The Pursuit of Happiness

So I frequent this site, Topless Robot, because it's an awesome hub of nerdiness. My favourite part, however, was this section called Fan Fiction Friday, in which the amazing Rob Bricken would tear apart hilariously insane erotic fan fiction. Every Friday was a new adventure into the depraved minds of humanity and their weird fetishes and horrible grammar. Wonderful, wonderful joy.

Anyway, FFF is no longer around because Rob has moved over to io9, a news hub where he writes witty and entertaining articles. They tried to move FFF over there, but it was recieved terribly and unfortunately, cancelled. :( The old FFF archives are still available at Topless Robot, and I happened to be scrolling through while I was on the exercise bike at the gym. Because working out is boring as hell and I needed something to read.

I came across one of my very favourites, Garfield: Royal Rescue, in which Garfield saves Kate Middleton from the evil Prince William. Honestly. I ended up finding my way over to the author's page on fanfiction.net, ShakespeareHemmingway, and noticed he had twenty stories about Garfield's adventures. They made me die with laughter. So I've decided to share one of my favourites with you.

So, without further ado, a little tribute to TR, FFF, and Mr. Rob Bricken:

Garfield: First Blood Part II: The Legend of the Warrior of the Forever Fist

In Part One, Garfield saves Natalie Portman from a gang of vampires.

It was a bright morning full of rain and sun when Natalie Portman was doing her acting.
"These are my words and my motions are full of emotion." Said Natalie Portman with acting.
"Excellence! This is Oscar winning performance!" Said the director with compliments.
"Thank you I am four star actress." Said Natalie Portman with thanks.

IMHO, Natalie Portman is like a twenty star actress.

Then all of a sudden out of mist Ashton Kutcher appeared with sinister plans.
"Haha Natalie Portman you will star in me with movies and be forever mine! Then I will have immortality!" Cackled Ashton Kutcher with evil.

Does that work?

"No Ashton Kutcher I will not give in to your evil." Cried out Natalie Portman in defiance.
"Haha You have no say in this! You are my prisoner! Behold force field!" Said Ashton Kutcher as he summoned a force field prison to capture Natalie Portman.
"Now to my studio lair where we will star in movies together!" Declared Ashton Kutcher with evil as he left with imprisoned Natalie Portman.

Did anyone else think of Aqua Teen when he said 'behold'? Just me? Ok.

Meanwhile Garfield was riding alone on all American highway on his Custom Harley Davidson motorcycle rockin out to DIO turned up to maximum volume.
"Time to train the muscles." Said Garfield as he pulled into a gym for training.
Garfield went to the punching bag for punching practice. It was punching bag made of diamond and steel so it can take his super punches which are like force of nature.

YES.

"I am fist. Mighty with speed." Garfield said as he punched the punching bag.
As Garfield practiced his punches news reports came on the TV.
"This just in. Ashton Kutcher has tweeted he has kidnapped Natalie Portman for evil movies. If only a hero was man enough to save her." Said the news man with reporting.

He tweeted that? Fuck yes he did. Said I with fuck-yesing.

"INDIGNITIES." Roared Garfield as he punched the punching bag in half with ease at the anger of the reporting.
Garfield waltzed out of gym in quest to rescue Natalie Portman with his manly power. Outside of gym Garfield was confronted with thugs.
"Haha Garfield we were sent by Ashton Kutcher to be putting stop to you. Now is the time for endings!" Said the thugs with arrogant laughs.
"The only thing being stopped is your life! Eat fist!" Roared Garfield with anger.

I'm totally picturing Duke Nukem as Garfield. For the record.

The thugs then attacked Garfield with foolishness. One thug swung a chain at him the other hit him with a baseball bat, but it was no use. They bounced off Garfields muscles like rubber ball on a donkey.
"WHAT?" Cried out the thugs in shocking disbelief.

That's what I was thinking.

"My turn miscreants." Said Garfield has he lifted one thug above his head.
"Time to make a wish." Said Garfield as he snapped the thug in two.
After the thug snapping, Garfield turned to other thug with vengeance.
"Garfield please spare my life I am poor starving man." Said the thug with begging.
"Starve on my fist." Said Garfield as he punched the thugs stomach out.

Ahhahahaha YES!

