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Anyway, if you're having trouble writing your main event, try writing something totally different. At least you're still writing, right? (Write? Har har, I know I'm a terrible person.) In the spirit of Tip #1, you're training your brain to be in writing mode, even if you're writing something else. At least you're creating something, whether it's useful or not.<br />
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Questioning usefulness is a great segue towards mentioning my blog. I may not always post things that are technically useful (see: my <a href="http://cszinegh.blogspot.ca/2012/10/the-5-most-gargantuan-cocks-in.html" target="_blank">post about cocks</a>), but at least I'm writing. It's good exercise for your brain, and it also dumps out some ideas or information that may be taking up the space that should be designated to your bestselling novel. There is absolutely no scientific study to back up that claim, but it's a fun theory, no?<br />
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Sometimes I like to take a character out of a story and write a little short story or scene placing them in a totally different situation, or a part of their past. This is extra helpful because you might learn something new about that character that can be relevant to your main story. And it helps you get further into that character's head, learn their reactions, and be able to write them more efficiently.<br />
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So whether it's starting a blog, writing a short story, poem, or an article about genitals, writing is writing, and at least you're being (somewhat) productive.<br />
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<b>Soaking a Brain Cigar Tip #7: <i>Do</i> Something Else</b><br />
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If you've tried all of these things and somehow are still maniacally staring at a blank page, get the fuck up and do something completely different. Sometimes you just need to unplug and relax. Try doing something that you've never done before, like this one time I had writer's block so bad that I went for a jog. It didn't really fix my writer's block, but I learned that I hate jogging. But it dislodged the idea that if I write outside, I can smoke at the same time, thus eliminating smoke breaks, so yay!<br />
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In any case, taking a break from furiously willing words to appear on your screen (or paper, some people actually still use paper) might recharge your batteries enough to give your ideas a fresh start.<br />
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<b>In Conclusion...</b><br />
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I hope these ideas help. Or at least, if they don't, that you were entertained by them. I know I was. In case you didn't know, I love shit synonyms.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-24017768199092658332013-05-24T14:37:00.001-04:002013-05-24T14:37:36.428-04:00I Just Remembered I Have A Date Square In My PurseSeriously, you guys, I am so excited.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Noms.</td></tr>
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Shut up, I've been up since 4:30 in the morning. ^_^' Which is probably why I decided to share some thoughts on something likely controversial. Actually, there's no 'likely' about it, it's going to be damned controversial.<br />
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I've been reading the Bible. Go ahead and take a moment to process that, I'm going to go have a smoke.<br />
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Okay, I'm back.<br />
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So, I went to Catholic schools my whole life. My family isn't overly religious, though my grandparents were, thus I'm baptized and communed and confirmed and all of that jazz. I spent up to grade seven taking religious teachings as fact, just another subject in school like history class. When I hit grade seven, I started asking questions, many of which my teachers had no answers to. And I started getting very literal with a lot of the stories in the big ol' book, realizing that there were a lot of loopholes and things that didn't make sense. I was told by my teachers that I just needed to have faith.<br />
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Those of you who know me very well know that I have issues with that, to say the least. My parents taught me from birth to have an open mind and explore all possible angles of things, and so they were pretty stoked that I was asking so many questions and trying to figure this whole religion thing out. When I discovered that there were a bunch of them all over the world, it blew my fucking mind. 12 year old me was totally baffled by the fact that the Bible wasn't a textbook.<br />
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Now, at 26, I absolutely love critiquing things and tearing them to shreds. I wanted to start doing it here, where there could be discussion and debates and all of those fun things. One drunken night on the porch there was conversation about the Bible, and how I hadn't read it since grade school. My boyfriend joked about how the whole thing was people 'begetting' people and we had a good laugh about how I should do posts about the different books in the Bible.</div>
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Of course, drunken 'har har har I should TOTALLY do that' turned into 'Hmmm.... I could totally do that'. Emerald, the sinister supporter of all of my ridiculous ideas, has agreed to do it with me, switching off as we go through. So for reals guys, I'm gonna be reading the Bible.</div>
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Now, with me not being attributed to any religion, I'm going to try to be as completely subjective as possible to this subject. That being said, I will likely have 'what the fuck?!' moments because there are a lot of things in there, like in any book, that don't make a lot of sense to me. That's where you, my lovely audience, comes in. I want your thoughts, every step of the way. And to any of you that are Catholic, or have a good grasp on Catholicism and the Bible, please feel free to step in and add your two cents at any time. Religion interests the shit out of me, and I love learning new things about anything, especially from people's experiences and opinions. So if you feel like I'm taking something wrong, or have answers to the myriad of questions I'm likely going to ask, please step in and take the stage!</div>
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So, yeah. I can't set a specific timeframe for frequency of posts, due to work, writing my bitchin' sci-fi epic, and beta-ing, but it's going to be a thing every now and again.</div>
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In that case, I'mma finish my date square and make some delicious soup for my poor sick man who is all curled up in bed enjoying World War Z. Because Reflections is awesome, and you should go there.</div>
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Until next time!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-26668319668533029832013-05-17T14:51:00.001-04:002013-05-17T14:51:10.090-04:00The Melding PlagueFirst off: Holy shit I'm over 10,000 views! Thanks so much to everyone that has read, enjoyed, shared and commented on this blog, it means a lot to me. :) I love to blather on and share information, so thank you for supporting my insanity!<br />
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Lots of things going on in the Caitlinverse, though one of the most exciting is that VIVID 2 is finally off to external editing! I'm super stoked. I finally managed to finish the ending, which was evading me for so long. I was having a massive internal battle about a few scenes that just didn't seem right, and then everything just clicked into place and I'm really proud of the outcome. Emerald is all over that shit right now, tweaking and fixing and red penning oh my!<br />
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Of course that means I've been spending lots of time in photoshop trying to graft the perfect cover. Marissa was kind enough to step into the role of Kharma, and channel her beautifully, and now it's just down to me being OCD about how I want the cover to look. This is the direction I've been heading in:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8OZrtDAbpcI/UZZzHYe9quI/AAAAAAAAFq0/O63ZmQ9CJXA/s1600/Kharma1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8OZrtDAbpcI/UZZzHYe9quI/AAAAAAAAFq0/O63ZmQ9CJXA/s640/Kharma1.jpg" width="427" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She's staring into your SOUL, yo!</td></tr>
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It's not exactly what I want yet, but I'm heading in the right direction. I want it to be dark, as a contrast to the all white cover of the first one, but I want more hair! Which means I'm going to have to be patient and take a bajillion hours to cut it out better. ^_^' But I'm getting there.<br />
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Also, because I can never do anything in a linear or organized fashion, I haven't yet started VIVID 3. It's there, in my head, swirling and percolating and getting ready to be on the page. But it's not quite there yet. I've been burying myself in Alistair Reynolds in the last few weeks, and the dense sci-fi deliciousness has resurfaced an idea I had last year that's been screaming at me to be written.<br />
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It started with 50 Shades of Grey. Emerald and I read that drivel of a trilogy (if you're pro-50 Shades, shame on you, please go read <a href="http://jennytrout.blogspot.ca/2012/05/50-shades-and-abusive-relationships.html" target="_blank">this</a> and then come back here and argue with me about it), and then challenged each other to write a realistic modern day romance that empowers women and makes fucking sense. I had a hard time with it, not because I don't know how to think up realistic romance, but because I have a very active imagination and can't help but turn everything into fantasy or sci-fi. Seriously, every idea I had for a present day romance was immediately followed by "and it takes place in a dystopian future where aliens blah blah blah". Or "and then what if the male love interest secretly has supernatural powers that allow him to blah blah blah?". After a few weeks of desperately trying not to have these thoughts, I said 'fuck it' and started formulating a science fiction extravaganza with a romantic subplot, because I realized that that's what I'm interested in and I'd be bored trying to write anything else.<br />
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I put that idea in the back of my head to simmer while constantly chewing over VIVID 2, knowing that I needed to focus on one thing at a time otherwise I'd never get anything done. But now that it's spread it's wings to fly free of my scrutiny, I am free to move on to the next project. Which, while being completely immersed in Revelation Space (Alistair Reynolds is one of the greatest science fiction writers of all time, if you're into the genre, you owe it to yourself to <a href="http://www.alastairreynolds.com/novels.html" target="_blank">check him out</a>), caused my simmering story idea to overflow and make a big mess of my brain-oven. Okay, that analogy got a little out of control. I never claimed I was terribly good at metaphors.<br />
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The bottom line is, I'm now working on a currently untitled sci-fi epic that I'm super excited about. It's taking a lot of research, but it's terribly fun, and I'm toying with the idea of releasing it a serial novel once it's finished. I'm loving reading <a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">The Boss</a> for free online, and as much as it's horrible to have to wait a week between chapters, it's like having a favourite show on tv that you look forward to. The suspense both makes me angry and excited at the same time, and I'd love to give something like that a shot. Self publishing is cool and everything, but I feel like having a free serial novel on the internet would be awesome, something for people to follow and talk about every week. And then once it's finished, if people want a printed copy then I can do that later. In any case, let me know your thoughts, readers!<br />
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And for those of you that have been asking about the VIVID series, the first one is currently on the Amazon Kindle store, available in Canada only. If you don't have a Kindle, you can get the free app on your computer or phone and buy a copy of the eBook <a href="http://www.amazon.ca/Episode-Silent-Pictures-VIVID-ebook/dp/B009CC0O5S" target="_blank">here</a> for $2.99. If you'd like to wait for the VIVID 2 release, I'm going to be making the first one free, so that anyone new to the VIVID-verse can have a taste of it for no cost. Silent Pictures almost feels like a prologue to me anyway, it's fairly short.<br />
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On a completely unrelated note, my hair is like mermaid blue-green-teal-turqoise awesomeness right now and I can't even contain my excitement. I generally suck at taking good selfies, but this has gotta be done!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For 49 cents more, try the supersize, bitches.</td></tr>
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That is all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-25258492081769721032013-04-19T01:07:00.000-04:002013-04-19T01:07:00.262-04:00Real Men Don't Rape<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It has recently been brought to my attention that this exists:</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Seriously. Yes.</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is a protest against rape culture and victim-blaming. And I am behind it 100%. It started in Toronto in 2011, where a cop publicly said that women should avoid 'dressing like sluts' so that they wouldn't get raped. Naturally, this caused an uproar, and thus, SlutWalk was born. Heather Jarvis of Toronto started the movement in order to reclaim the word 'slut' and show the world that women (and men) should be able to dress however they want without fear of being raped.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="265" id="irc_mi" src="http://static1.demotix.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/a_scale_large/1400-0/photos/1348358047-slutwalk-london-2012_1470830.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0px;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">www.demotix.com</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've never really been one to get involved in stuff like this. I read a lot about protests and causes, and while the causes may be good I find a lot of protests and events like this come across the wrong way. This one, however, is extremely eloquent, and to the point. Also the name SlutWalk has caused such a stir and has gotten so many people talking about it, it's the perfect setup. Since 2011, SlutWalks have been held all over the world, from 40 cities in Brazil, to India, even Jerusalem.</span><div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="266" id="irc_mi" src="http://static4.demotix.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/a_scale_large/1100-9/photos/1193349.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0px;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">www.demotix.com<br />Her banner says "My dress code is none of your business"</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since I've joined the SlutWalk Guelph group on facebook, I've learned about so many cases involving rape where the victims get blamed and the rapists don't get a single day of jail time. The most famous at the moment is the Steubenville case, or closer to home, the Reteah Parsons case, in which a girl was gang raped and then harassed so much by the entire town that she killed herself. What the fuck kind of culture are we that we not only ignore the fact that a young girl was assaulted, but harass her so much that she couldn't even bear to live anymore? Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a human being.</span><div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">publicshaming.tumblr.com<br />Really, really ashamed to be the same species as this guy.</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I followed both of these cases in the news, but didn't realize how many more there are just like it. I've done some digging in the past few days, and come up with tons of horrible events. Men and women, of any age, race, religious stature, being assaulted and then shamed for it. What's worse, there's always the ever present "she was asking for it" because of what she was wearing/drinking/looking at/doing/standing/bending. What the fuck ever. Our society is so bent on teaching women how to avoid being raped. Don't leave your drink unattended, don't wear revealing clothes, don't walk home alone in the dark. These things have become so engrained in our heads that we do it without even thinking, you know, safety first. But it's sad that we have to do those things. It's sad that women are taught how to try to protect themselves, and men aren't taught not to rape us.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.workerspower.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/slut-walk.jpg" class="decoded" src="http://www.workerspower.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/slut-walk.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">www.workerspower.co.uk</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, I am in no way suggesting that all men are rapists. There are men behind this cause that have either been assaulted, or are just as offended by rape culture as women. They're pissed off because society is claiming that men 'just can't help themselves' if a woman dresses or acts a certain way. Seriously? You have absolutely no control over your dick? I know many men in my life that can keep themselves from raping nearby women they're attracted to. It's called self control, common sense, and not being a fucking sociopath. Another theory is that men still view women solely as pleasure objects. If you want an object to stick your dock in, get a fucking fleshlight.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.torontolife.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/may12SlutWalk3.jpg" class="decoded" src="http://www.torontolife.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/may12SlutWalk3.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">www.torontolife.com</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The main point here is that we, as women, should be able to wear and act however we want, and not get raped for it. Lawyers love to bring up victims' sexual history in rape cases, and it always counts against them. "Well, she was a slut, she wanted it." In my experience, sluts are women that enjoy lots of sex with many partners. This sex, however, is consensual. Just like guys go to the bar to pick up a girl, I don't see why girls aren't allowed to go out and pick up a guy. A guy that they say 'yes' to. Women should be able to enjoy sex too. And just because we enjoy sex doesn't mean we want to get raped. It's acceptable for men to like sex, so does that mean they should like being violated sexually? Doesn't make any sense, does it?</span><div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">feminaeaustralis.files.wordpress.com</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A huge phrase to fight rape culture for the past many years is 'no means no'. I disagree with this, because in so many cases, the woman is unconscious or too drugged to say no, and then the rapist's response is 'well, she didn't say no'. This should be changed to 'yes means yes'. If you proposition a woman, or touch her, or hit on her, and you don't hear a yes, don't have sex with her. Very simple. This is what these cases need, instead of wondering whether or not the victim is a slut, what she was doing, and whether or not she said no, the only question should be "Did she say yes?".</span><div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">cdn.madamenoire.com</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Needless to say, I'm going to the Guelph SlutWalk on Sunday. It's at 1pm downtown Guelph, and I urge anyone that can make it to go. This is an excellent cause, and it's raising awareness in an extremely effective way. Whether woman or man, slut or not, assault victim or a supporter of human rights, everyone is welcome. If you don't have a ride, talk to me, and I can help you figure something out. And if you're not near Guelph, check out this website to find out where there are SlutWalks in your area. Pass it around, promote it, and help raise awareness.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">www.facebook.com/StopAbuseCampaign</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The more people like us, with common sense, that understand that people are people and not toys, need to speak up and unite. If only one person takes a step back and rethinks their casual attitude towards rape, then this protest is worth it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://slutwalkguelph.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">SlutWalk 2013</a></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-16751127731530986892013-04-14T20:53:00.001-04:002013-04-14T20:53:53.123-04:00The Boss Review - Up To Chapter 10First off, <a href="http://jennytrout.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Jenny Trout</a> is my hero. She's been recapping 50 Shades of Grey, doing a Big Damn Buffy Rewatch (which she rips apart even though it's her favourite show), being hilarious, writing novels, making nerdy videos (personal favourite: Drunk of Thrones), and uploading <a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">The Boss</a>, a serial novel that I am absolutely addicted to.<br />
