What I Would Have Loved to See in The Hunger Games Trilogy

WARNING: If you haven't read the Hunger Games Trilogy and don't want any spoilers for the story, please don't read this post.

I fucking LOVE the HG books. Just thought I'd throw that out there, because I don't want anyone to think that I would ever bash them. It's such a good premise, and it's executed beautifully. The movie was an amazing tribute, one of the best movie adaptations of a book I've ever seen. (Only other good one: Lord of the Rings, and whee, let the haters hate me.)

That being said, there are a few things that I was really stoked to see happen in the story, and they never happened. I wouldn't change anything outright, just could have used a little more.

Katniss Should Get Laid

I know, these books are for young adults. But honestly, the whole concept of the Hunger Games is so fucking violent that I really don't think allowing poor Katniss some nookie would have been that bad. I'm not talking erotica here, just allude to the fact that she gets some at least once.

For starters, the night before her and Peeta go into the arena for the first time. They're both pretty sure that they're going to die the next day, and even if one of them lives the other one HAS to die. So one or both of them are not going to make it. They know this because that's how the game works. I for one, especially as an sixteen year old girl, would have not wanted to die a virgin. Maybe that's just me.

And Gale! Seriously, her and Gale SO needed to bang when she got back. I know she was supposed to 'be' with Peeta for the public, but her and Gale snuck a kiss, how did they not bone? They were very obviously into each other, and she almost died. She comes back after them pretty much thinking that they were never going to see each other again, and they don't have reunion sex? Psh.

Oh, dear sweet Gale. *sigh*

More Politics

Okay, this is probably where you're going to think I'm crazy, but the whole world of Panem fascinates me. I wish I could just pluck a full history book from the HG universe and read it cover to cover. I know the story is written in Katniss' POV, and a sixteen year old girl fighting for her and her family's survival every day probably doesn't care much about history or politics. But I would have loved more glimpses into the rest of the world.

Peeta and Katniss visit a few of the districts, and the Capitol is explored, but there isn't a lot of insight into the other districts except for a few tidbits of information Katniss throws in. To some people learning every little thing (complete with maps) about each district would be boring as hell, but I'd soak it in like a sponge.

There are ways to make deep politics and history interesting in fiction, and although I am a writer myself I have no clue how to do it properly or correctly. Unfortunately every reader is different and enjoys different styles, so perhaps there is no right way. But a good example is the Saga Of Recluce by L.E. Modesitt, Jr. My dad and I have been reading those for years, and they are absolutely absorbing. The main storylines and characters in each book are wonderful, but they all come together to basically form a complete history of the entire world and where all of the countries came from. This is complete with political power struggles, trade statistics, and literally how the buildings and technology was built from nothing. And it's so fucking interesting I just can't put the books down. I would have loved such rich immersion in the HG series.

It would likely have been impossible for them to be young adult books if this were the case; not that teenagers don't read dense novels, I was reading the Saga of Recluce and the Dark Tower books when I was in high school. But a more linear simpler storyline that centers itself completely on the main character (especially because it's told from Katniss' head) is a lot more appealing to younger readers. I guess I kinda wish that these books had been written and geared towards an older audience.

Katniss and Peeta as Mentors

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Catching Fire. IMHO, it's the best out of the three. But I think the trilogy could have become a quadrilogy and had a book in between the first and second. I was really, really looking forward to seeing Katniss and Peeta having to be the mentors for the next Hunger Games. Haymitch could just stay home and get drunk, and Katniss and Peeta would have to deal with the tributes.

This would have been an emotional rollercoaster, and incredibly awesome to see. Haymitch alludes to the fact that it's horrible having to train these kids and watch them die year after year. Peeta and Katniss survived the Hunger Games together, the first ones ever to defy the Capitol, and now they have to deal with it from the other side. They have to do what they can to train the crap out of these kids, share their insights, get them sponsors, knowing that one or both of them are going to die. Probably both, considering President Snow is all about screwing the lesser districts out of hope. Throughout all of this Katniss and Peeta would also be learning about all of the twisted politics (there it is again!) in the Capitol that goes on between the mentors, not just the tributes. We'd get to meet the people behind the tributes.

And in an Alternate Universe...

I so wanted Haymitch to go with Katniss in Catching Fire. It would have been so awesome to see him in action, the two of them kicking ass together. I'm biased because I think Peeta is a pissant little wein that should have gotten skewered in the first book (haters gonna be hatin), but can you not agree that it would have been sick to have Haymitch out there?

