Totally moved my blog.

Check out my bitchin bracelet. Yeeaaahhhh.

Exported Voracious Vividity over to:


So go there now! W00t!


Sloshing Through The Wetlands - Chapter 1

So, my wonderful and disgusting friend Sebastian introduced me to this:

This is the North American cover. The German one is an avocado, which is honestly more gross than an armpit once you know the context.

Actually, he just started randomly telling me about this German novel that actually made him cringe because there were so many parts that were hilariously gross. And because we are kindred spirits in the sense that we thing gross things are funny... well, my morbid curiosity was piqued. To my delight, I discovered that it had been translated into English and wandered down to Reflections to get a copy ordered. I'm willing to bet that the wonderful ladies down there wish that they didn't know that I wanted to read this. ^_^'

For those of you who know me, you know my sense of humour. It doesn't really know a lot of boundaries. Not much of my personality really knows a lot of boundaries, for that matter. I must give this book props, because there were parts that actually made me uncomfortable. That is a definite win. After reading, I wanted to share it with everyone, while simultaneously protect everyone from it, because ew.

Of course, sharing it won out. And I'd like to share it the best way I know how, by blogging it chapter by chapter. Because ew. :) And you're welcome.

So without further ado, I introduce you to Wetlands, by the very interesting Charlotte Roche. (P.S. Everywhere that talks about this book says that is is partially-autobiographical. Not sure how much of it is, but keep this in mind as we go. Or don't.)

Wetlands - Chapter 1
As far back as I can remember, I've had hemorrhoids.
This has got to be one of the greatest opening lines in a book ever. Talk about a hook! The book is written in the first person, and in a very blunt way. The main character, Helen, is very uninhibited and crass, and completely shameless about everything she says. I absolutely love this style of writing, because it feels like a real person is talking to you.
[...] I would scratch at my butthole in my sleep so much that I'd wake up in the morning with a brown stain in my underwear the size of the top of a cork. That's how much it itched, and that's how deep I'd stick my finger in. So yes, I'd say it's very unladylike.
She spends the first two pages describing her hemorrhoids and how she'd ignored them for many years for fear of someone finding out. She talks about what treatments she's had, and what salve she had to stop the itching. I'm not even joking.

Then we get a lovely description of how some of the hemorrhoids have worked their way out to surround her asshole. Her doctor calls it cauliflower.

Like this, but on an asshole.
If you're feeling like your morbid curiosity isn't satisfied here, just google cauliflower ass. Go ahead, I'll wait. You'll be so glad that you did.

It's also a good way to test whether someone is serious about me. During one of the first few times I have sex with somebody new, I get us into my favourite position: doggy-style, me on all fours with my face down, him behind me with his tongue in my pussy and his nose in my ass. He's got to work his way in there, because the hole is covered with the vegetable. I call this position "stuff your face," and so far nobody has complained.
After cringing at the visual of this, I have to say there's actually a good theme in this passage. In general, it says that to be with someone, you have to love everything about them, the good and the bad. That includes cauliflower ass.

Helen goes on to talk about how she loves anal, so she's had to train herself to relax so as to loosen up the affected area for sex. Then we get into the shaving. She shaves her pussy, legs, armpits, and the top of her feet, and also plucks her upper lip.
Back to shaving my ass.
Roche does a lot of this in the narrative, which makes me laugh my ass of every time. "Back to-", and it's always something very blunt. It's not the best grammar, but in a story told by an eighteen year old (yes, Helen is only eighteen) girl, it's believable and hilarious.

Helen goes on to describe how she positions herself in the mirror to study her asshole every day, and also uses this technique to shave it. She talks about how she's conflicted about shaving, because she used to be totally fine just being hairy all the time. For the people that have ranted and raved about how this is an extremely feminist book, this is one of those instances where I'll agree. I personally shave certain parts of my body because I like the way it feels and looks. When I am too lazy to shave my legs, or it's winter and I want that extra layer of warmth, I don't. And I don't particularly care what other people view it as. It's my body, and if I want smooth legs I'll fucking shave them. I like how Helen can say that she was totally comfortable with her body hair. Now she shaves everything because she's addicted to it.
[...] I always rush it and end up pressing too hard. Which is exactly how I caused the anal lesion that's the reason I'm lying here in the hospital now. Blame it all on lady-shaving. Feel like Venus. Be a goddess.
Also this bitch is so witty. It was at this point (by the way, we're only on page three) that I decided that I liked this character a lot. She's nasty, but she's comfortable with who she is, and she's funny as fuck.

So at this point we learn that the setting of the book is in a hospital room, where she's laid up because she has an anal lesion. She tells us that a lesion is a 'hairline rip of cut in the skin of your rosette'. And it got infected, because it's an open wound on an asshole, which means abscessed.

I feel like 'rosette' is not the best term for asshole.
On a side note, those cupcakes look delicious.