Garfield then hopped on his Custom Harley Davidson motorcycle and revved the engines to rescue the Natalie Portman.
"Ashton Kutcher I hope your heart is in good health because I am going to rip it out of your chest." Garfield said as he put his shades on and rode off for rescue.
As Garfield rode, a Tractor Trailer truck filled with lasagna drove beside him.

Of course it did.

"Lasagna feed my body and soul. Give me strength to rescue ladies in danger." Garfield said as he looked to the truck.
Lasagna burst out of truck to feed Garfield and entered his mouth for eating, filling Garfields muscular body with power and energy.
"Thank you Lasagna you are now part of me." Garfield said with gratitude to lasagna.

Is this like some kind of metaphor for Catholicism? Nah, probably not.

In the distance Garfield spotted trouble. It was a tank filled with vile minions of Ashton Kutcher.
"Behold Garfield our beast of iron and metal. You ride ends here Garfield for we are righteous." Said the tank commander with taunts.
At villains petty taunts Garfield laughed with scoffing. He turned on his DIO beyond maximum volume and glared at foolish tank with fiery eyes.
"Rust in peace, iron beast." Garfield said to the tank as he rode right through the tank at laser speed splitting it in half.

Gentlemen, behold! Happiness!

Meanwhile in Ashton Kutchers demon lair evil was brewing in hearts of men. Ashton Kutcher was sitting on his throne dressed like wicked sultan while Natalie Portman was chained to the wall.
"Haha Natalie Portman you are mine on this midnight hour. All of your hope should be abandoned for I am your new master!" Cackled Ashton Kutcher with evil.
"No Garfield will save me for he is true hero of man." Natalie Portman said with hope.
"Hoho not even Garfields manliness can save you now. We will star in movies and makes eons of money." Declared Ashton Kutcher with maniac laughing.
"Garfield please come I need you." Natalie Portman said with longing.

You know, I can't help but feel like I would be totally cool with Ashton Kutcher chaining me to a wall. Just me? Ok.

Meanwhile Garfield was riding the lonely road of the hero with hair blowing through wind like wet lasagna in a fan. In the distance Garfield saw Ashton Kutchers palace of pain and evil. It was on Island surrounded by lava and crocodiles. There seemed no way but Garfield never gives up never surrenders.
"Time to do the sky bird." Garfield declared as he pulled out his lasagna glider and glided to island of Ashton Kutcher.

Lasagna glider for the win!

Garfield crashed into room full of Ashton Kutchers loyal guards who would fight in his name to the deaths, but Garfield was not afraid.
"I heard there was party so I stopped by. Do not worry I am polite guest here are some presents." Quipped Garfield a she took out his Desert Eagles and fired at guard scum.

There aren't enough words to express my joy at this.

"My goody bag will be your beating heart Ashton Kutcher!" Garfield shouted with adrenaline pumping.
Garfield searched Ashton Kutchers palace mowing down guards wherever he saw with no mercy. He then came upon doors to Ashton Kutchers throne room but it was sealed with evil power and locks. But Garfield blew it open with ease like big bad wolf blowing down straw houses.

Without any huffing and puffing?

"I am here for the Natalie Portman and for your head on stick." Garfield roared upon entering Ashton Kutchers throne room.
Inside room Garfield saw Natalie Portman chained in imprisonment and Ashton Kutcher sitting on throne.
"Haha Garfield I have been waiting for you. Not even you can be stopping me now." Ashton Kutcher cackled with evil.
"Silence you sultan of sin. Your time is ending near!" Garfield responded with angry vocals.
"Garfield I had enough of your words. Time for fiery doom! Meet the dragon!" Ashton Kutcher said as he whistled for his dragon. At Ashton Kutchers whistling a four headed dragon appeared with fire breathing and roars.
"Enjoy your just deserts!" Ashton Kutcher cackled as he fled like little girl.

Lmfaooooooooooooooo.....

"Haha Garfield! I am hoping you brought your bib because I am going to be smoking you like a ham!" Growled the evil four headed dragon.
"I have no time for dragon distraction." Fumed Garfield with frustration.

Dragon Distraction would be a killer band name.

All hope seemed to be in fire but then familiar voice was heard by all.
"AMAKOOOOO."
It was Jon Arbuckle flying in on jet pack rearing for fighting!
"Do not worry I will take care of this lizard you must go after Ashton Kutcher." Said Jon Arbuckle with support.
"Thank you Jon Arbuckle you are my jet pack backup." Garfield said with gratitude.