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The Boss is now officially completed, and she's updated the frequency of the chapters to one a week, on Fridays. This is wonderful news, even though it's still difficult to wait with bated breath and clenched thighs for each instalment.</div>
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Yes, ladies (and gents, if you happen to be curious), Sophie Scaife is now totally having sex with Neil, and it's super hot. Like melting your girly bits hot. It's so well written, realistic, and gets you intimately caught in the moment. I wouldn't recommend reading The Boss if you can't have sex (with yourself or someone else) immediately afterwards. Or during. Because you're totally going to want to.</div>
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Before I get into the meat (tee hee) of the review, let me just say with absolute certainty: This book is what Fifty Shades should have been. This is exactly what I wanted when I picked up Fifty Shades, and I was sorely disappointed. The Boss almost makes me believe that there is a god, a god that is saying 'Oh damn, my bad, sorry about E.L. James!' and then brings Abigail Barnette into existence to shine the light of proper beautiful moisture-inducing erotica.</div>
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Ahem.</div>
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I reviewed chapter 1 <a href="http://cszinegh.blogspot.ca/2013/01/the-boss-premieres-tomorrow.html" target="_blank">here</a>, and chapter 2 <a href="http://cszinegh.blogspot.ca/2013/01/the-boss-chapter-two.html" target="_blank">here</a>, in case you missed those. Now, I'm probably going to say a lot of stuff that might spoil some of the plot. So if you'd like to just take my word for it that this is the sexiest thing ever and you'd rather read this review once you're caught up, click <a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">here</a> to read it. Right fucking now. :)</div>
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Back? Okay, here goes.</div>
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In chapter three, we see Sophie having a backbone, which is nice. She's all ready to face the day, even though she's pretty sure that she's not going to have a job, but she wants to be gracious and ready for it. Also, Holli refers to weed as 'Mr. Cheeba' and it made me laugh so fucking hard. Neil and Sophie have lunch to discuss the fact that they have had a past, and what to do about her job. I find Neil extremely likeable here, as he addresses and genuinely apologizes for his wrongs, and is very up front and to the point about his feelings and what he wants to offer Sophie at the company. He asks for her opinion and and considers her feelings, and even though at first she's not exactly fair to him (though she realizes it and adjusts her attitude, good girl!) it's a great scene between the two.</div>
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They also talk about their 'relationship', in which Sophie reacts to in such a believable way that my heart twists reading the scene. She feels like she has feelings for him, even though she barely knows him, and admits to herself that she has feelings for the 'idea' of him, because she's built him up so much in her mind all this time. I love that she can have irrational feelings but keep them in check at the same time. It's something that real women do all the time. (I'm not sure if dudes do this too, but they likely do.) In the heat of the moment, Sophie propositions Neil for a casual relationship, which she instantly innately panics about, and I love the narration here. There's a very entertaining reveal and the chapter ends on a bit of a cliffhanger.</div>
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In chapter four, when Sophie gets home from work, she's all jazzed to tell Holli about her day with Neil, but Holli is having an emotional crisis. Sophie, being the awesome friend she is, completely pushes away her own shit to help her friend. Which, to make her feel better, they get stoned and watch Norbit. Awesome friend. :) Of course, Holli berates herself for forgetting to ask Sophie about her day, and gives her some great feedback and advice on her thoughts.</div>
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Later, Neil calls to ask Sophie if he can come by to talk, and she does a hilarious panicky tidy-herself-and-the-apartment in the twenty minutes before he arrives. Yes, chicks totally do that. She describes his voice as "like whiskey, deep and comforting, warming my limbs and dizzying my head".<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Delicious. At the end of this chapter, the tension hits a peak and you want to smash your computer monitor. But don't, because you don't have to wait fifteen days for chapter 5 like I did. ^_^'</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In chapter five, Sophie and Neil decide to have a no-strings sex relationship, but he's drunk and she doesn't think (even though she's completely ready to jump him) that she should have sex with him until they can talk sober. This shows some more backbone on her part. They're both open and honest with each other, and she takes the initiative to tell him that their relationship isn't going to start that night.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">To which Neil says "what's another twenty-four hours?" in his sexy Giles voice and I'm jumping for joy because they're finally going to have sex.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Chapter six is one of the hottest sex scenes I've ever read in my entire life. And I've read a lot of erotica. If you're just here for sexy times, read chapter six. It's beautifully written, you can picture every detail in glorious HD, and Sophie's inner monologue is priceless. Also the playful way they interact afterwards is so refreshing, the chemistry is so there, and I found myself giddy with glee at the budding romance.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Chapter seven is one of my favourites so far, in which we find out that Neil has a kinky dominant side. He lays it all out for her very simply, and makes sure that she's comfortable with it. Then they play a little 'game', and the heat is on once again. The next day, Holli wakes Sophie up for the gym and they hash out all the details of Sophie's night, which is a fun scene. :) Also Sophie's all deliciously sore from the hot sex the night before. When she gets to work, her and Neil interview a woman (Deja) that will potentially replace Sophie, and she has nothing but nice things to think about her. Sophie even comments to herself about how if life were a competition, she should hate Deja. But she's so perfect and awesome that Sophie flat out tells Neil that Deja should get the job. Yay, secure and confident women!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Oh, and Neil makes Sophie take off her panties for the rest of the day.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In chapter eight, Neil feeds Sophie her lunch while she sits spread legged up on his desk. Then he gives her kinky books for the weekend and a bag of vibrators. "...there is naughty stuff to put on your junk to make it tingle." </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Seriously, Jenny, the love I have for you.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sophie is a little down on herself because she thinks that Neil just gave her the other job because they are sleeping together, but Holli comforts her, and tells her that even if she feels that way, she knows that she can do the job really well, so to just do it and prove to herself that she earned it. I love this. Sophie is human, and everyone gets down on themselves from time to time, and it's perfectly believable that she would feel that way in this situation. And Holli's advice is perfect, rational, and rounded out with a hug that makes her friend feel better. Yay, proper female relationships!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sophie does a lot of self-sexing at home for the weekend, and a few naughty things that are sure to stir up some fun with Neil next week. ;) Also they talk about being safe, so a yay for responsible sexing!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In chapter 9, Sophie starts training Deja to take her job, and she's so great about it that I wanted to give her a standing ovation.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Neil and Sophie have some sexy times in his office, and then she has a complete emotional meltdown. I was super surprised at first, but it's explained very well and makes perfect sense. It's believable that any woman in that situation would probably freak out. Neil is so understanding and feels terrible about it, they talk about it and he gives her the rest of the day off, wanting to talk later after work. He doesn't pressure her into anything.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Deja shows some great colours in the next scene, where Sophie tells her she's not feeling well and she's going home. Deja's curious about Neil and Sophie's private life, and admits her suspicions. When Sophie shoots them down, Deja recovers so adorably, admitting she was 'off-sides' and asking to start over.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That night, there are more apologies, and lots of information about what Neil can offer Sophie sexually. Also, they eat Chinese food, and Sophie pats her 'slightly rounder' stomach after eating and says "I hope you like a woman with a potbelly.". This makes me so happy, and I know my dear readers are probably so sick of seeing me write the word 'believable', but I can't help it. Sophie is such a relatable character, and this scene is one-of-a-kind to me. It's so natural, them sharing some food and her being full and joking about her 'potbelly'. He replies "I like you. Any way I might have you." and it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. There are no weight insecurities or body type snarkiness in this book, and it makes me happy as a beagle with a poop-cicle.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Chapter ten brings more hot sex. Like spanking and 'yes sir' kind of sex. And Neil's reveal! Tee hee, that rhymes.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">All in all, up to this point, I'm severely loving this book. And you should too. Click<a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"> here</a> to read Abigail Barnette's sexy masterpiece!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also, if you're into sexy short stories, she's also released <a href="http://jennytrout.blogspot.ca/2013/03/sex-lies-and-inventions.html" target="_blank">Sex, Lies, and Inventions</a>. If you like steampunk, hot sex, and suspense, definitely check this out!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Till next time! ;)</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-7836697470268564732013-04-08T09:50:00.000-04:002013-04-08T09:50:10.120-04:00#TeamRedPandaI just read an article on buzzfeed about how adorable red pandas are. They are the cutest fucking animal ever. :) I'm blogging from my phone right now and I have no idea how to link to the article, so look it up yourself. ^_^' Anyway there's some kind of competition between the elephant and the red panda over who is going to be the next 'Big Animal'. As much as I love elephants, and who doesn't, between these two I'm totally voting for he red panda. Cutest animal ever! Seriously look them up on YouTube. You'll die in a pit of squees.<br />
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So I've gotten some funny and cute texts and Facebook messages pertaining to last night's blog post, because I'm a space case. :) I feel it's necessary to clarify that my pseudo-philosophical ramblings about life throwing crazy shit around is because I'm bouncing around like a schoolgirl. I said that these life altering events seem to happen to me a lot, but not like this one. :) I'm not one to broadcast my personal life all over everyone's news feed, so I'll make this mysterious but clear. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. Like, totally evar. Hence the tralalalala-ing. :) Because sometimes life has a big ol' ice pick to chip away the fortress around your heart.<br />
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Life is so fucking good. :)<br />
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The would make a great shirt. Complete with the smiley.<br />
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\gay rant about my gayness<br />
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P.S. I tweeted 'brown belt' on Friday night, because I was drunk and everyone was high giving each other and I got caught up in the moment. Wait, that doesn't sound right either. Bottom line (haha, bottom) I shouldn't be tweeting from the bar. But (haha) I do it anyway. That is all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-81761154141715505932013-04-07T20:10:00.002-04:002013-04-07T20:10:59.260-04:00Peter Piper and the Pickled PeckersLife is definitely not a boring thing. We're made up of our experiences, knowledge we gather, emotions we feel, and how we treat people. Sometimes life lessons will smack you in the face so hard you take a tumble, and when you get back up, the world looks a little differently. Whether it looks better or worse, this happens to me all the time. Sometimes it just takes one moment, a minuscule little happening, to make your blood run cold and your heart stop. It's amazing how the human body physically reacts to even the tiniest of instances.<br />
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Sometimes it feels like the day drags on, like you're trudging through mud to get anywhere and time is running backwards. Sometimes you're light as a feather and the day flies by in an instant. And sometimes all it takes is one word, sentence, or facial expression to completely turn it around. Some life events take time, and the buildup is a flurry of emotion and preparation. And some events just happen at the drop of a hat and you're forced to deal with it before the shock even wears off.<br />
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These things happen to me all the time. I've joked in the past about how I've had fifty midlife crises already and I haven't even reached midlife (hopefully). Some I orchestrated, some were beyond my control, but life is always a rollercoaster and you never know where the tracks are going to take you.<br />
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For the record, yes, I'm babbling. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of bliss for me, and I'm learning things about myself that I never knew existed. It's enlightening, and inspiring, and beautiful. My thoughts have been all a-jumble and I've been furiously making notes like a busy little bee for all kind of writing avenues that I'd like to explore. But I haven't been able to put pen to paper (or hand to keyboard) and create paragraphs that make sense.<br />
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As you can see from the above ramblings, my head is all over the place. I'm exploring so many little nooks and crannies inside of myself that I can't even stay on track. :) You should see my notebooks and the emails I've been sending myself from my phone. When I can actually put all of my thoughts in order, the internet is going to see some serious shit.<br />
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I just dug a bunch of hair out of my shower drain (I use a glove to do this, because ew, guys) and realized that I needed to write a blog post. Like, right then. Don't worry, I took the glove off first. And I decided not to reference any notes, and just write what came to mind. I have things that will be coming soon, like a new Boss review (we're up to chapter 10 now, and it's so steamy... you don't even know), a series of posts that I'd like to start that will span 26 posts, more hilariously ridiculous erotic fanfiction, and a side blog for a series of short stories. The short stories won't start until VIVID 2 is done, which is like totally late.<br />
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I know I said March 1st, but I've found that when I set deadlines for myself, I panic and then I can't write because I put too much pressure on myself. And then I force myself to write, and it comes out like shit. Absolute shit. I should have known better than to do that. The other reason (excuse? Shaddap!) is because I changed my character for the cover, and now I'm going to have to pick a new model. I just realized I'm an idiot and the perfect one is totally visiting right now... hang on I have to text her.<br />
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Ok, I'm back. I've decided to put one of the secondary characters on the cover, and save Moxie (the main character) for the fifth and final book of the series, because it just feels more right that way. I put the mainest (that's a word now, fuck you spellcheck) secondary character on the first one, so I'm going to do that for all of them up to the last, which will feature Moxie for the end of her story. So the beautiful Ashley won't be debuting her rockin' modeling career until then. Unless she comes to one of my shoots. Hint, hint!<br />
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Squee! Marissa texted me back and she's agreed to do the shoot. My personal favourite character in Vivid 2, Kharma, will have a face. :)<br />
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It is taking me forever to write this. ^_^' I'm all over the place, but I feel like I got a little more structured in the last couple of paragraphs. I should probably quit while I'm ahead. Next post will be a Boss review, so with that theme in mind, I will hopefully stay on track.<br />
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Tra la la la la! Happy Spring everyone!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-28520378276168789072013-02-22T12:54:00.000-05:002013-02-22T12:54:19.844-05:00The Pursuit of Happiness<br />
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So I frequent this site, <a href="http://www.toplessrobot.com/" target="_blank">Topless Robot</a>, because it's an awesome hub of nerdiness. My favourite part, however, was this section called Fan Fiction Friday, in which the amazing Rob Bricken would tear apart hilariously insane erotic fan fiction. Every Friday was a new adventure into the depraved minds of humanity and their weird fetishes and horrible grammar. Wonderful, wonderful joy.</div>
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Anyway, FFF is no longer around because Rob has moved over to <a href="http://www.io9.com/" target="_blank">io9</a>, a news hub where he writes witty and entertaining articles. They tried to move FFF over there, but it was recieved terribly and unfortunately, cancelled. :( The old FFF archives are still available at Topless Robot, and I happened to be scrolling through while I was on the exercise bike at the gym. Because working out is boring as hell and I needed something to read.</div>
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I came across one of my very favourites, Garfield: Royal Rescue, in which Garfield saves Kate Middleton from the evil Prince William. Honestly. I ended up finding my way over to the author's page on fanfiction.net, <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2097849/ShakespeareHemmingway" target="_blank">ShakespeareHemmingway</a>, and noticed he had twenty stories about Garfield's adventures. They made me die with laughter. So I've decided to share one of my favourites with you.</div>
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So, without further ado, a little tribute to TR, FFF, and Mr. Rob Bricken:</div>
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Garfield: First Blood Part II: The Legend of the Warrior of the Forever Fist</blockquote>
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In Part One, Garfield saves Natalie Portman from a gang of vampires.</div>
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It was a bright morning full of rain and sun when Natalie Portman was doing her acting.<br />"These are my words and my motions are full of emotion." Said Natalie Portman with acting.<br />"Excellence! This is Oscar winning performance!" Said the director with compliments.<br />"Thank you I am four star actress." Said Natalie Portman with thanks.</blockquote>
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IMHO, Natalie Portman is like a twenty star actress.</div>
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Then all of a sudden out of mist Ashton Kutcher appeared with sinister plans.<br />"Haha Natalie Portman you will star in me with movies and be forever mine! Then I will have immortality!" Cackled Ashton Kutcher with evil.</blockquote>
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Does that work?</div>
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"No Ashton Kutcher I will not give in to your evil." Cried out Natalie Portman in defiance.<br />"Haha You have no say in this! You are my prisoner! Behold force field!" Said Ashton Kutcher as he summoned a force field prison to capture Natalie Portman.<br />"Now to my studio lair where we will star in movies together!" Declared Ashton Kutcher with evil as he left with imprisoned Natalie Portman.</blockquote>
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Did anyone else think of Aqua Teen when he said 'behold'? Just me? Ok.</div>