Also the hemorrhoids are pushing against it, ripping it further open and making it hurt a lot. She says it hurts even more than when she accidentally ripped out her nipple ring pulling off a sweater (OW), also that's why her nipple looks like a snake's tongue now (EW).
Back to my bum.
Tee hee! Anyway, she left school to go to the hospital and ended up in what she calls the "ass unit". She talks about how she's not allowed to move, and has to lay on the bed with her ass exposed towards the door so that everyone that comes in can see what's up.
And they talk about pus and an engorged blister that's hanging out of the wound on my butthole. I picture the blister like the skin on the neck of one of those tropical birds that puffs its throat out when trying to mate. A shimmering, inflated, red-blue sac.
I have to point out that the imagery here is written beautifully.

The proctologist, Dr. Notz, comes in and jams his finger up in Helen's ass to check it out. He asks her if she's had anything to eat, and she says no, which is good because then she can be knocked out for the surgery that needs to take place immediately. She asks him exactly what they're going to do, and he tells her they'll be cutting a wedge-shaped incision, and she wants him to draw a diagram.

The doc is weirded out by this (aren't we all?), but he draws a circle with a triangular wedge cut out. She doesn't feel any better informed, and makes an internal comment about his artistic talent, then asks if they'll be cutting out the cauliflower too. He tells her yes, and then:
He walks out, leaving me lying in the puddle of water from the blister.
Delicious. The anesthesiologist comes in, makes sure she's eighteen, and tells her how he'll be sitting by her head the entire operation to make sure she's breathing. She feels bad for him because his job is to squat the whole time.
He's brought a contract that I'm supposed to sign. It says the operation could result in incontinence. I ask how it could affect my pissing. He grins and says this refers to anal incontinence. Never heard of it. But suddenly I realize what this means: "You mean I might lose control of my sphincter muscles and then I could just crap myself anytime and anyplace and would need a diaper and stink all the time?"
The 'sandman', as she calls the anesthesiologist, tells her that that rarely happens, so she signs the contract. Helen prays to god that it won't happen, that she won't have to wear a diaper at age eighteen.
And you certainly don't look cool in them. 

I literally googled "looking cool in adult diapers" and got this.
She asks the sandman if it would be okay for her to see the piece that they cut out after the surgery is over.
"I don't like the idea that a part of me could end up in the trash along with aborted fetuses and appendixes without my being able to picture it. I want to hold it in my hand and examine it." 
Okay, I get checking shit out on your body. Everyone does it. Everyone picks at stuff on their skin, peeks into the toilet after taking a shit, looks at the q-tip after cleaning their ears, all of that crap. Anyone who says they don't is a liar. We, as humans, are obsessed with our own bodies, because these are our vessels and we can check them out as much as we want.

But holding the chunk of abscessed anal cauliflower that got removed from your ass? I've never been in that situation, but I really don't feel like I'd want to examine that too closely. I don't know for sure... but ew. Props to Helen for being brave enough to ask, though. The sandman seems totally fine with this, and preps a catheter for where they'll be pumping the anesthesia.

He leaves her, and while she's waiting for a nurse to come take her to surgery, she continues to pray to 'nonexistent God' to keep her from having anal incontinence. She says that if she gets out okay, she'll stop doing all of the things that give her a bad conscience.
Like the game I play with my friend Corinna where we run through the city drunk and grab people's eyeglasses, break them, and then chuck them into the street.
That's not very nice, Helen. She reflects that they had to run away quickly, because people were so pissed off that they could chase them pretty well even without their glasses. She goes on to say that the game is stupid anyway because they sober up from all of the adrenaline and it's just a big waste of money.

This is a turning point in the reader's view of Helen because it's the first time she confesses to doing something pretty horrible. Up until now, yes she does some weird things, but to herself. This is where we learn that her and her best friend get drunk and break other people's things. It's pretty shitty, and I felt like she was being really casual about it.
Actually, I'd like to give up that game anyway- sometimes at night I dream of the faces of the people whose glasses we've just plucked off. It's as if we've ripped off a body part. 
But then she examines it, addresses it, and reflects on how it affected the people they did it to. Which shows some growth and maturity. Which, you know, is good. Anyway, she decides to give that game up immediately, and tries to think of other things she can pledge to give up.
Maybe if it's absolutely necessary I'll give up the hookers. That would be a major sacrifice, though. 
There's no more explanation of this here, but you just wait for it. Helen decides instead that she's going to be the best patient the hospital has ever had.
I'll clean up my own messes. Like the fluid from my blister.
She peeks around the room to see that there are rubber gloves, and a container full of wipes, diapers, disposable underwear, toweling, and plastic bed covers with cloth on one side. She puts one cloth side down to soak up the mess, and one on top cloth side up so that she's comfortable.
Well done, Helen. Despite the hellish pain, you are your own best nurse. Anyone who can take care of herself so well with definitely recuperate quickly. I'll have to be a bit more hygienic here in the hospital than I am outside in my normal life.
Thus ends chapter 1, with a wonderful segue into chapter 2. I won't spoil the opening line of the next chapter, but I think you can guess where this is going.