Jet Pack Backup... nah, that's not that good.

Garfield went after Ashton Kutcher as Jon Arbuckle battled dragon with mystic blade.
"Ok dragon boy let's do this." Jon Arbuckle said as he drew his mystic katana.

Jon should totally have a katana in the comic.

Meanwhile Garfield was chasing down Ashton Kutcher with justice on mind and in fist. He finally cornered Ashton Kutcher against wall.
"You are at the end of your highway and it is time to pay the toll man." Said Garfield with eyes glaring.

The quick wit in this story is right up there with the Expendables 2. Which, for the record, also gave me joygasms.

"Haha Garfield it is too late. Natalie Portman soul is mine and my life will be immortal!" Ashton Kutcher declared with vile grin.
"Fool your life is short, but my fist is FOREVER." Garfield roared as he charged inner power to max and sent fists flying at Ashton Kutcher at earthquake speed making him supernova.

Yes. YES.

"NOOOO." Cried out Ashton Kutcher as he supernovad.
"Your career just exploded." Quipped Garfield with cleverness.

Ahhahahahaha!

"Thank you Garfield you saved me again." Thanked Natalie Portman with joyful words.
"No problem honeybabes. I can not stand seeing ladies kidnapped." Garfield said as he helped Natalie Portman up.
"Good work Garfield. You saved day again." Said approaching voice. It was Jon Arbuckle! He was holding dragons heads in his hands.
"Yes Jon Arbuckle I think it is time for celebration." Said Garfield in response.
"Yes Garfield we should perform our hit new song for Natalie Portmans music enjoyment." Jon Arbuckle suggested with good ideas as he took out his electric guitar for jamming.

Of course you should.

"Yes here is our new song "Lover and Fighter Man." From album of same name. Old people with diseases should beware of dangerous rocking." Said Garfield as he took out his mic ready for rocking.

I am so using that at my next gig.

Jon Arbuckle began powerful chords of playing while Garfield began to sing with mighty rocking voice:
"I am real man hard like steel
Always hungry for lasagna meal
Busting heads winning every fight
Need to see you naked tonight
I am a Lover and Fighter man
Not a loser and crier man
Baby, Bake me egg in a friar pan
Because I am a lover and fighter man
Every day I am punching and kicking
When I come home I want you for licking
Stupid thugs their heads I crack
But you I want to rub my back
I am a Lover and Fighter Man
Not a loser and crier man
I want to spank you until you tan
Because I am a lover and fighter man"
Jon Arbuckle then began shredding like madman with guitar solo.

Can somebody please cover this? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

"AMAKOOOOOOO." Shouted Jon Arbuckle as flames and lightning burst out of his guitar. After amazing guitar solo Garfield began to sing again:
"I am the champ in the ring
In the bedroom I am king
Bashing villains until they groan
Loving ladies until they moan
I am a lover and fighter man
Not a loser and Crier man
I will make you fly like Peter Pan
Because I am a lover and fighter man"
Natalie Portman screamed and clapped in excitement at the rocking concert. She ran to Garfield with love in her eyes.
"Garfield you are rock star stud muffin. But now I want you to play me like an electric guitar and make me wail." Natalie Portman said with desire.

See, all musicians are sexy. Even if they're cats, they can still fuck Natalie Portman.

"Sure thing sugarbites. I have a concert in my pants and you have first row tickets." Garfield said with flirty words.

WIN.

"Let us go on stage and make music." Said Natalie Portman as she led Garfield to her bedroom.
Garfield and Natalie Portman went on her bed and embraced for love makings. They rubbed eachother with oil and perfume and touched eachother all over. Their bodies then joined like peanut butter and jelly and created delicious loving all night long.
The End..?
Authors Note: Congratulations to Natalie Portman for her pregnancies! Please beware and do not let Ashton Kutcher kidnap your babies. Also I am still single so it is still ok if you would like to date me.

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Your welcome, and excuse me. ;)

Smooth Juice and the Written Word

Hello, interwebs. It's been awhile since I've posted, I apologize. A lot of awesome and crazy things are happening in my life right now, and I'm lovin' it. :)

I'm about three quarters of the way done editing VIVID 2, and I'm starting to get extremely excited. My wonderful and lovely editor is dying for a copy, and I'll be super proud to give it to her. I've been working really hard on it, and while it's taking a lot longer than I thought it would, it's a really fun process and I'm feeling good about the polishing that I'm doing. It's amazing how things fall into place when you just let them simmer and reread them.