I suppose this goes against what I said about not wanting to change anything, and I wouldn't change this, but I would absolutely read a fanfiction about it. Or if Suzanne Collins wants to write a 'what-if' book, I would read the shit out of it. Unlikely, but you know. A girl can dream.

P.S. Speaking of dreaming, check out the guy that got picked to play Finnick Odair:

Mm. He'll do. :)

The 5 Most Gargantuan Cocks in Hollywood (Allegedly)

Everyone gets curious about the size of other people's junk. Which is what prompts googling Hollywood's biggest shlongs over dinner. Because I do stuff like that.

Of course there are many different lists, but many of the same actors kept popping up. So I just picked five that I thought would be the most fun to talk about. Because girls love talking about dicks. Honestly, for the dudes reading this, all of your girlfriend's girlfriends know every detail about your wang.

Disco Stick #5: Ewan McGregor

This one may surprise some of you that are into chick flicks. For some reason sensitive dudes stereotypically have small wieners. Ewan McGregor has been a sweet and lovable romantic hero in many a girly adventure. He serenaded Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge, was Jim Carrey's love muffin in I Love You Philip Morris, and got to take Scarlett Johannson's virginity in The Island.

But honestly, there's a reason that I knew deep down that Ewan McGregor belonged on this list for a generous helping of tubesteak.

  

He's Obi-Wan Fucking Kenobi.

Third Leg #4: Bruce Willis

Ah, Bruce. You've got to love him even when he's the bad guy. Young John McClane with his one-liners in Die Hard, saving the universe (while banging Milla Jovovich) as Korben Dallas in The Fifth Element, and making us cry as Liv Tyler's crass but lovable father in Armageddon. He's an action legend, badass and sexy in his own unique way.

Bald just works on some dudes. Especially those we know are packin'.

Longfellow #3: Kiefer Sutherland

Chuck Norris wears Jack Bauer pyjamas. If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called '1'. Someone once told Jack Bauer a knock-knock joke. He found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught three bullets in his chest and used them to reload. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Sorry I honestly just spent an hour and a half reading these. Good GOD I have tears running down my face I've been laughing so hard. Seriously, though.

This man is going to kill you. With his enormous rod.

Schwartz #2: Liam Neeson

I honestly didn't really know Liam Neeson until I saw Taken. And then, all of a sudden, I was on the edge of my seat rooting for this extremely sexy DILF battling his way across the world to save his daughter. Just, wow.

Okay, he was Qui-Gon, which was awesome, but of course with Jar-Jar making my ears bleed it was difficult to pay attention. *Important Note: I will admit that Jar-Jar is one of the absolute cutest aliens in the existence of CG aliens. He just needed to not talk. Ever.

Liam was also pretty badass as the villain in Batman Begins, but I honestly didn't even remember that until I re watched the movie a few weeks ago.

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you." /moment that every woman on the planet suddenly wanted to fuck the shit out of Liam Neeson.

Heat Seeking Moisture-Missile #1: Patrick Stewart

Now. We have covered the fact that I am a huge nerd. That would not be complete without an inexplicable love for Patrick Stewart. Okay, it's totally explicable.

He's fucking Jean-Luc Picard. The best StarFleet Captain ever. There is no escaping this.

Also this:

Even if you're not a Trekkie (apparently it's TrekKER now, which I personally think sounds gay, thus I refuse to use it), you can't deny Professor X. Patrick Stewart is the most badass motherfucker in the valley. And apparently he has a ginormous ankle-spanker. Professor X may be in a wheelchair, but I bet as a telekinetic he can do all kinds of wonderful things with his drum stick.



...

There are so many synonyms for penis on the internet. Honorable mention: Purple headed yogurt flinger. Ew.

5 Reasons Why World of Warcraft is so Deliciously Addictive

Warning: This is a nerd post.

With the new WoW expansion, Mists of Pandaria, I thought this would be a fitting topic. Also I just really like to talk gaming. Growing up as an only child, I played mostly one player games, and of course got very into RPG's. My dad and I played a LOT of Gran Turismo together too, but the majority of my gaming was old school first-person shooters like Duke Nukem and Doom, or any RPG ever made. Ever. :)

All of these games had one thing in common, however. They had an ending. So even if I did all of the side quests and all of the mini games, because I'm a crazy person and HAD to have 100% game completion, it still would end eventually and I could get on with real life.

Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPG), however, have no ending. So I knew better than to ever pick one up, because I knew with my anal tendencies I would, in turn, have no life. (On a side note, Anal Tendencies would be a sick band name.)

Of course, it was only a matter of time before I was really curious to see what all the hubbub was about with this whole World Of Warcraft thing. So I got a free trial, and spend seven days eating, sleeping, and breathing WoW. I knew better than to buy the game, so I called it a day, gave props to Blizzard for creating such an awesome game, and moved on.