Let's just say this entire dog is cleaner than Helen's vagina.

Wetlands Schedule

I'm going to try to do these once a week, between Tuesdays and Thursdays sometime because those are my days off. But, I may get excited and decide to do one before then, if I have time in the evenings over the weekend. So we'll see. In between I'll likely blog about other stuff that doesn't require so much reading and research, but I'm going to keep a loose leash on this one. At the very least, you'll have chapter two by next Thursday.

And I won't blame you if you have to go out and buy this book now. Morbid curiosity is a devilish thing. ;P

Gonna Eat Me A Lotta Peaches

I know I totally said that my regular blogging activities would resume on Tuesday, and that it is now Thursday. My bad. Better late than never, though, right? :) It's been a little crazy the last few weeks, working lots, moving, and getting ready for tomorrow's gig. Super exciting time! Our move was a very long two days but we made it through, and the new place is really coming together. Also we're just super gay and happy all the time because living together kicks ASS. :)

It's like a little nerd cave in here. We have wayyyyy too many books. Except there's no such thing as too many books. We had just enough shelving for them all, like almost exactly. And then the Bookery has this buy 3 get 1 free sale... and yeah, now we don't have enough room. Also it's not like we're never going to buy more, seriously we need stuff to read, yo!

So yeah, after we're properly settled, I have a bitchin' work shift now which will allow me a nice chunk of time each week to work on writing and blogging. Also yay, a functioning office! It's not together yet, and will totally also have exercise equipment in it, but yay, functioning office! I spent a lot of time laying in bed with my laptop and it is so bad for the body. :P

Also, gigging! For the first time in a long time, dad and I will be returning to the ears of innocent bystanders. This time, instead of plaguing the internet, we'll be plaguing downtown Elora from the patio at Wreckless Eric. Mike is calling us 'Get Wrecked', which is fucking awesome. Our first is tomorrow, and then we'll be playing every Friday there at 7:00. Which is going to be fun as hell. Simultaneously, absolutely terrifying. Whee!

Anyway I just thought I'd toss in a little life update for y'all before I jump into my new series of posts which I just know everyone is going to love. Or love to hate. ^_^'

Also I totes made peach jam yesterday and Imma eat some before I start. You may want to eat first, too. Not sure if you want to be ingesting anything during this next post.

It's great to be back! W00t!


Releasing The Beast

So my man and I went to see the Purge. As far as your run of the mill horror movies go, it was mostly predictable and shitty. I don't recommend watching it until it's on TMN or something, or however it is that you kids watch free movies nowadays.

That being said, the reason we went to see it is because the idea behind it is fascinating. The basics, for those of you who haven't seen the trailer, is that in America, once a year for twelve hours, nothing is illegal. So from 7pm to 7am once a year, you can kill, loot, burn, rape, whatever it is that you want to do, and there are no police or emergency services available to anyone. For the rest of the year, life goes on, and there is no crime and unemployment is at like 1%.

Spoilers ahead, although the movie is so fucking predictable that I don't think it would really ruin anything.

This is such an interesting plot that of course my interest was piqued. The movie disappointed, but it did spark my boyfriend and I talking about it for about two days straight. So kudos to whoever thought of the concept, but the movie was lacking in the sense that it was only about one family in a house and didn't address any bigger issues.

Also this bitch was in it and even though she was one of the 'good guys', I still hated her the entire time. Which made me realize she's a really amazing actress. Because I will hate her forever.
So the basic plot of the movie is that this family has a snazzy security system to barricade themselves in their house. They have a teenage daughter and a younger son, and he doesn't really understand or agree with the Purge. When a man outside is screaming for help, the little boy lets him inside, and then a pack of incredibly terrifying rich kids show up and demand the guy back, saying if they don't get what they want, they'll break in and kill the whole family too.

Seriously, this guy's face is fucking SCARY.
The family decides to find this guy that's hiding in their house and give him up to save themselves. See, he's middle class, so he's meant to be killed during the purge. The killers outside even refer to him as 'swine'. When they finally do catch him, they realize that it's not right to give him up, and decide to fight instead. There's a lot of slasher shit, the kids are annoying and retarded, some horribly predictable action, a not-too-believable betrayal by the neighbours, and then the Purge ends.

And that's the movie. I'm pretty sure by the end of it this family wanted to move to Canada.