I've been doing some side notes, as inspiration strikes, and even though I'm incredibly stoked to be starting VIVID 3 in March, I may take a week long side gander into some short stories. Thanks to Jenny Trout I stumbled upon a racy little web site that is looking for some submissions into their sexy short story category. As some of you close to me know, I've written some erotica (such a nicer word than porn!) in my time, and I'm tempted to give it a try. Just as a side gander though, I promise. The third instalment in Moxie's story is calling very very loudly, so I won't stay away from it terribly long.

So, a juicing update!

In short, I feel fucking awesome. But as you know, I can never talk about anything the short way. ;) I've been incredibly diligent about making vegetable juice twice a day, and ingesting it a half hour before eating solid food so that I absorb all of the nutrients. And let me tell you, it's working.

When I started, it was just a way for me to add some extra nutrients into my daily routine, because I like to eat a lot of crap. I love good-for-you food too, but also so much crap. So I figured I'd be chugging juice in between crap to make sure that I'm not dying of over-chocolating.

But I just realized, a few days ago, that I have stopped over-chocolating. Scientifically (or so I've researched), eating too much crap never makes you feel full, because you're getting enough calories but not enough nutrients. According to that theory, you're loading up on calories but starving your body of nutrients, therefore you're constantly hungry. So, apparently, if you ingest the proper nutrients, you won't be craving food constantly. Of course I thought this was a load of shit. I love food!

I was proven wrong. Not that I don't eat chocolate or chips or bad-for-you stuff anymore, but I don't crave it anymore. I'll be satisfied after two peanut butter cups instead of twenty. And I was the kind of person that can't eat just one Oreo. It was the whole box or nothing. But since I've been having two juices a day, I haven't felt the need to gorge an entire bag of chips or a whole box of cookies. It's odd, but probably a good thing.

I've also been craving a lot of good stuff. In the last little while, we've been experimenting with different healthy foods, like ground flax and quinoa (which kicks the shit out of rice any day!). And the awesome chick that I work with in Elora now, she's a vegan and all into smoothies and stuff. She's introduced me to some intense recipes and teas, all that are super anti-cancer and really healthy for you. I don't even have to think about it any more, my body craves the good stuff now, which is awesome.

I've noticed a serious increase in energy. I've never been a morning person, and I'm still not exactly thrilled about being awake early. But I don't feel like a bag of shit anymore. I had my first 5:30 am shift yesterday, and I got out of bed on the first snooze because I wanted to have time to make a smoothie before work. I walk the dog while I drink the goodness, and I'm not dragging my ass in the morning. It gives me a spring in my step throughout the day, and I don't crash like I would from coffee.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my coffee. :) I'm drinking one right now. But let me tell you, green ass vegetables beat caffeine for energy.

I've started making smoothies, too. I felt like I wasn't getting enough of the leafy greens in the juice, because I'd get barely any juice from them, so I thought if I made smoothies with frozen fruit and the leafy greens, I'd get everything all in one glass. I also don't eat/drink a lot of dairy, so I figured that having yogurt and milk would be good for me too. I discovered that you can mix ground seeds with smoothies too, and it'll give you a massive dose of protein. Apparently flax gels when it gets wet and it's really good for your colon. ^_^' The more you know!

So I've been doing two juices and two smoothies a day, and I feel fucking amazing. My skin is clearer, I have more energy, I'm craving healthy stuff, I'm in great spirits (although that might have something to do with my recent job change, too), and I'm pretty sure my boobs are perkier. I'm not 100% positive, but my girls just seem happier lately. I've read that copious amounts of veggies build muscle and tighten the skin, so it's possible that I've given my titties a little lift. Which is another awesome side effect.

So all in all, I recommend this. Even if a juicer isn't in your budget, if you have some kind of blender or processor you can make smoothies with just about anything. I like to use the juicer for my veggie stuff, like tomatoes, carrots, celery, and beets. Then I use the blender with frozen fruit, yogurt, milk, greens (spinach or kale) and grains. If you're lactose intolerant or don't like milk you can use orange or apple juice to make smoothies too. My vegan friend makes these super intense kale/ginger/lemon/orange smoothies with a VitaMix blender, which basically liquefies everything into super-goodness. It's some serious sinus-clearing flavour, but it's fucking delicious. And you feel like you can lift a car afterwards.