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Meanwhile Garfield was riding alone on all American highway on his Custom Harley Davidson motorcycle rockin out to DIO turned up to maximum volume.<br />"Time to train the muscles." Said Garfield as he pulled into a gym for training.<br />Garfield went to the punching bag for punching practice. It was punching bag made of diamond and steel so it can take his super punches which are like force of nature.</blockquote>
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YES.</div>
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"I am fist. Mighty with speed." Garfield said as he punched the punching bag.<br />As Garfield practiced his punches news reports came on the TV.<br />"This just in. Ashton Kutcher has tweeted he has kidnapped Natalie Portman for evil movies. If only a hero was man enough to save her." Said the news man with reporting.</blockquote>
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He tweeted that? Fuck yes he did. Said I with fuck-yesing.</div>
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"INDIGNITIES." Roared Garfield as he punched the punching bag in half with ease at the anger of the reporting.<br />Garfield waltzed out of gym in quest to rescue Natalie Portman with his manly power. Outside of gym Garfield was confronted with thugs.<br />"Haha Garfield we were sent by Ashton Kutcher to be putting stop to you. Now is the time for endings!" Said the thugs with arrogant laughs.<br />"The only thing being stopped is your life! Eat fist!" Roared Garfield with anger.</blockquote>
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I'm totally picturing Duke Nukem as Garfield. For the record.</div>
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The thugs then attacked Garfield with foolishness. One thug swung a chain at him the other hit him with a baseball bat, but it was no use. They bounced off Garfields muscles like rubber ball on a donkey.<br />"WHAT?" Cried out the thugs in shocking disbelief.</blockquote>
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That's what I was thinking.</div>
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"My turn miscreants." Said Garfield has he lifted one thug above his head.<br />"Time to make a wish." Said Garfield as he snapped the thug in two.<br />After the thug snapping, Garfield turned to other thug with vengeance.<br />"Garfield please spare my life I am poor starving man." Said the thug with begging.<br />"Starve on my fist." Said Garfield as he punched the thugs stomach out.</blockquote>
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Ahhahahaha YES!</div>
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Garfield then hopped on his Custom Harley Davidson motorcycle and revved the engines to rescue the Natalie Portman.<br />"Ashton Kutcher I hope your heart is in good health because I am going to rip it out of your chest." Garfield said as he put his shades on and rode off for rescue.<br />As Garfield rode, a Tractor Trailer truck filled with lasagna drove beside him.</blockquote>
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Of course it did.</div>
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"Lasagna feed my body and soul. Give me strength to rescue ladies in danger." Garfield said as he looked to the truck.<br />Lasagna burst out of truck to feed Garfield and entered his mouth for eating, filling Garfields muscular body with power and energy.<br />"Thank you Lasagna you are now part of me." Garfield said with gratitude to lasagna.</blockquote>
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Is this like some kind of metaphor for Catholicism? Nah, probably not.</div>
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In the distance Garfield spotted trouble. It was a tank filled with vile minions of Ashton Kutcher.<br />"Behold Garfield our beast of iron and metal. You ride ends here Garfield for we are righteous." Said the tank commander with taunts.<br />At villains petty taunts Garfield laughed with scoffing. He turned on his DIO beyond maximum volume and glared at foolish tank with fiery eyes.<br />"Rust in peace, iron beast." Garfield said to the tank as he rode right through the tank at laser speed splitting it in half.</blockquote>
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Gentlemen, behold! Happiness!</div>
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Meanwhile in Ashton Kutchers demon lair evil was brewing in hearts of men. Ashton Kutcher was sitting on his throne dressed like wicked sultan while Natalie Portman was chained to the wall.<br />"Haha Natalie Portman you are mine on this midnight hour. All of your hope should be abandoned for I am your new master!" Cackled Ashton Kutcher with evil.<br />"No Garfield will save me for he is true hero of man." Natalie Portman said with hope.<br />"Hoho not even Garfields manliness can save you now. We will star in movies and makes eons of money." Declared Ashton Kutcher with maniac laughing.<br />"Garfield please come I need you." Natalie Portman said with longing.</blockquote>
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You know, I can't help but feel like I would be totally cool with Ashton Kutcher chaining me to a wall. Just me? Ok.</div>
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Meanwhile Garfield was riding the lonely road of the hero with hair blowing through wind like wet lasagna in a fan. In the distance Garfield saw Ashton Kutchers palace of pain and evil. It was on Island surrounded by lava and crocodiles. There seemed no way but Garfield never gives up never surrenders.<br />"Time to do the sky bird." Garfield declared as he pulled out his lasagna glider and glided to island of Ashton Kutcher.</blockquote>
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Lasagna glider for the win!</div>
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Garfield crashed into room full of Ashton Kutchers loyal guards who would fight in his name to the deaths, but Garfield was not afraid.<br />"I heard there was party so I stopped by. Do not worry I am polite guest here are some presents." Quipped Garfield a she took out his Desert Eagles and fired at guard scum.</blockquote>
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There aren't enough words to express my joy at this.</div>
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"My goody bag will be your beating heart Ashton Kutcher!" Garfield shouted with adrenaline pumping.<br />Garfield searched Ashton Kutchers palace mowing down guards wherever he saw with no mercy. He then came upon doors to Ashton Kutchers throne room but it was sealed with evil power and locks. But Garfield blew it open with ease like big bad wolf blowing down straw houses.</blockquote>
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Without any huffing and puffing?</div>
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"I am here for the Natalie Portman and for your head on stick." Garfield roared upon entering Ashton Kutchers throne room.<br />Inside room Garfield saw Natalie Portman chained in imprisonment and Ashton Kutcher sitting on throne.<br />"Haha Garfield I have been waiting for you. Not even you can be stopping me now." Ashton Kutcher cackled with evil.<br />"Silence you sultan of sin. Your time is ending near!" Garfield responded with angry vocals.<br />"Garfield I had enough of your words. Time for fiery doom! Meet the dragon!" Ashton Kutcher said as he whistled for his dragon. At Ashton Kutchers whistling a four headed dragon appeared with fire breathing and roars.<br />"Enjoy your just deserts!" Ashton Kutcher cackled as he fled like little girl.</blockquote>
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Lmfaooooooooooooooo.....</div>
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"Haha Garfield! I am hoping you brought your bib because I am going to be smoking you like a ham!" Growled the evil four headed dragon.<br />"I have no time for dragon distraction." Fumed Garfield with frustration.</blockquote>
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Dragon Distraction would be a killer band name.</div>
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All hope seemed to be in fire but then familiar voice was heard by all.<br />"AMAKOOOOO."<br />It was Jon Arbuckle flying in on jet pack rearing for fighting!<br />"Do not worry I will take care of this lizard you must go after Ashton Kutcher." Said Jon Arbuckle with support.<br />"Thank you Jon Arbuckle you are my jet pack backup." Garfield said with gratitude.</blockquote>
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Jet Pack Backup... nah, that's not that good.</div>
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Garfield went after Ashton Kutcher as Jon Arbuckle battled dragon with mystic blade.<br />"Ok dragon boy let's do this." Jon Arbuckle said as he drew his mystic katana.</blockquote>
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Jon should totally have a katana in the comic.</div>
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Meanwhile Garfield was chasing down Ashton Kutcher with justice on mind and in fist. He finally cornered Ashton Kutcher against wall.<br />"You are at the end of your highway and it is time to pay the toll man." Said Garfield with eyes glaring.</blockquote>
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The quick wit in this story is right up there with the Expendables 2. Which, for the record, also gave me joygasms.</div>
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"Haha Garfield it is too late. Natalie Portman soul is mine and my life will be immortal!" Ashton Kutcher declared with vile grin.<br />"Fool your life is short, but my fist is FOREVER." Garfield roared as he charged inner power to max and sent fists flying at Ashton Kutcher at earthquake speed making him supernova.</blockquote>
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Yes. YES.</div>
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"NOOOO." Cried out Ashton Kutcher as he supernovad.<br />"Your career just exploded." Quipped Garfield with cleverness.</blockquote>
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Ahhahahahaha!</div>
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"Thank you Garfield you saved me again." Thanked Natalie Portman with joyful words.<br />"No problem honeybabes. I can not stand seeing ladies kidnapped." Garfield said as he helped Natalie Portman up.<br />"Good work Garfield. You saved day again." Said approaching voice. It was Jon Arbuckle! He was holding dragons heads in his hands.<br />"Yes Jon Arbuckle I think it is time for celebration." Said Garfield in response.<br />"Yes Garfield we should perform our hit new song for Natalie Portmans music enjoyment." Jon Arbuckle suggested with good ideas as he took out his electric guitar for jamming.</blockquote>
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Of course you should.</div>
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"Yes here is our new song "Lover and Fighter Man." From album of same name. Old people with diseases should beware of dangerous rocking." Said Garfield as he took out his mic ready for rocking.</blockquote>
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I am so using that at my next gig.</div>
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Jon Arbuckle began powerful chords of playing while Garfield began to sing with mighty rocking voice:<br />"I am real man hard like steel<br />Always hungry for lasagna meal<br />Busting heads winning every fight<br />Need to see you naked tonight<br />I am a Lover and Fighter man<br />Not a loser and crier man<br />Baby, Bake me egg in a friar pan<br />Because I am a lover and fighter man<br />Every day I am punching and kicking<br />When I come home I want you for licking<br />Stupid thugs their heads I crack<br />But you I want to rub my back<br />I am a Lover and Fighter Man<br />Not a loser and crier man<br />I want to spank you until you tan<br />Because I am a lover and fighter man"<br />Jon Arbuckle then began shredding like madman with guitar solo.</blockquote>
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Can somebody please cover this? Pretty please with a cherry on top?</div>
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"AMAKOOOOOOO." Shouted Jon Arbuckle as flames and lightning burst out of his guitar. After amazing guitar solo Garfield began to sing again:<br />"I am the champ in the ring<br />In the bedroom I am king<br />Bashing villains until they groan<br />Loving ladies until they moan<br />I am a lover and fighter man<br />Not a loser and Crier man<br />I will make you fly like Peter Pan<br />Because I am a lover and fighter man"<br />Natalie Portman screamed and clapped in excitement at the rocking concert. She ran to Garfield with love in her eyes.<br />"Garfield you are rock star stud muffin. But now I want you to play me like an electric guitar and make me wail." Natalie Portman said with desire.</blockquote>
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See, all musicians are sexy. Even if they're cats, they can still fuck Natalie Portman.</div>
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"Sure thing sugarbites. I have a concert in my pants and you have first row tickets." Garfield said with flirty words.</blockquote>
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WIN.</div>
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"Let us go on stage and make music." Said Natalie Portman as she led Garfield to her bedroom.<br />Garfield and Natalie Portman went on her bed and embraced for love makings. They rubbed eachother with oil and perfume and touched eachother all over. Their bodies then joined like peanut butter and jelly and created delicious loving all night long.<br />The End..?<br />Authors Note: Congratulations to Natalie Portman for her pregnancies! Please beware and do not let Ashton Kutcher kidnap your babies. Also I am still single so it is still ok if you would like to date me.</blockquote>
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I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Your welcome, and excuse me. ;)</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-55121615215312524382013-02-08T16:58:00.002-05:002013-02-08T16:58:49.163-05:00Smooth Juice and the Written WordHello, interwebs. It's been awhile since I've posted, I apologize. A lot of awesome and crazy things are happening in my life right now, and I'm lovin' it. :)<br />
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I'm about three quarters of the way done editing VIVID 2, and I'm starting to get extremely excited. My wonderful and lovely editor is dying for a copy, and I'll be super proud to give it to her. I've been working really hard on it, and while it's taking a lot longer than I thought it would, it's a really fun process and I'm feeling good about the polishing that I'm doing. It's amazing how things fall into place when you just let them simmer and reread them.<br />
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I've been doing some side notes, as inspiration strikes, and even though I'm incredibly stoked to be starting VIVID 3 in March, I may take a week long side gander into some short stories. Thanks to Jenny Trout I stumbled upon a racy little web site that is looking for some submissions into their sexy short story category. As some of you close to me know, I've written some erotica (such a nicer word than porn!) in my time, and I'm tempted to give it a try. Just as a side gander though, I promise. The third instalment in Moxie's story is calling very very loudly, so I won't stay away from it terribly long.<br />
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So, a juicing update!<br />
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In short, I feel fucking awesome. But as you know, I can never talk about anything the short way. ;) I've been incredibly diligent about making vegetable juice twice a day, and ingesting it a half hour before eating solid food so that I absorb all of the nutrients. And let me tell you, it's working.<br />
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When I started, it was just a way for me to add some extra nutrients into my daily routine, because I like to eat a lot of crap. I love good-for-you food too, but also so much crap. So I figured I'd be chugging juice in between crap to make sure that I'm not dying of over-chocolating.<br />
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But I just realized, a few days ago, that I have stopped over-chocolating. Scientifically (or so I've researched), eating too much crap never makes you feel full, because you're getting enough calories but not enough nutrients. According to that theory, you're loading up on calories but starving your body of nutrients, therefore you're constantly hungry. So, apparently, if you ingest the proper nutrients, you won't be craving food constantly. Of course I thought this was a load of shit. I love food!<br />
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I was proven wrong. Not that I don't eat chocolate or chips or bad-for-you stuff anymore, but I don't crave it anymore. I'll be satisfied after two peanut butter cups instead of twenty. And I was the kind of person that can't eat just one Oreo. It was the whole box or nothing. But since I've been having two juices a day, I haven't felt the need to gorge an entire bag of chips or a whole box of cookies. It's odd, but probably a good thing.<br />
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I've also been craving a lot of good stuff. In the last little while, we've been experimenting with different healthy foods, like ground flax and quinoa (which kicks the shit out of rice any day!). And the awesome chick that I work with in Elora now, she's a vegan and all into smoothies and stuff. She's introduced me to some intense recipes and teas, all that are super anti-cancer and really healthy for you. I don't even have to think about it any more, my body craves the good stuff now, which is awesome.<br />
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I've noticed a serious increase in energy. I've never been a morning person, and I'm still not exactly thrilled about being awake early. But I don't feel like a bag of shit anymore. I had my first 5:30 am shift yesterday, and I got out of bed on the first snooze because I wanted to have time to make a smoothie before work. I walk the dog while I drink the goodness, and I'm not dragging my ass in the morning. It gives me a spring in my step throughout the day, and I don't crash like I would from coffee.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I still love my coffee. :) I'm drinking one right now. But let me tell you, green ass vegetables beat caffeine for energy.<br />
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I've started making smoothies, too. I felt like I wasn't getting enough of the leafy greens in the juice, because I'd get barely any juice from them, so I thought if I made smoothies with frozen fruit and the leafy greens, I'd get everything all in one glass. I also don't eat/drink a lot of dairy, so I figured that having yogurt and milk would be good for me too. I discovered that you can mix ground seeds with smoothies too, and it'll give you a massive dose of protein. Apparently flax gels when it gets wet and it's really good for your colon. ^_^' The more you know!<br />
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So I've been doing two juices and two smoothies a day, and I feel fucking amazing. My skin is clearer, I have more energy, I'm craving healthy stuff, I'm in great spirits (although that might have something to do with my recent job change, too), and I'm pretty sure my boobs are perkier. I'm not 100% positive, but my girls just seem happier lately. I've read that copious amounts of veggies build muscle and tighten the skin, so it's possible that I've given my titties a little lift. Which is another awesome side effect.<br />
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So all in all, I recommend this. Even if a juicer isn't in your budget, if you have some kind of blender or processor you can make smoothies with just about anything. I like to use the juicer for my veggie stuff, like tomatoes, carrots, celery, and beets. Then I use the blender with frozen fruit, yogurt, milk, greens (spinach or kale) and grains. If you're lactose intolerant or don't like milk you can use orange or apple juice to make smoothies too. My vegan friend makes these super intense kale/ginger/lemon/orange smoothies with a VitaMix blender, which basically liquefies everything into super-goodness. It's some serious sinus-clearing flavour, but it's fucking delicious. And you feel like you can lift a car afterwards.<br />
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Anyways, that's an update into my health-kick adventure, in case anyone was interested. If you have any questions, or if you do anything like this to help your nutrition, let me know in the comments! I'm always looking for new recipes or ideas to continue boosting my health. (I know, I should quit smoking, blah friggedy blah.)<br />
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On a totally different note, I was directed to this <a href="http://50shadesisabuseblogring.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">blogring</a> which is the hub on information and discussion about why 50 Shades of Grey is about abuse. I highly recommend checking it out, even if you've never read the series or don't care about it, it's a really interesting look into social culture and what people really believe in society. It blows my mind the amount of people that romanticize abusive relationships, and how completely blind they are to the fact that they're a slap in the face to people that have been through it.<br />