The only really thought provoking scene in the movie is when the little boy asks his parents why they don't go out and kill people. They respond that they don't feel the need to. He doesn't understand why they can be well adjusted moral human beings without killing once a year, while other people do have to. This, to me, is the most fucked up part of the Purge. The people that participate seriously believe that it's their 'god-given right' to Purge their souls, that they are entitled to it. But the mere fact that some people don't need to do it to be normal (aka not serial killers), means that the people that are 'purging' are still fucking psychopaths.

The whole idea that humans have this beast inside them that needs to kill in order for them to be functioning members of society? I don't buy it. People that have a 'beast' that makes them want to torture and kill? They're not good people. And in the universe of this movie, at any moment on the bus, at the grocery store, at the bar, you could be standing next to someone that has maimed people. That is, in my mind, so unacceptable I can't even fully wrap my head around it.

Now, the reason why the Purge exists is never actually addressed. Some of the characters talk about how it Purges their soul, so it's almost seen as a religious thing, but I doubt that the church was what started it. My theory is that the American government wanted some population control, and what easier way to deal with it than to let people kill each other? The reason why there is no unemployment is because the unemployed get killed during the Purge. Only the rich can properly protect themselves with their fancy security systems. Thus all of the homeless people hiding in dumpsters get killed by the crazies out for blood.

Or at least most of them. And then what about us run-of-the-mill middle class people? If there were a Purge in Canada right now, I'd be fucked. We'd have to barricade the windows and doors with two by fours or something. Even then someone could still burn it down. I think the best way to do it would be to get the hell out of the country for a few days and hope that my house was still there when I got back. Or just head up north to the wilderness and keep moving until the twelve hours was up.

It's a chilling thought. I live in a small town, and my boyfriend and I were sitting there calculating how many people we think would actually participate in something like that. It's hard to tell what people's deep rooted fantasies and needs are, and most people probably wouldn't even know it was there until law was completely lifted. People can get crazy in crazy situations.

The other thing that wasn't addressed was everything other than murder. What about the people that don't want to kill, they just want to have some fun vandalizing or stealing stuff? What about all of the businesses? Would they have the money to barricade up their stores, or put all of their products in storage? Insurance must be super expensive and hard to get in this universe, or maybe insurance doesn't cover anything within the twelve hours of the purge. I seriously would not want to be a store owner in this movie.

But that's another question entirely. If middle class people and lower keep getting killed, gas stations blown up, grocery stores looted or burned to the ground, who the hell takes care of the rich people for the rest of the year? I mean obviously not everyone in the country is going to get killed, but how many places do you think are closed the next day due to it's owners dying or the buildings getting fucked up? "Ah, another purge done, let's go grab a Frappucino!" Whoops, Starbucks is closed because all of the people that worked there got killed last night. And none of these rich people would be caught dead working there, and there are no teenagers around trying to save up money for university, so no more Starbucks.

Honestly that wouldn't be such a bad thing. I make a way better frappe then them anyway. But you see my point.

My boyfriend brought up a good point about the jail system, too. If there's no law, do the doors open and all of the criminals get to go free? Or, during the first purge, did all of the wardens walk around killing every single inmate? Are there even jails anymore? If everyone waits until the purge to commit crimes, would there even be anyone in jail anyway? I guess you'd still have people that want to break the law during the rest of the year, but I doubt that we would have a ton of people occupying jail cells in that universe. And every year, they'd either get to run amuck or get killed by other inmates or the wardens, so they'd likely be fairly empty.

So in conclusion... I guess I don't really have a conclusion. I just wanted to talk about some of the things that I thought about during and after watching this movie. If you have any, I'd love to discuss them, it's such a fascinating idea. And scary, because things like this sometimes almost seem plausible to happen. Horrible things happen every day all around the world, and I try not to put things like this past people.

I am seriously stoked for people to start writing fanfiction about this! Go!


Jealousy Is Not A Fish You Should Catch

Hi. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a counselor. I'm not an expert. What I am, is a human female with opinions. And I so much love to share them. Remember this as you read today, because while I totally know what I'm talking about, all of this is based on my experiences, and may not directly apply to yours. However, it's definitely food for thought.

For some reason in the last little while, I've had people talking to me a lot about jealousy. Either they themselves are very jealous, or their spouses are. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I know this is because I am finally with someone that is not a jealous jerkface, and it's like a breath of fresh trusting relationship. Noms! I often find myself giving people advice on how to deal with jealousy, because I've spent much of my life in relationships without trust, and learned time and time again that it doesn't work.

So, here are my thoughts, whether you want them or not! Muahahaha!

Green With Envy

In reality, jealousy is kind of normal. Humans are, at the core, selfish creatures. We view the world from our own heads, which means that our personal universes very literally revolve around ourselves. We have to take care of ourselves to live, and most of us want to live well, so we do things to make us happy so that we have a fulfilling life on this planet. Some people seem to have more fulfilling lives from the eyes of others, and it's a natural human condition to envy this... to a point.