Anyways, that's an update into my health-kick adventure, in case anyone was interested. If you have any questions, or if you do anything like this to help your nutrition, let me know in the comments! I'm always looking for new recipes or ideas to continue boosting my health. (I know, I should quit smoking, blah friggedy blah.)

On a totally different note, I was directed to this blogring which is the hub on information and discussion about why 50 Shades of Grey is about abuse. I highly recommend checking it out, even if you've never read the series or don't care about it, it's a really interesting look into social culture and what people really believe in society. It blows my mind the amount of people that romanticize abusive relationships, and how completely blind they are to the fact that they're a slap in the face to people that have been through it.

I hadn't realized that people have stepped forward and tried to contact E.L. James about these issues, people that have been through controlling and horrible relationships. And she sluffed them off, because she's 50 Shades of Horrible Insensitive Stupid Bitch.

Anyway, I'm gonna eat some awesome dinner and get back to editing. Thanks for the little break!

Knights and Dragons iPhone Guide

2013-07-15 UPDATE: I've moved this entire blog over to WordPress, so this post will no longer be updated on Blogger. Click here for the new blog, where all of the updates will happen! I've imported the entire blog, so all of your comments will remain intact and 'add me' requests will be visible. :) Happy battling!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I've poked around the internet a few times for some answers to a few questions with the highly addictive Knights and Dragons for iPhone. It's got all of the good elements of a sim game, with an RPG twist. It's my favourite smoke-break time-waster. But, it being fairly new, I haven't been able to find any kind of guide or anything for it, so I thought maybe I'd start one. I'm at level 101, so I'm not an expert yet, but at least I can give some insights and tips and as comprehensive of an armor guide as I can put together. I'll keep updating as I keep learning.

Game Basics

The main screen shows your kingdom, which at the beginning is pretty empty. At the top there is a level experience bar, a health bar for your knights, your gold (the main game currency) and your gems (the premium currency that can be won or bought with real world money). To the left is the quest log, and on the bottom right is the PVP arena and the menu button.

My girls hanging out in the kingdom.

In your kingdom, you start with the arena, armorsmith, fusion master, and the chance chest. You get a free chest every day, or you can use gems to open them, or get keys from defeating monsters. They contain anything from gold to fusion stones to armor.

The rest of the world consists of areas that are made up of five sets of battles, ranging from one to five stars: Normal, Mighty, Valor, Honor, Epic. The difficulty level is from low to high, and they unlock as you complete each stage. They consist of three to seven fights in each stage, and at the end of each one is a boss to defeat.

The PVP arena is where your knights battle other players knights (up to three knights on each side). If you lose, you get 5 xp and 5 gold, and if you win you get 10 xp and 10 gold. You can 'double down' after a win, and gamble your winnings for the next battle. It will double the win, but if you lose, you lose everything. You can do this up to seven times, capping at 350%, then it forces you to cash out and you can start doubling down again from scratch.

I always almost make it into the top 100. ^_^'

What I've found works the best for me when it comes to PVP tournaments is to always double down. I've found that I can't get very far playing it safe and only getting 10 points for each battle. Otherwise I'd have to play constantly all day, and that's just not feasible. It's worth the gamble to double down up to 350% every time. Also, battle your friends! Every time you do a friend battle, you win 10 gold and 6 points that count towards the tournament. It can be tedious when you have a lot of friends (which is why I don't do it every day, and likely why I never win tournaments), but it's worth it.

Social

Everyone likes having friends. And in this game it isn't about asking them for items (although being able to gift fusion stones would be nice!), it's about them helping fight the good fight. You can hire up to two friends to help you in a battle, up to ten friends per day. This is extremely helpful when you want to open up the map or finish a quest but you're not quite strong enough to do it on your own. They're there every day, so use them!

They can also be super helpful if you're having trouble with the weekly bosses, keep an eye out for any friends wearing the armor you need to defeat them.

You can also battle your friends, as mentioned above, once per day. In the beginning there are tons of quests to do so, and it can be tedious and annoying, especially because I find that this section of the game lags a bit. But it's easy experience for completing quests, and you get points towards the weekly tournament.

Buildings and Earning Gold

There isn't really a lot to worry about in the kingdom. All of the main things can be accessed from the menu, and everything else that fills your kingdom are buildings that produce gold. They will cap at a certain gold output, and then sit there until you collect. So you don't have to worry about checking back every five minutes, because your gold isn't going anywhere.