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I hadn't realized that people have stepped forward and tried to contact E.L. James about these issues, people that have been through controlling and horrible relationships. And she sluffed them off, because she's 50 Shades of Horrible Insensitive Stupid Bitch.<br />
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Anyway, I'm gonna eat some awesome dinner and get back to editing. Thanks for the little break!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-4269038109808014852013-02-08T16:58:00.001-05:002013-07-15T12:37:42.830-04:00Knights and Dragons iPhone Guide<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<b>2013-07-15 UPDATE: </b>I've moved this entire blog over to WordPress, so this post will no longer be updated on Blogger. Click <a href="https://cszinegh.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/knights-and-dragons-iphone-guide/" target="_blank">here</a> for the new blog, where all of the updates will happen! I've imported the entire blog, so all of your comments will remain intact and 'add me' requests will be visible. :) Happy battling!</div>
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So I've poked around the internet a few times for some answers to a few questions with the highly addictive Knights and Dragons for iPhone. It's got all of the good elements of a sim game, with an RPG twist. It's my favourite smoke-break time-waster. But, it being fairly new, I haven't been able to find any kind of guide or anything for it, so I thought maybe I'd start one. I'm at level 101, so I'm not an expert yet, but at least I can give some insights and tips and as comprehensive of an armor guide as I can put together. I'll keep updating as I keep learning.</div>
<br />
<b>Game Basics</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
The main screen shows your kingdom, which at the beginning is pretty empty. At the top there is a level experience bar, a health bar for your knights, your gold (the main game currency) and your gems (the premium currency that can be won or bought with real world money). To the left is the quest log, and on the bottom right is the PVP arena and the menu button.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5e9sOwo0zr0/URVVqQfo6NI/AAAAAAAAFnM/IaNOkZHkQkk/s1600/IMG_0644.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5e9sOwo0zr0/URVVqQfo6NI/AAAAAAAAFnM/IaNOkZHkQkk/s320/IMG_0644.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My girls hanging out in the kingdom.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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In your kingdom, you start with the arena, armorsmith, fusion master, and the chance chest. You get a free chest every day, or you can use gems to open them, or get keys from defeating monsters. They contain anything from gold to fusion stones to armor.<br />
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The rest of the world consists of areas that are made up of five sets of battles, ranging from one to five stars: Normal, Mighty, Valor, Honor, Epic. The difficulty level is from low to high, and they unlock as you complete each stage. They consist of three to seven fights in each stage, and at the end of each one is a boss to defeat.<br />
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The PVP arena is where your knights battle other players knights (up to three knights on each side). If you lose, you get 5 xp and 5 gold, and if you win you get 10 xp and 10 gold. You can 'double down' after a win, and gamble your winnings for the next battle. It will double the win, but if you lose, you lose everything. You can do this up to seven times, capping at 350%, then it forces you to cash out and you can start doubling down again from scratch.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cq6qtrDEHuA/URVVx5UOwjI/AAAAAAAAFoI/DQCMUjbiYbg/s1600/IMG_0652.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cq6qtrDEHuA/URVVx5UOwjI/AAAAAAAAFoI/DQCMUjbiYbg/s320/IMG_0652.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I always <i>almost</i> make it into the top 100. ^_^'</td></tr>
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What I've found works the best for me when it comes to PVP tournaments is to always double down. I've found that I can't get very far playing it safe and only getting 10 points for each battle. Otherwise I'd have to play constantly all day, and that's just not feasible. It's worth the gamble to double down up to 350% every time. Also, battle your friends! Every time you do a friend battle, you win 10 gold and 6 points that count towards the tournament. It can be tedious when you have a lot of friends (which is why I don't do it every day, and likely why I never win tournaments), but it's worth it.<br />
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<b>Social</b><br />
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Everyone likes having friends. And in this game it isn't about asking them for items (although being able to gift fusion stones would be nice!), it's about them helping fight the good fight. You can hire up to two friends to help you in a battle, up to ten friends per day. This is extremely helpful when you want to open up the map or finish a quest but you're not quite strong enough to do it on your own. They're there every day, so use them!<br />
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They can also be super helpful if you're having trouble with the weekly bosses, keep an eye out for any friends wearing the armor you need to defeat them.<br />
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You can also battle your friends, as mentioned above, once per day. In the beginning there are tons of quests to do so, and it can be tedious and annoying, especially because I find that this section of the game lags a bit. But it's easy experience for completing quests, and you get points towards the weekly tournament.<br />
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<b>Buildings and Earning Gold</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
There isn't really a lot to worry about in the kingdom. All of the main things can be accessed from the menu, and everything else that fills your kingdom are buildings that produce gold. They will cap at a certain gold output, and then sit there until you collect. So you don't have to worry about checking back every five minutes, because your gold isn't going anywhere.<br />
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Gold is important to be able to craft armor. You want to upgrade to the best buildings possible early on to maximize your income. Unfortunately space is limited at the beginning, so unlocking areas to make room for more buildings is important too. Unlocking space in your kingdom ranges from a few thousand gold up to two million for the last spot. Unlock as you can, but remember to keep a good gold stash for crafting armor.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zc1MJ0csPcs/URVVr8ni7HI/AAAAAAAAFnY/W_0JrRmffTc/s1600/IMG_0646.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zc1MJ0csPcs/URVVr8ni7HI/AAAAAAAAFnY/W_0JrRmffTc/s320/IMG_0646.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Training centers galore!</td></tr>
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I found the most useful low level building for income is the Guard Tower, it only makes 167 gold an hour but it caps at 2,000, so it makes money for longer. It's 300 gold to buy. Once you have some better cash flow, the Dungeon is awesome as well, it makes 450 gold an hour and caps at 9,000. My very favourite for once you have unlimited cash flow and all of the spaces unlocked is the Training Field. It makes 1,167 gold an hour and caps at 14,000, so you don't have to check on them very often and still be making money. All of these buildings can be upgraded once with gold to increase output and cap, and then after that they can only be upgraded with gems.<br />
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<b>Knights, Elements, and Battles</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
You start out with one knight, your 'commander'. As you progress through the early battle areas, you will collect five more knights, each with their own specific element. Your commander will always have higher stats, and is not limited to any type of armor. Each of the five other knights have lower stats and can only wear armor of the element it is attributed to.<br />
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The five elements are Fire, Spirit, Earth, Air, and Water. Fire is strong against Spirit, Spirit against Earth, Earth against Air, Air against Water, and Water against Fire. This is important to remember when heading into a battle. The beginning screen for each battle will tell you what elements you can expect to come up against, and what elements are strong against it so you can adjust your armor and knights accordingly.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S7IrN2nYF7E/URVVtFakLZI/AAAAAAAAFng/6ZGh_Ec95xw/s1600/IMG_0647.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S7IrN2nYF7E/URVVtFakLZI/AAAAAAAAFng/6ZGh_Ec95xw/s320/IMG_0647.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, I know my names are stupid. :)</td></tr>
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You can only battle with up to three knights, so choose carefully before a battle. Try to avoid using elements weak to what you're fighting. On the bottom right hand side of the battle screen is a special attack bar. When it fills up, it turns yellow, and you can unleash a powerful attack onto your enemy. If you do this when their health bar is low, then they will drop an armor crafting material when they die. The lower level enemies will drop element shards, and the bosses will drop different materials for the more powerful armor.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UOMs2cpREXg/URVVuqKP6SI/AAAAAAAAFnw/-K3KUIlIeJE/s1600/IMG_0650.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UOMs2cpREXg/URVVuqKP6SI/AAAAAAAAFnw/-K3KUIlIeJE/s320/IMG_0650.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The yellow special attack bar is ready to go!</td></tr>
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I've found that the best strategy is to collect as many low level materials as I can, but if I'm getting close to a boss, to save that special attack for them. Crafting stronger armor means upgrading current armor faster.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-toowhn0fzS4/URVVwIh-kPI/AAAAAAAAFn4/QBGhzygS-Sw/s1600/IMG_0651.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-toowhn0fzS4/URVVwIh-kPI/AAAAAAAAFn4/QBGhzygS-Sw/s320/IMG_0651.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Whoopin his butt with a special attack to get some Stone Slabs.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Armor Crafting and Leveling</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Armor has levels just like the knights do, except they have a cap. You can use old or unused armor to upgrade the ones that you want to be stronger, and higher level armor will give more experience points to the one that you're upgrading. When armor reaches a certain level, a 'plus' armor will be unlocked that you can craft that will be stronger than the one that you're leveling. For example, the Snakeskin Amor has 50 levels, and when you get it to level 15, it unlocks Snakeskin Armor+, which you can now craft and will ultimately be stronger than the original Snakeskin Armor.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ozL8I2vBV3Q/URVV2bL5zHI/AAAAAAAAFow/Uia-a4obu8M/s1600/IMG_0657.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ozL8I2vBV3Q/URVV2bL5zHI/AAAAAAAAFow/Uia-a4obu8M/s320/IMG_0657.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I've never leveled the basic armors, so at this point I don't know if they can be 'plus' or not.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The five lowest level armors are Basic Earth, Basic Water, Basic Fire, Basic Air, and Basic Spirit. These can be crafted with 3 shards of the same element, and only take 5 minutes to complete. These armors have 30 levels, but I don't suggest leveling them. The armors crafted from the boss materials are stronger and a better value for upgrading.<br />
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The boss armor is as follows (element and level cap on the right, materials needed underneath):<br />
Stonescale Plate Mail - Earth - 30<br />
<i>4 Stone Slabs</i><br />
Seafoam Armor - Water - 30<br />
<i>4 Chunks of Coral</i><br />
Snakeskin Armor - Water/Earth - 50<br />
<i>8 Snakeskin Leather Strips</i><br />
Dragonflame Armor - Fire - 30<br />
<i>4 Crimson Dragon Scales</i><br />
Wing Warrior's Armor - Air - 30<br />
<i>4 Valhallan Steel Ingots</i><br />
Mystic Armor - Spirit - 30<br />
<i>4 Mystic Cloth Scraps</i><br />
Atlantean Avenger Armor - Water/Air - 50<br />
<i>8 Typhoon Gems</i><br />
Crius Armor - Earth/Air - 50<br />
<i>12 Shiny Shards</i><br />
Chimera Corps Uniform - Spirit/Earth - 50<br />
<i>12 Chimera Talons</i><br />
Living Flame Armor - Fire/Spirit - 50<br />
<i>12 Phoenix Feathers</i><br />
Hydra Hunter's Mail - Water/Fire - 50<br />
<i>8 Hydra Scales</i><br />
Spectral Captain's Uniform - Spirit/Water - 70<br />
<i>18 Ghostly Beard Hairs</i><br />
Swamp Shaman's Robes - Earth/Water - 70<br />
<i>18 Wriggling Roots</i><br />
Rocfeather Robes - Spirit/Air - 70<br />
<i>18 Roc Feathers</i><br />
Armor of the Infernal Lord - Earth/Fire - 70<br />
<i>18 Infernal Iron Chunks</i><br />
The Dark Prince's Royal Armor - Fire/Spirit - 70<br />
<i>22 Evil Jewels</i><br />
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What I found to be most effective in the beginning was to pick one armor and upgrade it right up. I used the Dragonflame Armor, because I wanted to not be weak to the air enemies in the Cold Iron Crags, and I wanted an advantage over the spirit enemies in the Faerie Forest. Once past the Faerie Forest, you start getting into the higher level armor, and those give you the most bang for your buck. Eventually the best goal is to have one set of three very versatile elemented armors that you can switch between two groups of three knights to maximize how effective your battling is in one session. Once the knights are out of health, you have to wait for them to regenerate, so it's nice to get a few battles in before they're too dead to participate.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-npwR5oLcNUk/URVVtln1RLI/AAAAAAAAFno/N4D2CA6YScI/s1600/IMG_0649.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-npwR5oLcNUk/URVVtln1RLI/AAAAAAAAFno/N4D2CA6YScI/s320/IMG_0649.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can use up to four armor sets at a time to upgrade.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I've also started making sure that I get double the materials needed to craft a new armor, so that I can level the first one up high enough to unlock the 'plus' armor, then craft that. There's no point in spending the materials leveling an armor past that point unless it's as powerful as it can be. I've gotten to the point now where all of my boss armors are 'plus' armors, and I'm working on leveling them all up to max.<br />
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I've found that the higher the level cap on an armor, the harder it is to level up. Basic element armors won't do much on the 70 level armors, but the 50 level ones will go faster. Work on those first, and you'll have a decent set of three to get you through to endgame. The level 70 armors need dual element armors for enhancement to really put a dent in leveling them up.<br />
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<b>Extra Bosses and the Summoning Stone</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
You'll notice right by the first battle area that there is a crater of dirt and a spot called the Summoning Stone. Once you defeat a boss for the first time, they will be available at the Summoning Stone. You can summon them for gems, and be guaranteed to get materials that you need.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qoqHBBE3caI/URVV4p1ZI-I/AAAAAAAAFpA/e6NKx8zLL-o/s1600/IMG_0659.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qoqHBBE3caI/URVV4p1ZI-I/AAAAAAAAFpA/e6NKx8zLL-o/s320/IMG_0659.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The regular game bosses start at 4 gems, but the weekly bosses are all 30.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Once a week (or so) an extra boss will breeze through and harass you while you're fighting your regular battles. There will be a questline to defeat it so many times, and at the end of the questline, you'll have enough materials to craft a special armor. This takes a ton of materials, and I've found that these special armors aren't as powerful as the boss ones.<br />
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However, they're usually cool looking, so if you really want to use them and make the most of them, you have to be quick. They all will go up to 'plus' armors too, but you have only a few days to a week of a window to get all of the materials needed for two sets. The boss will only show up randomly while you're fighting random battles. If you go to the first area, the Relic Ruins, and choose the Epic Stage. If you're at an obscenely high level with strong armor, it doesn't really matter who you use or what you wear, the enemies will only be able to take 1 hp off of you. If you're lower than that, make sure that you're maximizing on spirit armor and minimizing on air. Keep battling this stage over and over, and kill the boss every time he shows up. You'll get a lot of earth shards and stone slabs, and you'll also be finishing the boss quests quickly.<br />
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Now, most of these armors take 50-70 materials to make, which is a ton, and most of the initial materials come from the quests. So it'll take a lot of grinding, but continue to fight at the Relic Ruins until you have the materials required to make a second set of the armor. Once you have that, you can level it up at your leisure until it's high enough to create a 'plus' armor. What I like to do is to create the 'plus' armor and then upgrade it with the original armor. It'll give it a nice level boost due to the original already being level 15-20, and then I won't accidentally use it because it's higher than level 1.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AQ_YIUk73_Y/URVVzWCRkvI/AAAAAAAAFoY/fELJDZpmipg/s1600/IMG_0654.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AQ_YIUk73_Y/URVVzWCRkvI/AAAAAAAAFoY/fELJDZpmipg/s320/IMG_0654.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For this week (Feb 8th) it's the Banshee. Looks like Edward Scissorhair.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
If you miss your chance to get all of the materials and the boss is gone, you can use the Summoning Stone, but it's a pretty hefty amount of gems and you only get two materials. I was under the impression when I started playing the game that these bosses would eventually come back, and I could get more materials then, but I haven't come across it, new bosses keep being created, so as far as I know, you only get the once chance and then you have to pay.<br />
<br />
I won't include a list of the armors that I've found with the weekly bosses, unless they do start cycling through again. Unless you want to pay a ton of gems to craft them, you won't be able to make them anyway.<br />
<br />
Every time a new boss comes to town, there is an armor set available in the Enchanted Chance Chests that when put on, deals extra damage to the boss. As far as I know, there is no way to craft these, you just have to get lucky and get them from the chests. And they don't seem terribly powerful, so I've never leveled them, and I don't know if they will allow 'plus' versions or not.<br />
<br />
Note: I've found that fusion will give you the weekly boss armors, which is handy if it's that week, so you can just level up that one and then use the materials from the quest to create a 'plus' version. See Fusion Guide below.<br />
<br />
<b>Bosses and What They Drop</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Sometimes you'll have a multitude of quests that require you to make different types of armor or collect many different materials. It helps to know what bosses drop what, in case you're after their rare drop and also their common drop. That way you don't spend too much time fighting the lower bosses and then ending up with a ton of frustration trying to get the rarer materials.<br />
<br />
For example, if I had a quest to collect Typhoon Gems and Ghostly Beard Hairs, it would be more effective to start with Ghostbeard the Pirate because he drops both. If I battled Waterio I'd end up with enough Typhoon Gems and some extra Chunks of Coral, but then I'd go battle Ghostbeard for longer because the Beard Hairs are rarer, and then I'd end up with a ton more Typhoon Gems anyway. Of course, if you want lots of extra materials to be able to craft lots of armor, this is fine, but for the sake of finishing the quests and leveling up quicker, the previous method is more effective.<br />
<br />
Here's a list of the bosses, their element, and the type of materials they drop (rarest on the right):<br />
<b><br /></b>
Earthquake Serpent - Earth - Stone Slabs<br />
Water Elemental - Water - Chunks of Coral<br />
Gorgon Warmistress - Snakeskin Leather Scraps<br />
Crimson Dragon - Crimson Dragon Scales<br />
Mighty Mammoth Rider - Valhallan Steel Ingots<br />
Titania - Mystic Cloth Scraps<br />
Waterio - Chunks of Coral - Typhoon Gems<br />
Cockatrice - Valhallan Steel Ingots - Shiny Shards<br />
Chimera - Stone Slabs - Chimera Talons<br />
Phoenix - Mystic Cloth Scraps - Phoenix Feathers<br />
Hydra - Crimson Dragon Scales - Hydra Scales<br />
Ghostbeard The Pirate - Typhoon Gems - Ghostly Beard Hairs<br />
Swamp Kraken - Hydra Scales - Wriggling Roots<br />