A year later, I met an extremely awesome nerdy chick (you know who you are!) that was an avid WoW player. We were talking RPG's, and I thought maybe I'd do another free trial just to play with her for a bit... and I lasted one night before I'd bought the game. Go willpower! Anyway, the point of this story is, yes, MMORPG's are addictive as hell, but everything is okay in moderation. Except for chocolate. Chocolate is always okay.

Reason #5: Factions and Races

The point of an MMO is that there are bajillions of people playing it at once. They're all split up over different servers to keep this at bay (called Realms in-game), but it's rare to have a playing experience where you don't run into other real people playing.

When you start, you can pick a race. There are thirteen in all, six for the Alliance Faction (the 'good' guys) and six for the Horde Faction (the 'bad' guys), and the almighty Pandas that choose at level 10 which faction they want to join. The mere fact that there are two main factions to the game creates a kickass competitive edge that really keeps the game interesting.

The races themselves are diverse, and hilariously voice acted. The Humans sounds like apple-pie bible salesmen, the Dwarves are Scottish drunks, and the Gnomes sound like they're either from New Jersey or Jewish. The Goblins sound like Gilbert Gottfried,  the Draenei (horned aliens with hooves for feet) are Russian, the Trolls are Jamaican, and the Pandaren (seriously, pandas) sound like Chiun from Remo Williams. This makes for some seriously entertaining gameplay. Throw in some fun names for the NPC's like Alicia Kuthbert, Audrey Burnhep and Maggyver, and I'm giggling like an idiot while I'm shooting things.

Each and every one of these races has their own unique starting area and history, and I am a sucker for immersive storyline (see also: Final Fantasy 7). My badass Night Elf Hunter has a long tough history of battling the Horde with her pet raptor by her side. See, if I could have a zombie-killing pet raptor in real life, I wouldn't need video games.

Reason #4: Questing

For playing with friends or playing alone, there are quests to be had. Some may argue that some quests are repetitive, but there are subtle differences that keep them fresh. And honestly, I don't think it would be possible to have every single quest in that game be completely different. There are too many.

I love questing. I don't do raids, I did a dungeon once, but I don't get the same satisfaction as just going through a questline. And if I find that I'm staying in one place too long because there are too many quests, I just move on to either a different area of the same level or a slightly higher level area that I know I can still conquer with my mad skills.

Some of the quests are ridiculously awesome. You get your run of the mill 'kill twenty rabid cheetah' quests, or 'collect all the explosives we accidentally left all over the forest' quests, but sometimes I'll get a 'get in the hot air balloon and drop bombs on pirates' quests. Whee!

Reason #3: The World Itself

Most people watch movies, read books, or play video games for the escape of mundane day to day life. It lets you explore a different world from the comfort of your own home. WoW is quite a vast world to explore. I have spent a lot of time just truckin around on my flying carpet just to see what's around.

The different countries and provinces are so diverse it's amazing they can keep coming up with these environments. The Pandaren starting island is (SPOILER) on the back of a fucking turtle, bringing one of my favourite creation myths to (virtual) life. All of the Night Elf areas have crazy amazing (craymazing?) trees with houses built in and around them. And some of the towns are just so detailed, with so many structures and rooms and people to get stuff from... I know I'm a total geek but it's fun to explore.

Reason #2: The Auction House

So there's this subculture of WoW players that only play the game to buy and sell stuff on the Auction House. They get made fun of by other WoW players... which is actually kinda sad.

When I play any kind of game, one of my biggest priorities is making as much in-game currency as I can. It's handy for your characters to be rich for obvious reasons, but in WoW specifically it's a huge perk because you can level up professions faster and get really cool mounts and pets.

Basically at the end of any of my game sessions, I mail any materials to my AH Bitch, which is a level 5 Gnome that just stands in front of the AH in Ironforge all the time. Forever. I know, I'm a slave driver. So then I log in as her, check out what the materials are selling for, and if they're really expensive I'll sell mine for just a little less. If they're going for cheap I'll buy out every single one and then resell everything for super expensive, therefore screwing everyone else looking for those materials. Yes, I am an asshole, but this is how I make my gold. And it feels gooooood.

Reason #1: Professions

Okay, so if you're still reading, this is really where I'm going to lose cool points. Professions are what honestly keep me playing this game. In First Aid you make bandages out of cloth you can find around the world, Cooking you cook dishes that give you health and/or mana, Fishing you fish (seriously!), and Archaeology you go around digging for artifacts.