Gold is important to be able to craft armor. You want to upgrade to the best buildings possible early on to maximize your income. Unfortunately space is limited at the beginning, so unlocking areas to make room for more buildings is important too. Unlocking space in your kingdom ranges from a few thousand gold up to two million for the last spot. Unlock as you can, but remember to keep a good gold stash for crafting armor.

Training centers galore!

I found the most useful low level building for income is the Guard Tower, it only makes 167 gold an hour but it caps at 2,000, so it makes money for longer. It's 300 gold to buy. Once you have some better cash flow, the Dungeon is awesome as well, it makes 450 gold an hour and caps at 9,000. My very favourite for once you have unlimited cash flow and all of the spaces unlocked is the Training Field. It makes 1,167 gold an hour and caps at 14,000, so you don't have to check on them very often and still be making money. All of these buildings can be upgraded once with gold to increase output and cap, and then after that they can only be upgraded with gems.

Knights, Elements, and Battles

You start out with one knight, your 'commander'. As you progress through the early battle areas, you will collect five more knights, each with their own specific element. Your commander will always have higher stats, and is not limited to any type of armor. Each of the five other knights have lower stats and can only wear armor of the element it is attributed to.

The five elements are Fire, Spirit, Earth, Air, and Water. Fire is strong against Spirit, Spirit against Earth, Earth against Air, Air against Water, and Water against Fire. This is important to remember when heading into a battle. The beginning screen for each battle will tell you what elements you can expect to come up against, and what elements are strong against it so you can adjust your armor and knights accordingly.

Yeah, I know my names are stupid. :)

You can only battle with up to three knights, so choose carefully before a battle. Try to avoid using elements weak to what you're fighting. On the bottom right hand side of the battle screen is a special attack bar. When it fills up, it turns yellow, and you can unleash a powerful attack onto your enemy. If you do this when their health bar is low, then they will drop an armor crafting material when they die. The lower level enemies will drop element shards, and the bosses will drop different materials for the more powerful armor.

The yellow special attack bar is ready to go!

I've found that the best strategy is to collect as many low level materials as I can, but if I'm getting close to a boss, to save that special attack for them. Crafting stronger armor means upgrading current armor faster.

Whoopin his butt with a special attack to get some Stone Slabs.

Armor Crafting and Leveling

Armor has levels just like the knights do, except they have a cap. You can use old or unused armor to upgrade the ones that you want to be stronger, and higher level armor will give more experience points to the one that you're upgrading. When armor reaches a certain level, a 'plus' armor will be unlocked that you can craft that will be stronger than the one that you're leveling. For example, the Snakeskin Amor has 50 levels, and when you get it to level 15, it unlocks Snakeskin Armor+, which you can now craft and will ultimately be stronger than the original Snakeskin Armor.

I've never leveled the basic armors, so at this point I don't know if they can be 'plus' or not.

The five lowest level armors are Basic Earth, Basic Water, Basic Fire, Basic Air, and Basic Spirit. These can be crafted with 3 shards of the same element, and only take 5 minutes to complete. These armors have 30 levels, but I don't suggest leveling them. The armors crafted from the boss materials are stronger and a better value for upgrading.

The boss armor is as follows (element and level cap on the right, materials needed underneath):
Stonescale Plate Mail - Earth - 30
4 Stone Slabs
Seafoam Armor - Water - 30
4 Chunks of Coral
Snakeskin Armor - Water/Earth - 50
8 Snakeskin Leather Strips
Dragonflame Armor - Fire - 30
4 Crimson Dragon Scales
Wing Warrior's Armor - Air - 30
4 Valhallan Steel Ingots
Mystic Armor - Spirit - 30
4 Mystic Cloth Scraps
Atlantean Avenger Armor - Water/Air - 50
8 Typhoon Gems
Crius Armor - Earth/Air - 50
12 Shiny Shards
Chimera Corps Uniform - Spirit/Earth - 50
12 Chimera Talons
Living Flame Armor - Fire/Spirit - 50
12 Phoenix Feathers
Hydra Hunter's Mail - Water/Fire - 50
8 Hydra Scales
Spectral Captain's Uniform - Spirit/Water - 70
18 Ghostly Beard Hairs
Swamp Shaman's Robes - Earth/Water - 70
18 Wriggling Roots
Rocfeather Robes - Spirit/Air - 70
18 Roc Feathers
Armor of the Infernal Lord - Earth/Fire - 70
18 Infernal Iron Chunks
The Dark Prince's Royal Armor - Fire/Spirit - 70
22 Evil Jewels