The Roc God - Shiny Shards - Roc Feathers<br />
Cerberus - Chimera Talons - Infernal Iron Chunks<br />
Prince Of Darkness - Phoenix Feathers - Evil Jewels<br />
<br />
<b>Fusion Guide</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
You can collect fusion stones from battles, PVP rewards, chests, or you can buy them. Each stone allows you to fuse two armor sets together to make new armor.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Misb0Ja3xQg/URVVwWbzC0I/AAAAAAAAFoA/f41q-1DjQKo/s1600/IMG_0648.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Misb0Ja3xQg/URVVwWbzC0I/AAAAAAAAFoA/f41q-1DjQKo/s320/IMG_0648.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This guy looks way too happy about fusion.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This list is not complete yet, because I haven't done a lot of fusion. I'm currently fusing as much as I can to compile a full list, but I can only craft so much armor at a time. While playing through all of the areas, I only did whatever fusion was required for quests, but didn't see much of a need for it. It's a quick way to get new armor, but unfortunately it doesn't create 'plus' armor, which is what I've been after.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, if you are buying stones and have access to an unlimited amount, it is very useful to fuse the basic element armors together. On their own, they don't level armor very fast for upgrading, but when fused together they make better armor sets that will boost xp significantly.<br />
<br />
So this is my list in progress:<br />
<i>Also, I'm not sure if you get different things from fusing the same things multiple times. These are the ones that I got, and I did a couple of them twice to see if I got different outcomes, and I didn't. But I didn't want to waste too many fusion stones on the same ones, so if you follow this and you happen to get something different, please leave it in the comments and I'll add it to my list.</i><br />
<br />
Basic Earth/Basic Air - Monstrous Garb (Earth/Air)<br />
Basic Earth/Basic Water - Snakeskin Armor (Earth/Water)<br />
Basic Earth/Basic Fire - Volcanic Mantle (Earth/Fire)<br />
Basic Earth/Basic Spirit - Monk's Vestments (Earth/Spirit)<br />
Basic Air/Basic Water - Lightning Lord Armor (Air/Water)<br />
Basic Air/Basic Fire - Flamestorm Finery (Air/Fire)<br />
Basic Air/Basic Spirit - Wind Monarch's Robes (Air/Spirit)<br />
Basic Water/Basic Fire - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)<br />
Basic Water/Basic Spirit - Wavecharmer's Mantle (Water/Spirit)<br />
Basic Fire/Basic Spirit - Living Flame Armor (Fire/Spirit)<br />
<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Basic Earth - Volcanic Mantle (Fire/Earth)<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Basic Air - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Basic Water - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Basic Spirit - Living Flame Armor (Spirit/Fire)<br />
<br />
Mystic Armor/Basic Earth - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)<br />
Mystic Armor/Basic Air - Wind Monarch's Robes (Spirit/Air)<br />
Mystic Armor/Basic Water - Glacier Armor (Spirit/Water)<br />
Mystic Armor/Basic Fire - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)<br />
<br />
Seafoam Armor/Basic Earth - Asura Armor (Water/Earth)<br />
Seafoam Armor/Basic Spirit - Wavecharmer's Mantle (Water/Spirit)<br />
Seafoam Armor/Basic Air - Atlantean Avenger Armor (Air/Water)<br />
Seafoam Armor/Basic Fire - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)<br />
<br />
Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Spirit - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)<br />
Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Air - Crius Armor (Air/Earth)<br />
Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Fire - Volcanic Mantle (Fire/Earth)<br />
Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Water - Asura Armor (Water/Earth)<br />
<br />
Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Spirit - Wind's Monarch Robes (Spirit/Air)<br />
Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Fire - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)<br />
Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Water - Atlantean Avenger Armor (Air/Water)<br />
Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Earth - Crius Armor (Air/Earth)<br />
<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Mystic Armor - Living Flame Armor (Spirit/Fire)<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Seafoam Armor - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Volcanic Mantle (Fire/Earth)<br />
Dragonflame Armor/Wing Warrior's Armor - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)<br />
Mystic Armor/Seafoam Armor - Wavecharmer's Mantle (Water/Spirit)<br />
Mystic Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)<br />
Mystic Armor/Wing Warrior's Armor - Wind Monarch's Robes (Spirit/Air)<br />
Seafoam Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Snakeskin Armor (Earth/Water)<br />
Seafoam Armor/Wing Warrior's Armor - Atlantean Avenger Armor (Air/Water)<br />
Stonescale Plate Mail/Wing Warrior's Armor - Flowstone Battlegear (Earth/Air)<br />
<br />
Living Flame Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)<br />
Chimera Corps Uniform/Basic Water Armor - Glacier Armor (Spirit/Water)<br />
Glacier Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Asura Armor (Water/Earth)<br />
<br />
<b>The Kingdom of Darkness</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
The last battle area is the Kingdom of Darkness, and I just thought I'd give a heads up to those of you who haven't gotten there yet. Be prepared! Each stage in the KOD is all boss battles, and they're way harder to defeat than ever before. So make sure that you've got some high armor and some friends in high places because they're tough battles to live through.<br />
<br />
Pretty much all of the elements are present in every stage, so just slap on your highest level armor and hope for the best.<br />
<br />
The cool thing about this area is that if you have any quests left where you have to collect materials, it's a lot faster to get them because the bosses are all together. You don't have to go through seven battles of peons to get to the good stuff. There are a few peons with a boss for every battle. They also are more likely to drop chance chest keys than in any other area.<br />
<br />
Every enemy in this area gives tons of xp, so you'll gain levels much quicker. This is handy in the middle of a stage when you're about to die.<br />
<br />
Normal Stage:<br />
Battle 1/3 - Earthquake Serpent<br />
Battle 2/3 - Water Elemental<br />
Battle 3/3 - Gorgon Warmistress<br />
<br />
Mighty Stage:<br />
Battle 1/3 - Crimson Dragon<br />
Battle 2/3 - Mighty Mammoth Rider<br />
Battle 3/3 - Titania<br />
<br />
Valor Stage:<br />
Battle 1/3 - Waterio<br />
Battle 2/3 - Cockatrice<br />
Battle 3/3 - Chimera<br />
<br />
Honor Stage:<br />
Battle 1/3 - Phoenix<br />
Battle 2/3 - Hydra<br />
Battle 3/3 - Ghostbeard The Pirate<br />
<br />
Epic Stage:<br />
Battle 1/4 - Swamp Kraken<br />
Battle 2/4 - The Roc God<br />
Battle 3/4 - Cerberus<br />
Battle 4/4 - Prince of Darkness<br />
*Beware that the Prince of Darkness has two forms, so don't waste your special attack on his first form!*<br />
<br />
<b>Max Armor Stats</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Here's a list of the main boss armor and their maximum stats. Unfortunately I don't have the early ones, and don't care to level them up because it would be a waste of materials. I had Dragonflame and Stonescale maxed out but I enhanced higher level armor with them long before I started this guide. I also had Steam Wizard and Lightning Lord armors maxed out, but when I realized I wouldn't be able to craft + versions of them I used them to enhance stronger armor, because they weren't very powerful anyway. I'm working on maxing out all of the main armors so I will post the stats here as I do.<br />
<br />
Atlantean Avenger Armor+ Level 50/50: Attack 746 Defense 777<br />
Crius Armor+ Level 50/50:<br />
Chimera Corps Uniform+ Level 50/50:<br />
Living Flame Armor+ Level 50/50: Attack 777 Defense 737<br />
Hydra Hunter's Mail+ Level 50/50:<br />
Spectral Captain's Uniform+ Level 70/70:<br />
Swamp Shaman Robes+ Level 70/70:<br />
Rocfeather Robes+ Level 70/70:<br />
Armor of the Infernal Lord+ Level 70/70:<br />
The Dark Prince's Royal Armor+ Level 70/70:<br />
<br />
<b>Tips For Progressing Smoothly and Quickly</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
1. Quests! Finish your quests as best you can, because they give lots of experience. Sometimes you even get armor, fusion stones, materials, and/or gems.<br />
<br />
2. Use your friends to your advantage. If you have some high level friends, and your knights are pretty hurt but can still enter a battle, queue up a battle with a weak knight and two high powered friends. You can unlock extra stages this way without having to wait for your knights to heal. This will open up the map faster, and get you much needed experience from battles. Always keep your friends list maxed!<br />
<br />
3. Level armor one at a time. Try not to spread out your leveling, otherwise you'll have six mediocre knights instead of two or three powerful ones. Remember to level diverse elements so that you can cover all bases no matter where you go for battles. If you're hurting in a new stage because you don't have the right elements at a high enough level, call in some friends for backup.<br />
<br />
4. Fusion is your friend. If you're trying to level a level 70 armor and it's taking forever because you don't have enough materials to make dual element armor, fuse together basic element armors to make more powerful sets. Then use those to enhance.<br />
<br />
5. Open up the map as far as you can before you can't battle anymore. If you've gone as far as you can on your quests and/or are getting bored grinding for certain materials for a quest, open up new stages. The further you can go, the more experience points you're going to get from killing enemies. Plus it gives you a heads up for what's happening in the next area when you have to go there to quest.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Conclusion</b><br />
<br />
I hope that this guide helps people out, whether they're just starting the game or not. If anyone has any comments or questions or wants to let me know whether I got something wrong or missed something, please don't hesitate to leave comments below.<br />
<br />
Also I have a question, for anyone out there that knows, I've come across a knight in the arena with strange armor. The element is a white pentagon, and his attack kills me every time. I've only seen him with it, nobody else, and I don't know what it is. I thought maybe it was the reward for beating the Dark Prince, but I'm done all of that and I've never seen it. I'm not sure if maybe I can fuse it, but I'll see as I go through fusing if I can find it. Or maybe it was a first prize in PVP? He does really well in the tournaments, so that's an idea. Anyway, if anyone knows what that armor is and/or how to get it, it would help my curiosity greatly. :)<br />
<br />
<b>2013-02-09 EDIT</b><br />
<br />
So, I found a really wicked comprehensive armor crafting blog for this game <a href="http://5hoursofsleep.wordpress.com/2013/01/05/knights-dragons-rise-of-the-dark-prince-y-u-no-hav-data/" target="_blank">HERE</a>. The general consensus over there is that all of the armor fusion is random, so you never really know what you're going to get when you fuse two elements together. So, my list up there will continue, but now it's just a list of what I've gotten. There's a ton of discussion over there too, so check it out! I'm going to continue my list, just for shits and giggles, but it's not the be all and end all of fusing armor.<br />
<br />
Also in answer to my question above, that armor is called Starmetal Armor and someone has fused it by combining Barbarian Raiding Gear and Spectral Captain's Uniform. So w00t! I'll try it eventually and see what happens.<br />
<br />
<b>2013-02-10 EDIT</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I'm out of fusion stones. ^_^'<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading!<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
<b>2013-07-15 UPDATE: </b>I've moved this entire blog over to WordPress, so this post will no longer be updated on Blogger. Click <a href="https://cszinegh.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/knights-and-dragons-iphone-guide/" target="_blank">here</a> for the new blog, where all of the updates will happen! I've imported the entire blog, so all of your comments will remain intact and 'add me' requests will be visible. :) Happy battling!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com74tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-55278841810381707212013-01-25T14:58:00.001-05:002013-01-25T14:58:04.965-05:00The Boss Chapter TwoIf you haven't yet checked out the sexy serial novel The Boss, by Abigail Barnette, check it out <a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">here</a>! Go ahead, I'll wait. :)<br />
<br />
I got my street team copy of chapter two last night, and there are so many things right with it that I don't even know where to start. For those of you who don't know, Abigail Barnette is a pseudonym for the talented Jenny Trout, who has been doing chapter-by-chapter recaps of the 50 Shades Trilogy. She's opened many eyes as to why the series is terrible, from the writing itself to the prevalent themes that E.L. James has snuck in under many noses. Therefore, Jenny has decided to write a proper erotic romance and give it away for free, because she's fucking awesome.<br />
<br />
In chapter 1, we met Sophie, a twenty four year old woman working at a top fashion magazine. Her boss has mysteriously quit or been fired, and the man that has taken the position is a man from Sophie's past. A sexy older gentleman named Neil that once introduced her a night of passion that she's never forgotten.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S_QrxwFc_3Q/UQLcdvTyBVI/AAAAAAAAFmo/QIxRRHE8j9o/s1600/ASH-GilesPromoL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S_QrxwFc_3Q/UQLcdvTyBVI/AAAAAAAAFmo/QIxRRHE8j9o/s320/ASH-GilesPromoL.jpg" width="257" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jenny is an avid Giles fan. So I just picture Neil like this. Yum.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In chapter two, we get into the meat of the story. Sophie's best friend Holli is a model, but she's not a pretentious bitch. She's thin and beautiful and perfect, but Sophie does not resent her in the slightest. They have an amazing friendship, they're roommates, and they talk about their problems while smoking weed and drinking wine. It's an incredibly well written and realistic scene, the dialogue was so perfect. And I love that neither of them feels it necessary to compete with one another. Sophie does not ever imply anything negative towards her friend, because they're best friends. In 50 Shades, Ana constantly talks about Kate (her best friend) like she has to one-up her, and the only time that she ever thinks about her or 'misses' her is when she's having a Christian crisis. But then Christian wants to fuck and the crisis is over and Ana instantly forgets she even has friends. She also innately 'slut-shames' Kate for having a sexual relationship with Elliot (Kate's boyfriend), meanwhile she fucks Christian three times a day. This kind of terrible cattiness is not present in The Boss.<br />
<br />
I also like that Sophie has very real issues. She's worried about whether or not she's going to be able to keep her job, since she was the personal assistant to her previous one. She's planning ahead, calculating what savings she has, and even going so far as to think about selling some of her extra purses and clothes on the internet if she needs extra cash. She says that having things like that is awesome, but it's not necessary to live. She has to pay bills, and wants to work to support herself, thus making her an independent and relatable woman with real world issues. It makes you respect her. In 50 Shades, Ana doesn't have to pay for anything because she lives with Kate, and Kate's rich parents pay for it all. Ana has a car that was given to her by Jose (Mexican Jacob). So she literally has no expenses. And she pretends that working is so important to her and she wants to do it because she has to be independent and Christian can't just buy her stuff all the time... but then she's the worst employee ever. She emails back and forth with Christian constantly on her work email, takes personal calls, and her 'friends' stop by the office all the time to see her. All in the first week of working there. And then *SPOILER* her boss gets fired and she gets promoted to editor. It's unrealistic and ridiculous.<br />
<br />
And then, readers, then we get some action. And I feel like there is hope for this world, after all. The entire time I was reading 50 Shades I was waiting for hot sex. This proclaimed dirty and naughty book about BDSM ended up being BORING. The first sex scene was just normal sex, and it was decently written, but every single sex scene afterwards was the exact same. The only dirty thing that happened was the infamous bathroom scene where Christian pulls out her tampon before he fucks her. Ew. Ew. Ew. All of the BDSM stuff ended up actually not being sexual at all, and it turned out that Christian just beat her when he was angry. Not sexy, folks.<br />
<br />
Anyway, in chapter two of The Boss, Sophie has a wonderful flashback while she's pleasuring herself in the bathtub. She's thinking back to the night she spent with Neil, and oh god. Just delicious. It was beautifully written, and delightfully fresh. It was sexy as hell, and I actually applauded out loud for Abigail Barnette. Also, Sophie comments on how she 'jilled off' in the tub, and I laughed out loud. This is the kind of erotic literature I want to read. This is the kind of erotic literature that everyone should want to read. A world of realistic and relatable situations, with a hero and heroine that you like, and steamy sex scenes that make you want to tear your clothes off.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fYu-NsI3jN8/UQLjYrNeD7I/AAAAAAAAFm4/Yn442wpRWNE/s1600/Anthony-Head-anthony-stewart-head-9540844-900-308.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="109" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fYu-NsI3jN8/UQLjYrNeD7I/AAAAAAAAFm4/Yn442wpRWNE/s320/Anthony-Head-anthony-stewart-head-9540844-900-308.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I've now spent too much time looking at pictures of Anthony Stewart Head. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Boss Chapter 2 will be up for your carnal pleasure <a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">here</a> on January 30th.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-81296008510912481742013-01-24T12:48:00.001-05:002013-01-24T12:48:15.825-05:00What A Week.So, after the emotional rollercoaster that has been this week, I'm determined to get back to living life the way a certain friend of mine would have wanted me to. Joelle always had so many things on the go, was so lively and fun, so I'm going to get the hell out of bed and channel her to the best of my ability. I hope everyone else feels this way too. One of our favourite things to quote to each other was the infamous "Be excellent to each other, and party on, dude!". They are words to live by.<br />
<br />
In the spirit of being excellent to people, I will be lightening my news to try to bring some inspiration and cheer to the world. Here's a picture to make you smile:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xQwA2jLh2D8/UQFothULFCI/AAAAAAAAFmI/ly9b2Pdb6Ns/s1600/yogacats1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xQwA2jLh2D8/UQFothULFCI/AAAAAAAAFmI/ly9b2Pdb6Ns/s320/yogacats1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As Ashley has taught me, there is no power on this earth that cheers me up like <a href="http://www.amazon.ca/Yoga-Kittens-Calendar-Dan-Borris/dp/1421666499" target="_blank">Yoga Kittens</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
That being said, one good thing came out of my extensive stays in bed. I finished Vivid 2. Not exactly sure what happened, I was just farting around on my computer and suddenly went "hey, I'm gonna write", and then the characters that I've known and loved for many years decided to finish the second episode of their journey.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In four hours it was complete, and I was a little flabbergasted, as I've been stuck on episode 2 for about a year and half now. But it felt really good to finish, and editing stuff also makes me super happy, so it was win/win. I'm in the process of typing up the second draft after editing the crap out of it, and then it's on to other editing (ie, Emerald and my wonderful father), then a final draft will be crafted for publishing.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've made my release date March 1st, to give me ample time to do this but also a deadline so that I don't get slacking. It's an exciting time, and I want to keep the pressure on now. I've also decided that once it's up on the Kindle store, I'm going to make episode 1 free to purchase. It's a novella, and really just the prologue to the whole series, so I thought I'd share it with everyone for free. So March 1st is going to be a big day. :)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I also have something else to do before March 1st, and that is a book cover. As a self-proclaimed photographer, I take very meticulous steps with my covers. I am a firm advocate of "don't judge a book by it's cover", but only in the metaphorical sense, as in when it comes to people, or other things in life. In the literal sense, with books, they have to have an awesome cover. I feel like it adds to the whole ambience of the story. Also I've totally bought random books in the bargain section of Chapters just because they look cool, without even reading the back. I figure I can't possibly be the only person that does that, so if one of my covers happen to hook just one random person, then yay!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway, I'm getting off track here. (That happens a lot, which is why I let other people edit my shit even after I've done it myself.) I have an idea for a cover in mind, it's loose in the sense that I'm not sure of exact framing and posing, but specific in the sense that I want it to focus on my main character, Moxie. I need Moxie's face.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For episode 1, I wanted the sandy-haired man's face. I spent a lot of time staring at random people in the street (creepy, I know, but we artists are eccentric by nature), and found him in a young temp at a factory I was working at at the time. Thankfully he didn't freak out when I asked him if he'd be interested in modeling for my book cover, and we became friends. After much talking, planning, an extensive makeup session with my very talented cousin Edith in Missisauga, and some photoshop, I ended up with the cover of my dreams.</div>