For example, I'm walking my dog, and I see a guy with a Snickers bar. My immediate reaction is to really want a Snickers bar. And while I may innately be plotting how to knock the guy out and steal it, the rational thing to do is to go to the store and buy myself some chocolate.

Fuck, now I really want a Snickers. Sweet gooey heaven........
A very basic example, and some of you may not have the same chocolate rage as I do, but it can be applied to most situations. Say, you're at the bar with your guy, and he sees a female friend of his and they hug when they say hello. Knee jerk reaction may be 'get your paws off my man', but rationally, you smile and say hello, because they're both human adults and your guy is allowed to have friends. Also maybe you could give her a hug too. And... you know what, that'll just take me off on a tangent that I'm not sure everyone really wants to read. Moving on.

In any case, people that you would perceive as non-jealous totally have thoughts inside their heads, they just know how to be rational about it. And they want to be happy and secure, which can take work. And also leads me to my next point.

Not Trusting your Partner is a Sign of Personal Insecurity

Chick magazines and advice columns will often tell you that if your partner accuses you of cheating all the time, it means that they themselves are cheating. While that may be the case sometimes, most of the time it just means that they're insecure about themselves.

I've learned over the course of my relationships that it's impossible to love or be loved by anyone properly if you don't love yourself. One of the main reasons for this is that if you don't feel like you deserve it, or you don't feel worth it, then you project those feelings on to your partner.

This is where these accusations can stem from. If your partner subconsciously doesn't feel like he or she deserves your love and devotion, they become jealous because they feel that you'll be giving it to somebody else.

That sounds like a personal problem!
Seriously though, it is a personal problem. And it's one that you need to address with your partner, if you're invested enough in the relationship to help them work through it. There's nothing that you can do or say to 'show' them that you're being faithful if they suspect it, because you are secure in the fact that you are being faithful. You know that you're not doing anything wrong, and you shouldn't have to prove it to them because they should trust you.

I'm not saying that you're completely absolved of any work here, because you can help, but ultimately this is something that they need to fix in their own heads. And if you want to stick around and help, you need to communicate to them that the mistrust is a problem. Tell them how it makes you feel, and then encourage them to talk to you about how they feel. And try to work out the reasons why they feel that way. Both of you need to be calm and rational and examine all angles.


I think the most common reason I've heard to defend jealousy in a relationship is 'I've been cheated on before'. I know it's awful. It sucks to have your trust betrayed, to feel stupid because you didn't see any signs, to feel used and hurt because you feel you weren't good enough.

But things like that breed insecurity. And you have to snap back from it. It wasn't your fault, and in no way should you be blaming yourself because someone else didn't know how to be in a relationship with you. They have their own deep seated issues to deal with, and there are a number of reasons in their heads that they did what they did, but in no way should you stew over why you weren't good enough. It was their loss, plain and simple, and eventually, you need to get over it.

Carrying this kind of mistrust into a new relationship is unhealthy and unfair to your new partner. They haven't done anything wrong, and you can't take the sins of other people and project them into new relationships. This requires being strong, realizing that you are worth loving, and that the person that hurt you in the past wasn't.

I've heard many reasons to defend why it's okay to be jealous, and one that I just don't understand and infuriates me is 'I'm just a jealous person'.

This is what my face looks like when people say this to me.
Image: www.edito.tn
No, you're an irrational person. And you're an asshole. At least when people come up with excuses or reasons, they know deep down that their actions are wrong, and they can try to fix it. People that just shrug and don't seem to care that their jealousy is hurting people... they are probably best helped with a rocket launcher. To the face.

Distrust Without a Cause is Emotional Abuse

It may seem like I'm getting a little heated here, and don't be alarmed, but I am. I know firsthand that unnecessary mistrust can seriously hurt a person. If you're constantly accusing your partner of being unfaithful with no cause and for no reason, that is emotional abuse. You're hurting yourself because you can't relax and be in a loving happy relationship, and you're hurting them because you're not allowing them to do the same. And they're just going to feel like they're not good enough and that they have to somehow show you that they're true to you.

You know what the only way to show that is? To just be faithful. And if you are, and your partner doesn't believe you, and is possessive and jealous, and won't listen to reason... rocket launcher. ^_^'

Here I am being a hypocrite and getting irrational. But seriously, in all calmness, being in a relationship with someone that treats you like this is unhealthy. You'll start to doubt yourself and feel like shit because you can't convince your partner that you're being faithful. It should be innocent unless proven guilty (notice how I used unless, not until), not the other way around.

Also, the whole 'it's not you I don't trust, it's everyone else' bit? Complete bullshit. If they trusted you, they would trust you to decline advances from 'everyone else', and it would be a non-issue.

Nobody is an Object to be Possessed

Another shitty side effect of jealousy is possessiveness. Not only is someone accusing you of infidelity, but they also want to show everyone that you belong to them. While some people think that possessiveness means love, no, it doesn't. You are both human beings, and you are equal.