I have a cooking addiction. My main character is a hunter, which means she has a pet to help her fight, and she uses a bow and arrow. It's rare that I ever even need to use healing items, so there's honestly no point in me cooking anything, but you know. One hundred percent game completion, I'm crazy, okay, get over it. I've also learned that there aren't that many fish on the AH, or at least never the ones that I need at any given time, so I've had to fish.

Yes, folks, sometimes I lay in bed and cast a virtual fishing rod into virtual water to catch virtual fish. I read somewhere that it takes over 4000 casts to max out the fishing profession. Sad, sad times. Don't get me wrong, I love fishing outdoors with real gear, it's one of my favourite summer pastimes, but unfortunately I can't transfer my brown trout into WoW in order to make food out of it. So, yeah, that's a thing.

There are many other secondary professions, of which you can only pick two for your character to have. You can switch them out at any time, but if you do that you have to start back from 1, which sucks. There are gathering professions, Mining, Herbalism, and Skinning, in which you collect either ore and jewels, herbs, or animal skin. I like these the best because those materials all sell very well on the AH. The crafting professions utilize these materials to create armor, weapons, bags, clothing, or enchantments for items, spells, and skills. My favourite crafting profession is Tailoring, because although it's annoying to spend gold buying cloth or spend time farming it, you can make some really awesome shit. My first flying mount was a homemade flying carpet. Best way to travel, friends.


Anyway, I'm off to play with my Panda.

... that's what she said. ;)

Jammin'

When I was younger, I thought that making jam was something that only farmers did. I don't know why, maybe I thought people needed freshly grown fruit and crazy equipment, but it never crossed my mind that I could do it at home. In an apartment, no less. Now I make jam all the time, but it's been a learning experience, to say the least. I thought I might share with you some of my methods and things I've learned, so that everyone knows the joys of having fresh jam on your toast. Or spoon. However you like to eat it. :)

What You Need

Mason Jars: Most recipes will yield 8 250mL jars. They generally come in boxes of twelve for around five bucks. I get mine at Canadian Tire unless they're on sale somewhere else, which happens most often in the fall.

Canning Pot: I got a giant water bath canning pot at Canadian Tire for about $25 when I first started out, and it came with a grate inside for lifting jars out. I never use the grate because the holes are too big for the 250mL jars, but it's definitely handy for larger jars.

Tongs: I didn't have a pair of jar tongs when I did my first batch, so I used my bacon tongs to get the jars in and out of the boiling water. It was very precarious and I am surprised I didn't burn myself. I bought a pair specifically for canning, they're curved and rubbered on the bottom to easily lift jars. Don't be a tard like me and definitely get yourself a pair before making jam.

Soup Ladle and Funnel: These are for getting the jam into the jars. While the funnel is not necessary, and I'll be honest I don't have one, if you don't want to make a big mess like I do it's recommended.

Silicon Spatula: My favourite tool for any kind of cooking or baking, the silicon spatula is a wonderful invention and I don't make jam without it.

Cooking Pot: I use my largest stove top pot for making jam, even if I don't think I'll end up with that much fruit. It's a pain in the ass to have to transfer to a larger pot, so I just always use the biggest one I have just in case.

Food Processor: This is optional, you can choose to chop or crush your own fruits. I personally use my Tupperware Smooth Chopper to puree or chop the fruit I'm about to make jam out of. I find it creates nice even jam, and I've had better luck with a good set when I completely liquefy my fruit. If I want chunks of fruit, then I add extra chunks to the pot as the rest of it is boiling.

Choosing Your Fruit

You want fruit that is not too ripe, but not under ripe. If it's too ripe or bruised, the fruit is lower in acid and pectin and won't set as well as it should. If the fruit is less ripe, there won't be enough juice and the jam won't taste as fruity as it should.

Always remember that the recipe amounts are for crushed fruit. Sometimes it's hard to tell how much you're going to need, but it's better to err on the side of having too much. For example, I bought six mangoes, thinking that the pits would be bigger than they were, and ended up with twenty cups of chopped mango for a recipe that only needed four and a half cups. Now I have three jars of mango salsa in my fridge, too. :)

I've used mango, peach, strawberry, blueberry, raspberry and pear to make jam at this point, and all turned out great. (Except for my very first batch of mango jam, but more on that later!)

Ingredients

White Granulated Sugar: Aside from fruit, you'll need to make sure that you have lots of sugar. Most recipes call for six cups or more, so I like to have a full two kilogram bag on hand at all times.