<div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UkMiWv_BRaA/UQFs2NK602I/AAAAAAAAFmY/1SlqzQfhk-A/s1600/FinalCover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UkMiWv_BRaA/UQFs2NK602I/AAAAAAAAFmY/1SlqzQfhk-A/s320/FinalCover.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jay Seiler, amateur model, kickass dude!</td></tr>
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It's awesome how things come together, and I'm hoping that in the same fashion I can find the perfect Moxie face. So, if anyone is interested, you can let me know via email. If you have any female friends that you think would be into being on a book cover, send them my way. Don't be shy, I am accepting submissions from anyone, and the more I have the wider my options for finding Moxie!<div>
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My email is caitlinszinegh@gmail.com, and if you could please send a picture of yourself, that would be great. Any photo will do, I don't care about resolution or editing as long as I can see your face. I will provide a model release, and just to be clear if you're under 18 I will need to meet with your parent or guardian, have their consent, and have them sign a model release for you. I pay cash (with receipt) based on length of the session, and depending on how many perks you would like in return for the shoot. These include professional makeup, a CD of edited photos from your shoot, and a free download/hard copy of the book. I will be using CafePress to get a few hard copies, so if you'd like a monument to your awesomeness I can provide you with one. Also, hair. Moxie has platinum blue hair. I can do this in photoshop, but if you're interested in realism and want to dye your hair this colour, I will purchase all of the materials and do your hair for you the day before the shoot. I must note that being willing to do this will NOT sway your chances over someone who doesn't want to dye their hair, I'm concentrating on the right candidate. I just wanted to throw that out there, that if you want cool hair out of this, I am totally game for doing it for you.</div>
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With all of that out of the way, if you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment here, email me, or send me a message on facebook. And spread the word! I don't have an exact deadline for the shoot, because I want to be meticulous in finding Moxie, but with my deadline of publishing on March 1st, I'm hoping to do this mid to late February. Of course, the shoot date will be chosen once I get in contact with my candidate, and I will work with their availability.</div>
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Whew. I'm terribly excited. I'm going to get back to typing the second draft so that Emerald doesn't kill me for making her wait so long.</div>
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Just before I do that, I just want to let my readers (love you guys) know that I'm all about networking and helping people out. I'm actually getting more views on this blog than I thought I would, and as such wanted to extend a helping hand to anyone else out there that's trying to gain some views on their stuff. I'm on the street team for The Boss (which I will be reviewing and pimping chapter two tomorrow, yay!), and would love to help out anyone else trying to get hits for their blog, portfolios, or whatever else they're trying to market.</div>
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So, if you have a slice of internet creativeness that you'd like to share, shoot it my way and I'll take a look and pimp it for you. :) I'm rather enjoying this whole blogging thing, it's a nice outlet for me, and if I can be excellent to someone in helping direct traffic to their own outlet, that would be salubrious.</div>
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Kay, Emerald, I swear I'm done this post.</div>
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P.S. If anyone wants to get in touch with Edith for her awesome aesthetic work, or with Jay for modeling, shoot me your info and I will get it to them!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-91175228654299323722013-01-18T12:26:00.005-05:002013-01-18T12:26:41.201-05:00Only The Good Die YoungI don't really know what to do with myself right now. I found out yesterday that one of my friends died. I like to think that I'm good at dealing with stuff like this. But this was very jarring, and very sudden, and she was only a few years older than me. When my roommate came home from work yesterday and told me I didn't know what to do, so naturally we got wasted. In my drunken stupor I sat in bed staring at a blank blogger post, because in times of trouble I generally turn to writing after alcohol, but I didn't know what to say. My head isn't spinning now, and I've decided instead of talking about how horrible this is it would be better to write about all of the awesomeness that was Joelle Compton.<br />
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I started working at my job in March 2010, a simple dog kennel attendant cleaning up shit and playing with my babies. Joelle was one of the management staff, and also in charge of enrichment and socializing of the animals. She often came down my way to arrange playdates with the dogs, and start training the puppies on leashes and socialize them with some of the older dogs. She was so good with them, she knew every dog's personality and what toys they liked and who their relatives were and who their best friends were.<br />
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I took an instant liking to her, and was especially impressed the one day that she spied my tattoo and knew Ignignokt from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Coolest manager ever.<br />
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About six months into working there, I wanted to become a team leader. I wanted to train people, and help out the management in any way I could. I talked to them, and Joelle was the one that got the ball rolling for me. She put me through all the steps, the time studies and the cross training, and got me the chance even though normally people have to wait a year before they can apply for the position. When the owners asked if there was any kennel attendants doing exceptionally well that deserved a raise, Joelle suggested me, and when she told me that she coupled it with a hug. I was so excited, and she was excited for me, and it was awesome.<br />
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She was the heart and soul of that place, aside from her absolute connection with the animals, she was so consistent with the employees as well. She always made sure to tell people when they were doing a good job. Every day when people would come in to get their morning sheets she would say good morning to every single person, that little bright kickstart to the day. At the end, she would say thanks as people were dropping off their sheets, thanks for coming in, thanks for working so hard, thanks for taking that old dog for a walk because he really appreciated it. If we were short staffed and everyone had to bust ass to clean extra rooms, she would personally thank everyone for their hard work, and then bring in timbits the next day.<br />
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I had my issues there, everyone does, but Joelle was the motivation that kept me positive and wanting to do a good job there. She was the only one in management that I felt comfortable going to talk to about things in the colony, because she was always understanding, never condescending, and she took my opinions and problems into consideration and then discussed with me both of our ideas on how to fix them. She always relayed them to the right source and got to the bottom of things.<br />
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When I was looking to get a dog, Joelle and I talked about it at great lengths, and she gave me all kinds of tips about breeders and what to look for. When I finally found Izzy, she was so excited for me. On the day I got her I drove to work on my day off hoping to catch my mom before she went in so that she could meet her, and Joelle ended up coming up the laneway at five to eight. She was fifteen minutes late that day, and didn't care because she was so excited to meet my new little girl. She kept gushing about how beautiful she was. I apologized for her lateness but she said that welcoming Izzy to her new life was more important than clocking in on time.<br />
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Close to Easter, Joelle asked me if I'd be interested in taking Izzy to an egg hunt for dogs. It was the Saturday of Easter weekend and she wouldn't be able to make it because she had to work, but thought that I would be interested. It was to raise money for a company that raises dogs to be companion animals for autistic children. I researched the shit out of it, and my heart grew ten sizes reading about it, it was such a good cause. Joelle pledged money for me, and I got some other donations. I asked Emerald if she'd like to come with her kids, because I figured they'd have more fun hunting eggs than Izzy, and we went and had an awesome day. Izzy got to meet all kinds of awesome dogs, we hunted for eggs, we got a bunch of prizes, and the autism dogs got a ton of donations. Joelle was so appreciative and so stoked when I told her all about it, and I remember thinking "what an amazing person". She could have just said "oh well, maybe next year", but she so badly wanted to contribute that she asked me if I wanted to go instead. She also knew that I was always looking for things to do with my little girl.<br />
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When Joelle went on sick leave for the first time, it was like a piece of the building was missing. Nobody even told us she was leaving, she just wasn't there for a while. Rumours went around that she was sick, and at one point I decided to ask one of the other managers if she was coming back, because after a few weeks I was worried. I believe my exact words were "I don't want to be nosy, but is Joelle coming back? I miss her." I was assured that she was coming back, she was just on leave.<br />
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When she came back, there had been some nasty rumours flying around as to where she'd been, because we're a small staff and some people can be terrible human beings. I did my best to diffuse them, because even if they were true, it was nobody's fucking business, but we had all just been told that she was sick. It was an angry time, and I felt bad for her when she got back because it didn't take long for her to catch wind of such rumours. She was a little jaded and seemed unhappy, and at one point during the day I cornered her in a dog room and gave her a hug. I told her that I was so happy she was back because this place wasn't the same without her, and I'm sorry that people are assholes and don't let it get to you because I know that whatever happened was your business and I appreciate the shit out of you and I was worried and I missed you. I think she was surprised, but she hugged me back and thanked me.<br />
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She later told me, throughout multiple sick leaves, why she was so sick. I hadn't needed justification, but it made me even angrier that other people did. She took a lot of shit inside and out of work, and the fact that she managed to still make nice made me respect the hell out of her.<br />
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Joelle didn't deserve any of this. She was such a good person, so fun, so positive, so genuinely nice, and she had a fucking horrible run of things, and now she's gone. And it's awful. Things like this are always so terrible, but it's different reading about it happening to someone you don't know, and then having it happen to someone so close. I wish I'd have spent more time with her outside of work. I wish I had told her more times that she was appreciated. I wish so many things had happened differently for her. But none of us can change the past.<br />
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I'm going to miss you, Joelle, I'll never forget everything you did for me, and everyone else around you. You always said you wanted to come to see me play sometime, so before I totally lose my shit again, I'm going to end this post and play my guitar for awhile. Never in my whole life have I wished so hard that I could turn back the clock.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-41325924987998808382013-01-14T22:24:00.002-05:002013-01-14T22:28:17.031-05:00The Boss Premieres Tomorrow!For those of you who haven't heard, a lovely witty and charming lady by the name of Jenny Trout is writing a serial novel. Her pseudonym is Abigail Barnette, and Abby is a dirty girl. She's the author of many an erotic romance, and she's spinning a new tale called <a href="http://abigailbarnettestheboss.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">The Boss</a>.<br />
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It started with <a href="http://jenniferarmintrout.blogspot.ca/p/jen-reads-50-shades-of-grey.html" target="_blank">these</a>. Jenny Trout is incredibly smart and fucking hilarious. It's a beautiful combination in her recaps of the ever popular 50 Shades trilogy. Basically she takes each chapter, and tells you what happens so that you don't have to read it. She also explains why what's good is good and what's bad is bad every step of the way.<br />
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Of course, as much as I worship her for doing this, there are always people that oppose. And the biggest idiots are the ones that say something along the lines of "why dont u just writ ur OWN storys and stop making fun of other ppls!?@?@?!". This is retarded because Jenny is an established author, and DOES write her own stories, she's just expressing her opinions (that many of us share) about a piece of shit trilogy that has somehow weaseled its way into the spotlight. But alas, Miss Trout must make a point where a point must be made, so she's decided that Abigail Barnette is going to kick the shit out of 50 Shades with her own story.<br />
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The Boss is going to be released chapter by chapter on the 15th and 30th of every month. The first chapter was supposed to debut tomorrow, but she released it early, so it's live right now!<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 19px;"><i>Sophie Scaife almost ran away once, trading her ticket to college for a ticket to Tokyo. But a delayed flight and one incredibly hot night with a stranger changed her mind, putting her firmly on track to a degree and a career at a New York fashion magazine.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 19px;"><i>Six years later, she’s shocked to find that irresistible stranger is now her boss, billionaire Neil Elwood. And Sophie can’t stop thinking about their one amazing night.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 19px;"><i>But Neil has eccentric tastes, and he wants to be sure Sophie can handle them. Sophie will have to prove she’s his match both at work and at play, and surrender to her Master’s every erotic whim.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 19px;"><i>Torn between their professional duties and their sensual desires, Sophie and Neil embark on a journey into their darkest sexual fantasies. But when Sophie gets the chance of a lifetime, will she follow her dreams, or her heart?</i></span></span></div>
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I've read the first chapter, and I'm extremely impressed. My first thought is that Abigail Barnette is an extremely eloquent writer. She keeps in simple, gets the point across, and also adds in the flavour that is going to bloom and grow into Sophie Scaife, this main character that I'm already falling in love with. She's very down to earth, she's realistically reacting to the situations I've seen her in thus far, and I'm rooting for her every step of the way.</div>
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And her first encounter with Neil. Very electric. You can taste the tension. I'm extremely excited for more of this story to unravel. I also read on Jenny Trout's blog that the first sex scene is over 3000 words. Yes, please.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The gods of fiction demand that you<a href="https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_F3LzOrCRnXVFlWbFJPQWtIRHc/edit?pli=1" target="_blank"> read this</a> now.</span></td></tr>
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P.S. Congratulations to Emerald for finding <a href="http://myroomismelting.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Alice</a>! She's totally fucked, she thinks that she's stuck in her bedroom with melting walls. I think I'm going to leave her there for awhile. If you want to swing by and talk to her, she's only communicating through blog posts, but she's reading her comments.</div>
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If you have no idea what I'm talking about, refer to <a href="http://cszinegh.blogspot.ca/2013/01/houston-we-have-problem.html" target="_blank">this</a>.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-27993619018930391762013-01-14T22:05:00.003-05:002013-01-14T22:05:37.764-05:00JOOSE!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I bought this today.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2kftlFJE-Ro/UPS9IUFhbLI/AAAAAAAAFk0/8zQifeQdOFc/s1600/IMG_0630.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2kftlFJE-Ro/UPS9IUFhbLI/AAAAAAAAFk0/8zQifeQdOFc/s320/IMG_0630.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Betty Boop approves.</div>
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According to my lovely roommate, I woke up one day (Saturday) and decided that I wanted to liquefy vegetables. I'm SO not that impulsive. I totally decided on Friday night that I wanted to liquefy vegetables.</div>
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I watched this documentary on NetFlix (while I should have probably been updating my blog) called Hungry For Change, and it was extremely interesting and enlightening. I already knew that preservatives are bad, and that fast food isn't real food, but I didn't realize that we can't even trust our staples anymore, like bread. "Oh, it's okay, I make my own bread!" I say, but of course, I can't trust the flour or sugar either.</div>
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The whole theme of the movie is that people in modern first world countries are overweight but they're actually starving themselves, because they're getting too many calories and not enough nutrients. This, of course, leads to people being constantly hungry and eating too much. Of course in between all of these healthy-assed people telling me this they're showing clips of people eating big macs and doughnuts, which led to me mowing down a bunch of peanut butter cups while watching the movie.</div>
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The rest of the movie talked about how anyone can boost their health and nutrition, and improve weight, skin, hair, every part of you. In most shows or documentaries about such things, I kick back with my bag of chips and give the TV the finger because I like to eat and nobody is going to dictate to me what I should and should not consume. I tried a diet once, I think I maybe lasted two weeks, because as soon as I tell myself that I can't have something... oh do I ever want it.</div>
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Anyway this movie surprised me, because not one of those people said to stop eating anything. They said to find organic local grown stuff, like fruits and vegetables, or if there are any farms or markets nearby that sell flour that isn't processed to shit. Then just add that into your diet. You'll be getting the nutrients that your body needs, and eventually you won't want to binge on stuff anymore because your body won't be hungry all the time. Pretty cool stuff.</div>
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And then they showed me a wonderful and fun looking contraption known as the juicer. I knew that juicers existed, but I thought they were basically blenders with a different name. I apparently need to be more observant. Juicers... wait for it... juice things. They extract the juice from fruits and vegetables and squirt it into a glass for consuming. So if you juice your daily serving of vegetables into a glass and drink it in the morning, within a half hour your body will have easily digested and absorbed it all and you'll feel awesome. So they say.</div>