Let's take a little field trip down memory lane for a moment. There was this guy I used to date, and there were signs when we first got together that he might be a little bit of a jealous dude. The biggest red flag that I noticed was that he was only affectionate with me if I was around other guys. Now, I have a lot of male friends. And I am a super affectionate person. I get how this might be jarring to some people, but I am who I am, and you have to learn really fast that I'm not going to give up hugging my friends because you can't handle it.

Anyway, we would be hanging out with friends, and I'd turn my head to speak to a dude, and all of a sudden, my guy would be like wrapped around me. Or we'd be at the bar, standing next to each other, and a random dude would walk up to the bar to get a drink and all of a sudden I'd be wearing my boyfriend like a coat.

Yup, that facial expression about sums up how I felt.
Image: icanhas.cheezburger.com

Now, I'm not saying it's not okay to be affectionate in public, I'm totally cool with that. But using it to 'stake your claim' on me when anything with a penis is within a five foot radius? It feels like you're peeing on my peg to mark your territory. It also makes me feel like I'm not even a person to you, just a toy.

When I'm out with my current man, we socialize with our friends, with random people, whatever. We're affectionate, but because we want to show our affection. It has nothing to do with anyone around us, it's just like 'hey, you're fucking adorable, come here for a sec'. And if some girl happened to be into my man and flirted with him or whatever? I'm secure in the fact that he loves me and that he'll tell her no. Go ahead and try ladies, I know he's sexy and charming, but he's comin home with little ol' me!

*girly sigh*

Anyway, it's the first time I've been in a relationship with a guy that gives me that same respect back. I've dated a long string of dudes that assume every time I left the house I was heading to a gang bang. Actually one guy I dated literally used to say that when I was walking out the door to hang out with my friends. It was disgusting.

So From Both Sides...

My summarized advice is this. 

If you're the jealous one, try to examine exactly why. Then put yourself in your partner's shoes, and imagine how shitty you're making them feel. Then talk to them about it, without accusation, hash everything out, tell them your life story, whatever. You need to be able to admit to yourself that it's a personal issue and try to figure out what about yourself you need to work on to fix your security. By continuing down this path of jealousy, you will likely just push your partner away when they realize that they can't be in a relationship without trust.

If you're the one with a jealous partner, talk to them about how you're feeling. Ask them about why they think they feel the way they do, and help them figure out what the reasons are. Examine it with them and try to help them see that they're hurting you by treating you this way, and that it's not acceptable. If you don't stand up for yourself, they will continue to emotionally abuse you until you go insane.

Of course, there's always the option of moving on and finding someone that will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. If that's what you need to do, then do so! Just make sure to tell the person you're moving on from exactly why. Maybe it'll make them examine themselves and stop treating people like crap.

So, anyways, I guess the moral of the story is that without trust you can't have a happy and healthy relationship. Or so my personal experience goes, anyway. I know people that have been married for decades that are still together after cheating kerfuffles in their early years that are totally happy now. They have their little insecurities here and there, but it's not the end of the world. I can't really tell anyone how to live their life, but for the people that are suffering from being smothered with unnecessary jealousy, I hope this helped you.

Also this:
I don't know guys, I just really wanted to use this picture.
Image: huggywuggies.blogspot.com


A Dyslexic Man Walks Into A Bra

As a writer, or creator of anything, sometimes you just get stuck, or you don't know how to start. I had to rewrite that sentence eight times before I got it right, so there's a good example. It's not easy to make stuff up, even if you have an overactive imagination and a million ideas, sometimes nothing wants to come out of your head. Or at least, not in the way that you want it to.

I've dealt with this a lot in my life. When I was about seven years old, I was convinced that I would be a bestselling author by fifteen. When I hit fifteen, I thought eighteen. Eighteen came, and I thought twenty, twenty would be the year. Now I'm twenty six, and still not there. Thus, I have had some pretty epic bouts of writer's block. And will have more in the future. Some people would call it procrastination, and sometimes they may be right. But creative endeavours can't be forced, otherwise they come out sounding forced.

I've learned a few ways to help this problem, that work for me. These would work for any kind of creative outlet, like music or art. Well they work for me, anyway, so if you've got blockage and you're stuck give them a try. Four out of five doctors don't know me so they can't recommend shit.

(Speaking of shit, I spent about twenty minutes before this blog post reading synonymous phrases for pooping... you have been warned.)

Pinching a Brain-Loaf Tip #1: Make Time

"I don't have enough TIME!" It's one of the oldest excuses in the book (), I know, because I'm guilty of it too. Sometimes life gets really busy, and you feel like you never have any time to sit down and write. But there is always some time. Even if you can only squeeze in fifteen minutes a day, and even if you spend it staring at a blank page, at least you're trying. A lot can be accomplished in fifteen minutes, whether you think it can or not.