What I found to be most effective in the beginning was to pick one armor and upgrade it right up. I used the Dragonflame Armor, because I wanted to not be weak to the air enemies in the Cold Iron Crags, and I wanted an advantage over the spirit enemies in the Faerie Forest. Once past the Faerie Forest, you start getting into the higher level armor, and those give you the most bang for your buck. Eventually the best goal is to have one set of three very versatile elemented armors that you can switch between two groups of three knights to maximize how effective your battling is in one session. Once the knights are out of health, you have to wait for them to regenerate, so it's nice to get a few battles in before they're too dead to participate.

You can use up to four armor sets at a time to upgrade.

I've also started making sure that I get double the materials needed to craft a new armor, so that I can level the first one up high enough to unlock the 'plus' armor, then craft that. There's no point in spending the materials leveling an armor past that point unless it's as powerful as it can be. I've gotten to the point now where all of my boss armors are 'plus' armors, and I'm working on leveling them all up to max.

I've found that the higher the level cap on an armor, the harder it is to level up. Basic element armors won't do much on the 70 level armors, but the 50 level ones will go faster. Work on those first, and you'll have a decent set of three to get you through to endgame. The level 70 armors need dual element armors for enhancement to really put a dent in leveling them up.

Extra Bosses and the Summoning Stone

You'll notice right by the first battle area that there is a crater of dirt and a spot called the Summoning Stone. Once you defeat a boss for the first time, they will be available at the Summoning Stone. You can summon them for gems, and be guaranteed to get materials that you need.

The regular game bosses start at 4 gems, but the weekly bosses are all 30.

Once a week (or so) an extra boss will breeze through and harass you while you're fighting your regular battles. There will be a questline to defeat it so many times, and at the end of the questline, you'll have enough materials to craft a special armor. This takes a ton of materials, and I've found that these special armors aren't as powerful as the boss ones.

However, they're usually cool looking, so if you really want to use them and make the most of them, you have to be quick. They all will go up to 'plus' armors too, but you have only a few days to a week of a window to get all of the materials needed for two sets. The boss will only show up randomly while you're fighting random battles. If you go to the first area, the Relic Ruins, and choose the Epic Stage. If you're at an obscenely high level with strong armor, it doesn't really matter who you use or what you wear, the enemies will only be able to take 1 hp off of you. If you're lower than that, make sure that you're maximizing on spirit armor and minimizing on air. Keep battling this stage over and over, and kill the boss every time he shows up. You'll get a lot of earth shards and stone slabs, and you'll also be finishing the boss quests quickly.

Now, most of these armors take 50-70 materials to make, which is a ton, and most of the initial materials come from the quests. So it'll take a lot of grinding, but continue to fight at the Relic Ruins until you have the materials required to make a second set of the armor. Once you have that, you can level it up at your leisure until it's high enough to create a 'plus' armor. What I like to do is to create the 'plus' armor and then upgrade it with the original armor. It'll give it a nice level boost due to the original already being level 15-20, and then I won't accidentally use it because it's higher than level 1.

For this week (Feb 8th) it's the Banshee. Looks like Edward Scissorhair.

If you miss your chance to get all of the materials and the boss is gone, you can use the Summoning Stone, but it's a pretty hefty amount of gems and you only get two materials. I was under the impression when I started playing the game that these bosses would eventually come back, and I could get more materials then, but I haven't come across it, new bosses keep being created, so as far as I know, you only get the once chance and then you have to pay.

I won't include a list of the armors that I've found with the weekly bosses, unless they do start cycling through again. Unless you want to pay a ton of gems to craft them, you won't be able to make them anyway.

Every time a new boss comes to town, there is an armor set available in the Enchanted Chance Chests that when put on, deals extra damage to the boss. As far as I know, there is no way to craft these, you just have to get lucky and get them from the chests. And they don't seem terribly powerful, so I've never leveled them, and I don't know if they will allow 'plus' versions or not.

Note: I've found that fusion will give you the weekly boss armors, which is handy if it's that week, so you can just level up that one and then use the materials from the quest to create a 'plus' version. See Fusion Guide below.