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When I get something in my head, I have to do it. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. I love vegetables and fruit, so very much. But it's hard to consume the proper amount each day, and I like to cook them, which takes out half the nutrients. And like, seriously, spinach juice? Sign me up!</div>
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So in short, (ha ha, this wasn't short at all!) I researched the crap out of every juicer in existence, and found one at Canadian Tire that is under $100 and had really great reviews. And I am going to share my juiciness with you all. ;)</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1s84KGkedSo/UPS9Gc7gwsI/AAAAAAAAFks/lFEm-mddir4/s1600/IMG_0632.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1s84KGkedSo/UPS9Gc7gwsI/AAAAAAAAFks/lFEm-mddir4/s320/IMG_0632.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Tee hee, it's called the Magic Bullet.</div>
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So after my roomie, Lisa, and I went nuts at the grocery store buying every fruit and vegetable and fresh herb imaginable, I brought this fucker home and assembled it in about 1.2 minutes. I'd also researched some juice recipes and decided to test drive this one first:</div>
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(Found on www.juicerhead.com)</div>
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Garlic V8 Juice Recipe</div>
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2 tomatoes (I used one large one)</div>
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2 cloves of peeled garlic (Again, I only used one big one)</div>
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1 handful of spinach</div>
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2 celery stalks</div>
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2 carrots</div>
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1/4 lemon (I skipped this, didn't want to taint the garlic)</div>
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1 shot of hot sauce (optional)</div>
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Tell me that doesn't make your mouth water. So I turned on the Beast (that's the juicer's new name) and tossed in the garlic. Before I could blink, it was pulp. A flutter of maniacal excitement rippled through me, like a kid just discovering that fingerpaints make way prettier pictures all over the walls of the living room. I juiced the shit of my veggies, and in less than thirty seconds I had what looked like vomit in a glass.</div>
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It tasted like a freshly squeezed caesar. (Side note: I totally just got a picture in my head of someone throwing a Roman king in a juicer. Just thought I would share.) It was so garlic-y, so tomatoe-y, ahhh, I can't even describe it. I wanted to add vodka so bad but I thought that might defeat the purpose.</div>
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At this point Lisa was pretty stoked, so she looked through the recipe book that came with the juicer while I rinsed all the parts. I read during my research travels that it's imperative to clean everything immediately after use, or else the blade parts become cemented with pulp and it's the hugest bitch to clean. This one comes with a handy little toothbrush scrubber thing specifically for cleaning the net, so it was really easy to clean. Gold star for the Magic Bullet.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9rnCIGXUpbQ/UPS9Kvfwx1I/AAAAAAAAFlE/Gs-VwFOYTVU/s1600/IMG_0634.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9rnCIGXUpbQ/UPS9Kvfwx1I/AAAAAAAAFlE/Gs-VwFOYTVU/s320/IMG_0634.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Bottom right is my puke caesar.</div>
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She picked one that used five handfuls of spinach and an apple. It, too, looked like vomit, and tasted like heaven. It actually tasted like apple, but it was so good I'm never going to be able to drink store bought apple juice again. It didn't make very much juice, however, so we just started throwing shit in there. I'm pretty sure there was kale, celery, carrot, pear, and lemon, but I can't remember. It was lovely.</div>
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Our other roommate and landlord had his interest piqued and this point and decided to throw one of everything in there. It turned really cool colours due to the blackberries:</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Iid6XSGKhy0/UPS9M5I3eUI/AAAAAAAAFlU/GKDknvH6lfY/s1600/IMG_0637.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Iid6XSGKhy0/UPS9M5I3eUI/AAAAAAAAFlU/GKDknvH6lfY/s320/IMG_0637.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I don't even know what that looks like.</div>
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His actually tasted kinda spicy, which was weird because there was nothing spicy in it, but he did toss in half a sweet red pepper so maybe that did it? In any case, we learned that anything can be disguised. I'm pretty excited, because I hate cranberries because of their ass aftertaste, but I figure if I add enough sweet fruits to them then I'll get the benefits of the cranberries without the ass.</div>
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So, juicing is awesome. And even though greens don't produce a lot of juice, five handfuls of spinach is a pretty decent sized salad. So that two ounce shot of green is a bowl of salad's worth of nutrients in one swallow. And so yummy!</div>
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In conclusion, I'm going to be drinking at least two glasses a day of this shit, and I'd like to share the results. It's the easiest way to consume healthy shit and I'm super stoked about it. Now I'm going to celebrate with some peanut butter cups.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-28922590368928554892013-01-01T14:11:00.001-05:002013-01-01T14:11:11.873-05:00Houston, we have a problem.So, as you may or may not know, I'm a self-proclaimed writer. I like to post article style non-fiction things, as proven by this blog, but my real passion is fiction. Science fiction and fantasy mostly, but there are many stories dancing around in my head.<br />
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And with these stories come characters. Dancing around in my head. Or sometimes not.<br />
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See, there's this one character. Her name is Alice Cheshire Morgan, and she's more than a little fucked up. She's also very desperate and impatient for me to tell her story. So desperate, in fact, that she managed to weasel her way into my almost-finished second novel, Celestial Starshower. Didn't mean for her to be there, but she managed to enter the Vivid universe and, well, I didn't have the heart to drag her back out of it. It was a fit, of sorts.<br />
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Anyway, I was busily making my way through the novel John Dies at the End (by the amazing David Wong), given to me for Christmas by a friend of mine. The book is pants-shittingly creepy and hilarious all at the same time. Seriously, I'm going to be jumpy for weeks. To say the book was absorbing (I read it in two sittings over a 24 hour period) is an understatement.<br />
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Alice managed to slip out on me before I was finished the book. When I turned the last page, I knew something was missing. I rifled through my memory warehouse (thank you, Stephen King) and realized the side door was wide open, smashing against the outer wall in the fierce wind.<br />
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Normally when a character gets super antsy, they escape into the written word, but I've been squashing Alice down for at least a decade. For whatever reason, I've never had the pristine clarity of inspiration to be able to write her story. And in that time<a href="http://myroomismelting.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">,</span></a> she<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">'</span>s gone a little whacked. This isn't the first time she's done this, either. The last time it took me two months to find her, because she'd convinced herself that she was an eight year old Korean boy trapped in a bomb shelter in Texas. One of my sources found her posting excessively on a dead-for-years message board in broken english, trying to reach out to someone who could help her.<br />
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Naturally you can see why it will be difficult. Every time she slips out she takes on a different identity and hides in the internet. This time I might just let her go. I haven't decided yet. Maybe after enough trips throughout her own personalities I'll have a proper story to tell.<br />
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In any case, I'm proposing someone else look for her this time. Not sure if she'll be a he, what her name will be, where she is, or what she's saying, if she's saying anything at all. So I can't really give you any clues. If you come across her, let me know. Or just talk to her. Maybe she can tell her own story.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-8755386567413717682012-10-18T20:56:00.002-04:002012-10-18T20:56:48.760-04:00What I Would Have Loved to See in The Hunger Games TrilogyWARNING: If you haven't read the Hunger Games Trilogy and don't want any spoilers for the story, please don't read this post.<br />
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I fucking LOVE the HG books. Just thought I'd throw that out there, because I don't want anyone to think that I would ever bash them. It's such a good premise, and it's executed beautifully. The movie was an amazing tribute, one of the best movie adaptations of a book I've ever seen. (Only other good one: Lord of the Rings, and whee, let the haters hate me.)<br />
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That being said, there are a few things that I was really stoked to see happen in the story, and they never happened. I wouldn't change anything outright, just could have used a little <i>more</i>.<br />
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<b>Katniss Should Get Laid</b><br />
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I know, these books are for young adults. But honestly, the whole concept of the Hunger Games is so fucking violent that I really don't think allowing poor Katniss some nookie would have been that bad. I'm not talking erotica here, just allude to the fact that she gets some at least once.<br />
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For starters, the night before her and Peeta go into the arena for the first time. They're both pretty sure that they're going to die the next day, and even if one of them lives the other one HAS to die. So one or both of them are not going to make it. They know this because that's how the game works. I for one, especially as an sixteen year old girl, would have not wanted to die a virgin. Maybe that's just me.<br />
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And Gale! Seriously, her and Gale SO needed to bang when she got back. I know she was supposed to 'be' with Peeta for the public, but her and Gale snuck a kiss, how did they not bone? They were very obviously into each other, and she almost died. She comes back after them pretty much thinking that they were never going to see each other again, and they don't have reunion sex? Psh.<br />
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Oh, dear sweet Gale. *sigh* <br />
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<b>More Politics</b><br />
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Okay, this is probably where you're going to think I'm crazy, but the whole world of Panem fascinates me. I wish I could just pluck a full history book from the HG universe and read it cover to cover. I know the story is written in Katniss' POV, and a sixteen year old girl fighting for her and her family's survival every day probably doesn't care much about history or politics. But I would have loved more glimpses into the rest of the world.<br />
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Peeta and Katniss visit a few of the districts, and the Capitol is explored, but there isn't a lot of insight into the other districts except for a few tidbits of information Katniss throws in. To some people learning every little thing (complete with maps) about each district would be boring as hell, but I'd soak it in like a sponge.<br />
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There are ways to make deep politics and history interesting in fiction, and although I am a writer myself I have no clue how to do it properly or correctly. Unfortunately every reader is different and enjoys different styles, so perhaps there is no right way. But a good example is the Saga Of Recluce by L.E. Modesitt, Jr. My dad and I have been reading those for years, and they are absolutely absorbing. The main storylines and characters in each book are wonderful, but they all come together to basically form a complete history of the entire world and where all of the countries came from. This is complete with political power struggles, trade statistics, and literally how the buildings and technology was built from nothing. And it's so fucking interesting I just can't put the books down. I would have loved such rich immersion in the HG series.<br />
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It would likely have been impossible for them to be young adult books if this were the case; not that teenagers don't read dense novels, I was reading the Saga of Recluce and the Dark Tower books when I was in high school. But a more linear simpler storyline that centers itself completely on the main character (especially because it's told from Katniss' head) is a lot more appealing to younger readers. I guess I kinda wish that these books had been written and geared towards an older audience.<br />
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<b>Katniss and Peeta as Mentors</b><br />
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Don't get me wrong, I absolutely <i>love</i> Catching Fire. IMHO, it's the best out of the three. But I think the trilogy could have become a quadrilogy and had a book in between the first and second. I was really, really looking forward to seeing Katniss and Peeta having to be the mentors for the next Hunger Games. Haymitch could just stay home and get drunk, and Katniss and Peeta would have to deal with the tributes.<br />
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This would have been an emotional rollercoaster, and incredibly awesome to see. Haymitch alludes to the fact that it's horrible having to train these kids and watch them die year after year. Peeta and Katniss survived the Hunger Games together, the first ones ever to defy the Capitol, and now they have to deal with it from the other side. They have to do what they can to train the crap out of these kids, share their insights, get them sponsors, knowing that one or both of them are going to die. Probably both, considering President Snow is all about screwing the lesser districts out of hope. Throughout all of this Katniss and Peeta would also be learning about all of the twisted politics (there it is again!) in the Capitol that goes on between the mentors, not just the tributes. We'd get to meet the people behind the tributes.<br />
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<b>And in an Alternate Universe...</b><br />
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I <i>so</i> wanted Haymitch to go with Katniss in Catching Fire. It would have been so awesome to see him in action, the two of them kicking ass together. I'm biased because I think Peeta is a pissant little wein that should have gotten skewered in the first book (haters gonna be hatin), but can you not agree that it would have been sick to have Haymitch out there?<br />
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I suppose this goes against what I said about not wanting to change anything, and I wouldn't change this, but I would absolutely read a fanfiction about it. Or if Suzanne Collins wants to write a 'what-if' book, I would read the shit out of it. Unlikely, but you know. A girl can dream.<br />
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P.S. Speaking of dreaming, check out the guy that got picked to play Finnick Odair:<br />
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Mm. He'll do. :)<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-46352274596780059822012-10-09T21:21:00.002-04:002012-10-09T21:21:18.957-04:00The 5 Most Gargantuan Cocks in Hollywood (Allegedly)Everyone gets curious about the size of other people's junk. Which is what prompts googling Hollywood's biggest shlongs over dinner. Because I do stuff like that.<br />
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Of course there are many different lists, but many of the same actors kept popping up. So I just picked five that I thought would be the most fun to talk about. Because girls love talking about dicks. Honestly, for the dudes reading this, all of your girlfriend's girlfriends know every detail about your wang.<br />
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<b>Disco Stick #5: Ewan McGregor</b></div>
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This one may surprise some of you that are into chick flicks. For some reason sensitive dudes stereotypically have small wieners. Ewan McGregor has been a sweet and lovable romantic hero in many a girly adventure. He serenaded Nicole Kidman in <i>Moulin Rouge</i>, was Jim Carrey's love muffin in<i> I Love You Philip Morris</i>, and got to take Scarlett Johannson's virginity in <i>The Island</i>.<br />
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But honestly, there's a reason that I knew deep down that Ewan McGregor belonged on this list for a generous helping of tubesteak.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jktxfQ37IS0/UHTDCwvV4rI/AAAAAAAAFi4/PCHrPUP-ff4/s1600/ewan-mcgregor-star-wars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jktxfQ37IS0/UHTDCwvV4rI/AAAAAAAAFi4/PCHrPUP-ff4/s320/ewan-mcgregor-star-wars.jpg" width="320" /></a><b> </b> </div>
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He's Obi-Wan Fucking Kenobi.<br />
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<b>Third Leg #4: Bruce Willis</b></div>
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Ah, Bruce. You've got to love him even when he's the bad guy. Young John McClane with his one-liners in <i>Die Hard</i>, saving the universe (while banging Milla Jovovich) as Korben Dallas in <i>The Fifth Element</i>, and making us cry as Liv Tyler's crass but lovable father in <i>Armageddon.</i> He's an action legend, badass and sexy in his own unique way.</div>
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Bald just works on some dudes. Especially those we know are packin'.</div>
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<b>Longfellow #3: Kiefer Sutherland</b></div>
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Chuck Norris wears Jack Bauer pyjamas. If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called '1'. Someone once told Jack Bauer a knock-knock joke. He found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught three bullets in his chest and used them to reload. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.</div>
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Sorry I honestly just spent an hour and a half reading these. Good GOD I have tears running down my face I've been laughing so hard. Seriously, though.</div>
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This man is going to kill you. With his enormous rod.</div>
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<b>Schwartz #2: Liam Neeson</b></div>
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I honestly didn't really know Liam Neeson until I saw <i>Taken</i>. And then, all of a sudden, I was on the edge of my seat rooting for this extremely sexy DILF battling his way across the world to save his daughter. Just, wow.</div>
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Okay, he was Qui-Gon, which was awesome, but of course with Jar-Jar making my ears bleed it was difficult to pay attention. *Important Note: I will admit that Jar-Jar is one of the absolute cutest aliens in the existence of CG aliens. He just needed to not talk. Ever.<br />
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Liam was also pretty badass as the villain in Batman Begins, but I honestly didn't even remember that until I re watched the movie a few weeks ago.<br />
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"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you." /moment that every woman on the planet suddenly wanted to fuck the shit out of Liam Neeson.<br />
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<b>Heat Seeking Moisture-Missile #1: Patrick Stewart</b></div>
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Now. We have covered the fact that I am a huge nerd. That would not be complete without an inexplicable love for Patrick Stewart. Okay, it's totally explicable.<br />
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He's fucking Jean-Luc Picard. The best StarFleet Captain ever. There is no escaping this.<br />
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Also this:<br />