Of course this can backfire, in case you get on a roll and lose track and write half a novel and miss the next 24 hours. But at least you accomplished what you sat down to do!

This tip is the most important, because it lets your brain know that at least once a day it's writing time. It gets your mind into a routine, and might start the flow on those creative juices more often because you're twisting the nozzle a little each time. There are so many things wrong with that metaphor, I can't even begin to list them.

Birthing a Chocolate Brain Dragon Tip #2: Read Awesome Books

This is usually the one that gets my fingers itching for the keyboard. Everyone gets inspired by something, and I find that my writing brain explodes when I read certain books. My #1 go-to is The Gunslinger by Stephen King, although that's a dangerous one because then I end up having to read all seven Dark Tower books before I even have a chance to write. Because Dark Tower.

If you don't want to get sucked into a series or too long of a novel and just need a little dose of story goodness, try a short story compilation or articles on writing. I love reading author blogs, because they are usually blogging about how excited they are about their writing, and it gets me excited too.

If I'm going for a certain genre, I find reading really good books in that genre will get my blood pumping faster with creative bugs. I started my sci-fi epic because I was deep in Revelation Space by Alastair Reynolds. Not only did the story blow my mind, but it was so beautifully written that I just wanted to know what it was like to be immersed in my own heavy science fiction writing action.

The flip side to this is to read a really shitty book. If it sucks the big one, it may make you angry enough that it exists that you'll be inspired to write something better. I've seen this happen firsthand, with The Boss. I hate 50 Shades of Grey, but if it didn't exist, I would have never found Jenny Trout and her amazing serial novel.

Dropping the Brain Kids off at the Pool Tip #3: Bounce Ideas Off People

I just pictured writing an idea on paper, crumpling it into a ball, and physically bouncing it off of someone, and I laughed.

Anyway, getting together with a friend, spouse, cousin, or even a total stranger, and talking about your ideas can often help. Or even if you don't tell them that you're stuck, you just kind of steer conversation onto something similar to what you're writing, something might click in your head when something is said. Tee hee, accidental rhyming.

What I like to do sometimes is play the if game. I'll just randomly ask one of my friends "Hey, if you were in [situation] and [stuff] happened, what would you do?". And see where they roll with it. If you don't have cool enough friends for that, throw it up on Twitter or Facebook or a forum somewhere. Or in my comments. I love questions like that. :)

Speaking of forums, the internet is a great place to find like-minded people that have had the same blockage problems as you. These are great people to bounce ideas with because they have ideas they want bounced too. It's an idea-bounce-a-palooza! I suck at inventing words.

I've thought of a more intense variation of the idea bouncing tip, but it's one I've never tried. If anyone has, let me know how it works out, because I feel like it would really work if you had people that would be willing to help you out. If you're stuck in the middle of a story, get some people (actors?) together and roleplay it. Of course for certain stories you may have to really play pretend, but I feel like if you had serious people that could put themselves in the moment, magic could happen here. If they really get in character and kind of take the scene away... could you imagine? That would be sweet! Improv, anyone?

Releasing the Brain Trout Tip #4: Pay Attention

Depending on what you're writing, everyday life could blurt something out right in your face that you can use. For example, if you're writing a story that centres around a character that works in a restaurant, go to a restaurant and drink in the surroundings. You never know what you might see, or what might jog something in your mind.

Even if the main location in your book isn't attainable in real life, just watching people interact in public may help you get to know your characters better. I often see my characters in other people. That's actually how I got my book cover for Silent Pictures, by seeing a temp at work that looked exactly like the Sandy-Haired Man. It was a totally awkward introduction on my part, but I had to talk to the guy because it was just awesome that I was looking at the living incarnate of one of my characters.

So next time you're hanging out in a coffee shop or trolling the mall, watch people and their interactions, and you might see something that you can use.

Pissing out your Brain-Ass Tip #5: Ask For Help

That one was really gross, LOL!

This tip is similar to #3, except you literally ask someone to help you out. You lay out what you're stuck on, and they help you brainstorm. Now, you need to make sure that they're totally okay giving you ideas, fully knowing that you might use them. If they're like "I can't believe I thought of that, I'm going to do something with it!" don't steal it, because it's not yours. I feel like I shouldn't have to say 'don't be a dick', but at this point random people are reading my blog that I don't know, and they may be dicks. I don't want to be responsible for that, so disclaimer: don't be an asshole!

Anyway, if you know somebody that is totally cool handing out ideas and helping you brainstorm, ask them for help! My boyfriend used his amazingly creative and witty brain to channel my current main character and come up with a name for her, because I couldn't for the life of me think of one. It was awesome. It's hard to come up with things sometimes, and if you're really stuck, just sitting back and asking someone else to take a look at it can make all the difference. They can give you a fresh perspective.