Lemon Juice: Most recipes call for a quarter cup of lemon juice. This is a really important step, if a recipe calls for it, do NOT skip it. Different fruits have different acid and pectin levels and lemon juice will up the acid levels to ensure a proper set. I always have a giant bottle in my fridge, although if you're really ambitious you can use freshly squeezed lemon.

Pectin: I use Certo Liquid Pectin, it's available at most grocery stores and the price is right. The box contains two packages and a recipe insert, and all of the recipes require one or both packages.

Basic Method and Tips

This is my routine and it works beautifully for me every time.

Sterilize the Jars/Lids: I put a jar (standing upright) into the canning pot and fill it with water until the level is about an inch above the top of the jar. Then I take the lids off the jars and put all of the bottoms into the water to boil. 10 minutes at a boil is sufficient to sterilize the jars. The snap lids I put in a bowl of hot water, and I leave them there until I'm ready to put them on. This softens the glue to ensure a good seal.

Puree The Fruit: I use my Smooth Chopper to liquefy my fruit, and put the full amount into a big cooking pot on the counter. I try not to eat any of it... but I never succeed.

Add the Sugar and Lemon Juice: After adding the appropriate amounts of sugar and lemon juice, I use a silicon spatula to mix it all together until it's a nice goo of granulated fruit. For strawberry jam, I like to put big chunks of strawberries in as well, so I would do that at this step.

Cook at Medium Heat: I put the pot on the stove over medium heat, and then when it starts to soften and boil, I stir it frequently. No need to obsess over it; I'm actually typing this blog in my kitchen while cooking raspberry jam. With every recipe I've used, there's always a certain amount of time that you're supposed to boil your fruit. I have found this to be bullshit, and have never had a jam set when following the cook times. What I do, is I boil and stir until I can actually feel it start to thicken. All fruit has at least some pectin in it, so the fruit should start to thicken. Once I feel that little bit of resistance, I remove the pot from the heat.

Add Pectin: This is where I add the one or two packs of pectin and stir it in. I give it a very thorough mixing to make sure it's nice and dissolved, and also to make sure that the jam is thickening. If I'm extra paranoid I'll take a little spoonful and set it on the counter to see if it gels up as it cools. If it does, then we're good to go.

Pour Into Jars: I use a soup ladle to spoon the fruit into the jars. You want to leave a quarter inch of space between the top of the jam and the top of the jar, and be as precise as you can. If it's too close or too far from the top the jars won't seal properly.

I use an oven mitt to hold the jars and then rotate them while I wipe the lip with paper towel. Then I pull out a snap lid from the bowl of hot water, dry it and put it on. Once all of my jars are ready, I screw the rings onto the lid. Now you don't have to be the Hulk here and tighten them like crazy, that may damage your seal. Just tighten it enough to hold everything together, and then the jars go back into their boiling bath.

Water Bath: I process my jars for fifteen minutes, and then lift them out and set them on a cutting board to cool. Leave them at room temperature so that the jam can create its seal. Over the next while, the lids will snap down and you'll know that they were sealed properly. I usually leave them overnight and make sure all the lids are down in the morning. If you have any that still click when you push on them, put them in the fridge or give them to somebody to make sure the jam gets eaten before it goes bad.

Other Stuff

I'm so creative with my subtitles. :)

I found a recipe for my very first jam making project for mango jam. I am an avid mango addict, so I was pretty excited. The recipe called for sugar and lemon juice, but stated that mangoes are high enough in pectin that no additional pectin was needed.

Hooray for bullshit! I don't know exactly why, but it didn't set. I emptied the jars, washed and re-sterilized them, reboiled the jam, refilled the jars, and it still didn't set. So I ended up with delicious mango goop that I still slather on toast and occasionally use as topping on ice cream. Still awesome, but not what I wanted.

A little while ago, I wanted to try mango jam again, but there was no recipe inside the pectin box so I decided to wing it and just use the pear recipe. I got mangoes that weren't terribly ripe and figured since they were about the same consistency as the pears I used for my previous jam it would turn out alright. And oh, it so did. So random tip #387: if you want mango jam, use the pear jam measurements from the Certo Liquid Pectin box.

One thing that seems to be a point of contention between jam makers is the reusing of the snap lids. I read somewhere, and now for the life if me I can't remember where, that you're not supposed to reuse them because once they're sealed once there's a good chance that they won't get a proper seal a second time. So I just buy the cheap little boxes of snap lids and use new ones with my old jars every time I make jam. It makes logical sense to use fresh snap lids with fresh glue, but use your own judgment on this because I know people that have been reusing their lids for years and never gotten sick from spoiled goods.

Anyway, so concludes Caitlin's Jammin' Tips. That sounds so eighties. :D