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Even if you're not a Trekkie (apparently it's TrekKER now, which I personally think sounds gay, thus I refuse to use it), you can't deny Professor X. Patrick Stewart is the most badass motherfucker in the valley. And apparently he has a ginormous ankle-spanker. Professor X may be in a wheelchair, but I bet as a telekinetic he can do all kinds of wonderful things with his drum stick.<br />
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There are so many synonyms for penis on the internet. Honorable mention: Purple headed yogurt flinger. Ew.<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-7901121135441637622012-10-04T17:57:00.003-04:002012-10-04T17:57:54.741-04:005 Reasons Why World of Warcraft is so Deliciously AddictiveWarning: This is a nerd post.<br />
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With the new WoW expansion, Mists of Pandaria, I thought this would be a fitting topic. Also I just really like to talk gaming. Growing up as an only child, I played mostly one player games, and of course got very into RPG's. My dad and I played a LOT of Gran Turismo together too, but the majority of my gaming was old school first-person shooters like Duke Nukem and Doom, or any RPG ever made. Ever. :)<br />
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All of these games had one thing in common, however. They had an ending. So even if I did all of the side quests and all of the mini games, because I'm a crazy person and HAD to have 100% game completion, it still would end eventually and I could get on with real life.<br />
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Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPG), however, have no ending. So I knew better than to ever pick one up, because I knew with my anal tendencies I would, in turn, have no life. (On a side note, Anal Tendencies would be a sick band name.)<br />
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Of course, it was only a matter of time before I was really curious to see what all the hubbub was about with this whole World Of Warcraft thing. So I got a free trial, and spend seven days eating, sleeping, and breathing WoW. I knew better than to buy the game, so I called it a day, gave props to Blizzard for creating such an awesome game, and moved on.<br />
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A year later, I met an extremely awesome nerdy chick (you know who you are!) that was an avid WoW player. We were talking RPG's, and I thought maybe I'd do another free trial just to play with her for a bit... and I lasted one night before I'd bought the game. Go willpower! Anyway, the point of this story is, yes, MMORPG's are addictive as hell, but everything is okay in moderation. Except for chocolate. Chocolate is always okay.<br />
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Reason #5: Factions and Races<br />
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The point of an MMO is that there are bajillions of people playing it at once. They're all split up over different servers to keep this at bay (called Realms in-game), but it's rare to have a playing experience where you don't run into other real people playing.<br />
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When you start, you can pick a race. There are thirteen in all, six for the Alliance Faction (the 'good' guys) and six for the Horde Faction (the 'bad' guys), and the almighty Pandas that choose at level 10 which faction they want to join. The mere fact that there are two main factions to the game creates a kickass competitive edge that really keeps the game interesting.<br />
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The races themselves are diverse, and hilariously voice acted. The Humans sounds like apple-pie bible salesmen, the Dwarves are Scottish drunks, and the Gnomes sound like they're either from New Jersey or Jewish. The Goblins sound like Gilbert Gottfried, the Draenei (horned aliens with hooves for feet) are Russian, the Trolls are Jamaican, and the Pandaren (seriously, pandas) sound like Chiun from Remo Williams. This makes for some seriously entertaining gameplay. Throw in some fun names for the NPC's like Alicia Kuthbert, Audrey Burnhep and Maggyver, and I'm giggling like an idiot while I'm shooting things.<br />
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Each and every one of these races has their own unique starting area and history, and I am a sucker for immersive storyline (see also: Final Fantasy 7). My badass Night Elf Hunter has a long tough history of battling the Horde with her pet raptor by her side. See, if I could have a zombie-killing pet raptor in real life, I wouldn't need video games.<br />
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Reason #4: Questing<br />
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For playing with friends or playing alone, there are quests to be had. Some may argue that some quests are repetitive, but there are subtle differences that keep them fresh. And honestly, I don't think it would be possible to have every single quest in that game be completely different. There are too many.<br />
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I love questing. I don't do raids, I did a dungeon once, but I don't get the same satisfaction as just going through a questline. And if I find that I'm staying in one place too long because there are too many quests, I just move on to either a different area of the same level or a slightly higher level area that I know I can still conquer with my mad skills.<br />
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Some of the quests are ridiculously awesome. You get your run of the mill 'kill twenty rabid cheetah' quests, or 'collect all the explosives we accidentally left all over the forest' quests, but sometimes I'll get a 'get in the hot air balloon and drop bombs on pirates' quests. Whee!<br />
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Reason #3: The World Itself<br />
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Most people watch movies, read books, or play video games for the escape of mundane day to day life. It lets you explore a different world from the comfort of your own home. WoW is quite a vast world to explore. I have spent a lot of time just truckin around on my flying carpet just to see what's around.<br />
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The different countries and provinces are so diverse it's amazing they can keep coming up with these environments. The Pandaren starting island is (SPOILER) on the back of a fucking turtle, bringing one of my favourite creation myths to (virtual) life. All of the Night Elf areas have crazy amazing (craymazing?) trees with houses built in and around them. And some of the towns are just so detailed, with so many structures and rooms and people to get stuff from... I know I'm a total geek but it's fun to explore.<br />
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Reason #2: The Auction House<br />
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So there's this subculture of WoW players that only play the game to buy and sell stuff on the Auction House. They get made fun of by other WoW players... which is actually kinda sad.<br />
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When I play any kind of game, one of my biggest priorities is making as much in-game currency as I can. It's handy for your characters to be rich for obvious reasons, but in WoW specifically it's a huge perk because you can level up professions faster and get really cool mounts and pets.<br />
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Basically at the end of any of my game sessions, I mail any materials to my AH Bitch, which is a level 5 Gnome that just stands in front of the AH in Ironforge all the time. Forever. I know, I'm a slave driver. So then I log in as her, check out what the materials are selling for, and if they're really expensive I'll sell mine for just a little less. If they're going for cheap I'll buy out every single one and then resell everything for super expensive, therefore screwing everyone else looking for those materials. Yes, I am an asshole, but this is how I make my gold. And it feels gooooood.<br />
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Reason #1: Professions<br />
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Okay, so if you're still reading, this is really where I'm going to lose cool points. Professions are what honestly keep me playing this game. In First Aid you make bandages out of cloth you can find around the world, Cooking you cook dishes that give you health and/or mana, Fishing you fish (seriously!), and Archaeology you go around digging for artifacts.<br />
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I have a cooking addiction. My main character is a hunter, which means she has a pet to help her fight, and she uses a bow and arrow. It's rare that I ever even need to use healing items, so there's honestly no point in me cooking anything, but you know. One hundred percent game completion, I'm crazy, okay, get over it. I've also learned that there aren't that many fish on the AH, or at least never the ones that I need at any given time, so I've had to fish.<br />
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Yes, folks, sometimes I lay in bed and cast a virtual fishing rod into virtual water to catch virtual fish. I read somewhere that it takes over 4000 casts to max out the fishing profession. Sad, sad times. Don't get me wrong, I love fishing outdoors with real gear, it's one of my favourite summer pastimes, but unfortunately I can't transfer my brown trout into WoW in order to make food out of it. So, yeah, that's a thing.<br />
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There are many other secondary professions, of which you can only pick two for your character to have. You can switch them out at any time, but if you do that you have to start back from 1, which sucks. There are gathering professions, Mining, Herbalism, and Skinning, in which you collect either ore and jewels, herbs, or animal skin. I like these the best because those materials all sell very well on the AH. The crafting professions utilize these materials to create armor, weapons, bags, clothing, or enchantments for items, spells, and skills. My favourite crafting profession is Tailoring, because although it's annoying to spend gold buying cloth or spend time farming it, you can make some really awesome shit. My first flying mount was a homemade flying carpet. Best way to travel, friends.<br />
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Anyway, I'm off to play with my Panda.<br />
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... that's what she said. ;)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1491165197158575895.post-1329290370733439062012-10-01T17:13:00.001-04:002012-10-01T17:13:20.292-04:00Jammin'When I was younger, I thought that making jam was something that only farmers did. I don't know why, maybe I thought people needed freshly grown fruit and crazy equipment, but it never crossed my mind that I could do it at home. In an apartment, no less. Now I make jam all the time, but it's been a learning experience, to say the least. I thought I might share with you some of my methods and things I've learned, so that everyone knows the joys of having fresh jam on your toast. Or spoon. However you like to eat it. :)<br />
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<b>What You Need</b><br />
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Mason Jars: Most recipes will yield 8 250mL jars. They generally come in boxes of twelve for around five bucks. I get mine at Canadian Tire unless they're on sale somewhere else, which happens most often in the fall.<br />
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Canning Pot: I got a giant water bath canning pot at Canadian Tire for about $25 when I first started out, and it came with a grate inside for lifting jars out. I never use the grate because the holes are too big for the 250mL jars, but it's definitely handy for larger jars.<br />
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Tongs: I didn't have a pair of jar tongs when I did my first batch, so I used my bacon tongs to get the jars in and out of the boiling water. It was very precarious and I am surprised I didn't burn myself. I bought a pair specifically for canning, they're curved and rubbered on the bottom to easily lift jars. Don't be a tard like me and definitely get yourself a pair before making jam.<br />
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Soup Ladle and Funnel: These are for getting the jam into the jars. While the funnel is not necessary, and I'll be honest I don't have one, if you don't want to make a big mess like I do it's recommended.<br />
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Silicon Spatula: My favourite tool for any kind of cooking or baking, the silicon spatula is a wonderful invention and I don't make jam without it.<br />
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Cooking Pot: I use my largest stove top pot for making jam, even if I don't think I'll end up with that much fruit. It's a pain in the ass to have to transfer to a larger pot, so I just always use the biggest one I have just in case.<br />
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Food Processor: This is optional, you can choose to chop or crush your own fruits. I personally use my Tupperware Smooth Chopper to puree or chop the fruit I'm about to make jam out of. I find it creates nice even jam, and I've had better luck with a good set when I completely liquefy my fruit. If I want chunks of fruit, then I add extra chunks to the pot as the rest of it is boiling. <br />
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<b>Choosing Your Fruit</b><br />
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You want fruit that is not too ripe, but not under ripe. If it's too ripe or bruised, the fruit is lower in acid and pectin and won't set as well as it should. If the fruit is less ripe, there won't be enough juice and the jam won't taste as fruity as it should.<b> </b><br />
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Always remember that the recipe amounts are for crushed fruit. Sometimes it's hard to tell how much you're going to need, but it's better to err on the side of having too much. For example, I bought six mangoes, thinking that the pits would be bigger than they were, and ended up with twenty cups of chopped mango for a recipe that only needed four and a half cups. Now I have three jars of mango salsa in my fridge, too. :)<br />
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I've used mango, peach, strawberry, blueberry, raspberry and pear to make jam at this point, and all turned out great. (Except for my very first batch of mango jam, but more on that later!)<br />
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<b>Ingredients</b><br />
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White Granulated Sugar: Aside from fruit, you'll need to make sure that you have lots of sugar. Most recipes call for six cups or more, so I like to have a full two kilogram bag on hand at all times.<br />
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Lemon Juice: Most recipes call for a quarter cup of lemon juice. This is a really important step, if a recipe calls for it, do NOT skip it. Different fruits have different acid and pectin levels and lemon juice will up the acid levels to ensure a proper set. I always have a giant bottle in my fridge, although if you're really ambitious you can use freshly squeezed lemon.<br />
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Pectin: I use Certo Liquid Pectin, it's available at most grocery stores and the price is right. The box contains two packages and a recipe insert, and all of the recipes require one or both packages.<br />
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<b>Basic Method and Tips</b><br />
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This is my routine and it works beautifully for me every time.<br />
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Sterilize the Jars/Lids: I put a jar (standing upright) into the canning pot and fill it with water until the level is about an inch above the top of the jar. Then I take the lids off the jars and put all of the bottoms into the water to boil. 10 minutes at a boil is sufficient to sterilize the jars. The snap lids I put in a bowl of hot water, and I leave them there until I'm ready to put them on. This softens the glue to ensure a good seal.<br />
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Puree The Fruit: I use my Smooth Chopper to liquefy my fruit, and put the full amount into a big cooking pot on the counter. I try not to eat any of it... but I never succeed.<br />
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Add the Sugar and Lemon Juice: After adding the appropriate amounts of sugar and lemon juice, I use a silicon spatula to mix it all together until it's a nice goo of granulated fruit. For strawberry jam, I like to put big chunks of strawberries in as well, so I would do that at this step.<br />
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Cook at Medium Heat: I put the pot on the stove over medium heat, and then when it starts to soften and boil, I stir it frequently. No need to obsess over it; I'm actually typing this blog in my kitchen while cooking raspberry jam. With every recipe I've used, there's always a certain amount of time that you're supposed to boil your fruit. I have found this to be bullshit, and have never had a jam set when following the cook times. What I do, is I boil and stir until I can actually feel it start to thicken. All fruit has at least some pectin in it, so the fruit should start to thicken. Once I feel that little bit of resistance, I remove the pot from the heat.<br />
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Add Pectin: This is where I add the one or two packs of pectin and stir it in. I give it a very thorough mixing to make sure it's nice and dissolved, and also to make sure that the jam is thickening. If I'm extra paranoid I'll take a little spoonful and set it on the counter to see if it gels up as it cools. If it does, then we're good to go.<br />
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Pour Into Jars: I use a soup ladle to spoon the fruit into the jars. You want to leave a quarter inch of space between the top of the jam and the top of the jar, and be as precise as you can. If it's too close or too far from the top the jars won't seal properly.<br />
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I use an oven mitt to hold the jars and then rotate them while I wipe the lip with paper towel. Then I pull out a snap lid from the bowl of hot water, dry it and put it on. Once all of my jars are ready, I screw the rings onto the lid. Now you don't have to be the Hulk here and tighten them like crazy, that may damage your seal. Just tighten it enough to hold everything together, and then the jars go back into their boiling bath.<br />
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Water Bath: I process my jars for fifteen minutes, and then lift them out and set them on a cutting board to cool. Leave them at room temperature so that the jam can create its seal. Over the next while, the lids will snap down and you'll know that they were sealed properly. I usually leave them overnight and make sure all the lids are down in the morning. If you have any that still click when you push on them, put them in the fridge or give them to somebody to make sure the jam gets eaten before it goes bad.<br />
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<b>Other Stuff</b><br />
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I'm so creative with my subtitles. :)<br />
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I found a recipe for my very first jam making project for mango jam. I am an avid mango addict, so I was pretty excited. The recipe called for sugar and lemon juice, but stated that mangoes are high enough in pectin that no additional pectin was needed.<br />
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Hooray for bullshit! I don't know exactly why, but it didn't set. I emptied the jars, washed and re-sterilized them, reboiled the jam, refilled the jars, and it still didn't set. So I ended up with delicious mango goop that I still slather on toast and occasionally use as topping on ice cream. Still awesome, but not what I wanted.<br />
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A little while ago, I wanted to try mango jam again, but there was no recipe inside the pectin box so I decided to wing it and just use the pear recipe. I got mangoes that weren't terribly ripe and figured since they were about the same consistency as the pears I used for my previous jam it would turn out alright. And oh, it so did. So random tip #387: if you want mango jam, use the pear jam measurements from the Certo Liquid Pectin box.<br />
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One thing that seems to be a point of contention between jam makers is the reusing of the snap lids. I read somewhere, and now for the life if me I can't remember where, that you're not supposed to reuse them because once they're sealed once there's a good chance that they won't get a proper seal a second time. So I just buy the cheap little boxes of snap lids and use new ones with my old jars every time I make jam. It makes logical sense to use fresh snap lids with fresh glue, but use your own judgment on this because I know people that have been reusing their lids for years and never gotten sick from spoiled goods.<br />
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Anyway, so concludes Caitlin's Jammin' Tips. That sounds so eighties. :DAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05101264920457317836noreply@blogger.com2