Fighting Brain Splashback Tip #7: Write Something Else

I know that there's always that main story idea that is your baby and you just want so badly for it to come into existence, but sometimes is just hasn't percolated enough to be poured. I think I should get my guy to come up with my metaphors, too. *facepalm*

Anyway, if you're having trouble writing your main event, try writing something totally different. At least you're still writing, right? (Write? Har har, I know I'm a terrible person.) In the spirit of Tip #1, you're training your brain to be in writing mode, even if you're writing something else. At least you're creating something, whether it's useful or not.

Questioning usefulness is a great segue towards mentioning my blog. I may not always post things that are technically useful (see: my post about cocks), but at least I'm writing. It's good exercise for your brain, and it also dumps out some ideas or information that may be taking up the space that should be designated to your bestselling novel. There is absolutely no scientific study to back up that claim, but it's a fun theory, no?

Sometimes I like to take a character out of a story and write a little short story or scene placing them in a totally different situation, or a part of their past. This is extra helpful because you might learn something new about that character that can be relevant to your main story. And it helps you get further into that character's head, learn their reactions, and be able to write them more efficiently.

So whether it's starting a blog, writing a short story, poem, or an article about genitals, writing is writing, and at least you're being (somewhat) productive.

Soaking a Brain Cigar Tip #7: Do Something Else

If you've tried all of these things and somehow are still maniacally staring at a blank page, get the fuck up and do something completely different. Sometimes you just need to unplug and relax. Try doing something that you've never done before, like this one time I had writer's block so bad that I went for a jog. It didn't really fix my writer's block, but I learned that I hate jogging. But it dislodged the idea that if I write outside, I can smoke at the same time, thus eliminating smoke breaks, so yay!

In any case, taking a break from furiously willing words to appear on your screen (or paper, some people actually still use paper) might recharge your batteries enough to give your ideas a fresh start.

In Conclusion...

I hope these ideas help. Or at least, if they don't, that you were entertained by them. I know I was. In case you didn't know, I love shit synonyms.


I Just Remembered I Have A Date Square In My Purse

Seriously, you guys, I am so excited.

Shut up, I've been up since 4:30 in the morning. ^_^' Which is probably why I decided to share some thoughts on something likely controversial. Actually, there's no 'likely' about it, it's going to be damned controversial.

I've been reading the Bible. Go ahead and take a moment to process that, I'm going to go have a smoke.

Okay, I'm back.

So, I went to Catholic schools my whole life. My family isn't overly religious, though my grandparents were, thus I'm baptized and communed and confirmed and all of that jazz. I spent up to grade seven taking religious teachings as fact, just another subject in school like history class. When I hit grade seven, I started asking questions, many of which my teachers had no answers to. And I started getting very literal with a lot of the stories in the big ol' book, realizing that there were a lot of loopholes and things that didn't make sense. I was told by my teachers that I just needed to have faith.

Those of you who know me very well know that I have issues with that, to say the least. My parents taught me from birth to have an open mind and explore all possible angles of things, and so they were pretty stoked that I was asking so many questions and trying to figure this whole religion thing out. When I discovered that there were a bunch of them all over the world, it blew my fucking mind. 12 year old me was totally baffled by the fact that the Bible wasn't a textbook.

Now, at 26, I absolutely love critiquing things and tearing them to shreds. I wanted to start doing it here, where there could be discussion and debates and all of those fun things. One drunken night on the porch there was conversation about the Bible, and how I hadn't read it since grade school. My boyfriend joked about how the whole thing was people 'begetting' people and we had a good laugh about how I should do posts about the different books in the Bible.

Of course, drunken 'har har har I should TOTALLY do that' turned into 'Hmmm.... I could totally do that'. Emerald, the sinister supporter of all of my ridiculous ideas, has agreed to do it with me, switching off as we go through. So for reals guys, I'm gonna be reading the Bible.

Now, with me not being attributed to any religion, I'm going to try to be as completely subjective as possible to this subject. That being said, I will likely have 'what the fuck?!' moments because there are a lot of things in there, like in any book, that don't make a lot of sense to me. That's where you, my lovely audience, comes in. I want your thoughts, every step of the way. And to any of you that are Catholic, or have a good grasp on Catholicism and the Bible, please feel free to step in and add your two cents at any time. Religion interests the shit out of me, and I love learning new things about anything, especially from people's experiences and opinions. So if you feel like I'm taking something wrong, or have answers to the myriad of questions I'm likely going to ask, please step in and take the stage!

So, yeah. I can't set a specific timeframe for frequency of posts, due to work, writing my bitchin' sci-fi epic, and beta-ing, but it's going to be a thing every now and again.

In that case, I'mma finish my date square and make some delicious soup for my poor sick man who is all curled up in bed enjoying World War Z. Because Reflections is awesome, and you should go there.

Until next time!