Bosses and What They Drop

Sometimes you'll have a multitude of quests that require you to make different types of armor or collect many different materials. It helps to know what bosses drop what, in case you're after their rare drop and also their common drop. That way you don't spend too much time fighting the lower bosses and then ending up with a ton of frustration trying to get the rarer materials.

For example, if I had a quest to collect Typhoon Gems and Ghostly Beard Hairs, it would be more effective to start with Ghostbeard the Pirate because he drops both. If I battled Waterio I'd end up with enough Typhoon Gems and some extra Chunks of Coral, but then I'd go battle Ghostbeard for longer because the Beard Hairs are rarer, and then I'd end up with a ton more Typhoon Gems anyway. Of course, if you want lots of extra materials to be able to craft lots of armor, this is fine, but for the sake of finishing the quests and leveling up quicker, the previous method is more effective.

Here's a list of the bosses, their element, and the type of materials they drop (rarest on the right):

Earthquake Serpent - Earth - Stone Slabs
Water Elemental - Water - Chunks of Coral
Gorgon Warmistress - Snakeskin Leather Scraps
Crimson Dragon - Crimson Dragon Scales
Mighty Mammoth Rider - Valhallan Steel Ingots
Titania - Mystic Cloth Scraps
Waterio - Chunks of Coral - Typhoon Gems
Cockatrice - Valhallan Steel Ingots - Shiny Shards
Chimera - Stone Slabs - Chimera Talons
Phoenix - Mystic Cloth Scraps - Phoenix Feathers
Hydra - Crimson Dragon Scales - Hydra Scales
Ghostbeard The Pirate - Typhoon Gems - Ghostly Beard Hairs
Swamp Kraken - Hydra Scales - Wriggling Roots
The Roc God - Shiny Shards - Roc Feathers
Cerberus - Chimera Talons - Infernal Iron Chunks
Prince Of Darkness - Phoenix Feathers - Evil Jewels

Fusion Guide

You can collect fusion stones from battles, PVP rewards, chests, or you can buy them. Each stone allows you to fuse two armor sets together to make new armor.

This guy looks way too happy about fusion.

This list is not complete yet, because I haven't done a lot of fusion. I'm currently fusing as much as I can to compile a full list, but I can only craft so much armor at a time. While playing through all of the areas, I only did whatever fusion was required for quests, but didn't see much of a need for it. It's a quick way to get new armor, but unfortunately it doesn't create 'plus' armor, which is what I've been after.

On the other hand, if you are buying stones and have access to an unlimited amount, it is very useful to fuse the basic element armors together. On their own, they don't level armor very fast for upgrading, but when fused together they make better armor sets that will boost xp significantly.

So this is my list in progress:
Also, I'm not sure if you get different things from fusing the same things multiple times. These are the ones that I got, and I did a couple of them twice to see if I got different outcomes, and I didn't. But I didn't want to waste too many fusion stones on the same ones, so if you follow this and you happen to get something different, please leave it in the comments and I'll add it to my list.

Basic Earth/Basic Air - Monstrous Garb (Earth/Air)
Basic Earth/Basic Water - Snakeskin Armor (Earth/Water)
Basic Earth/Basic Fire - Volcanic Mantle (Earth/Fire)
Basic Earth/Basic Spirit - Monk's Vestments (Earth/Spirit)
Basic Air/Basic Water - Lightning Lord Armor (Air/Water)
Basic Air/Basic Fire - Flamestorm Finery (Air/Fire)
Basic Air/Basic Spirit - Wind Monarch's Robes (Air/Spirit)
Basic Water/Basic Fire - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)
Basic Water/Basic Spirit - Wavecharmer's Mantle (Water/Spirit)
Basic Fire/Basic Spirit - Living Flame Armor (Fire/Spirit)

Dragonflame Armor/Basic Earth - Volcanic Mantle (Fire/Earth)
Dragonflame Armor/Basic Air - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)
Dragonflame Armor/Basic Water - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)
Dragonflame Armor/Basic Spirit - Living Flame Armor (Spirit/Fire)

Mystic Armor/Basic Earth - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)
Mystic Armor/Basic Air - Wind Monarch's Robes (Spirit/Air)
Mystic Armor/Basic Water - Glacier Armor (Spirit/Water)
Mystic Armor/Basic Fire - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)

Seafoam Armor/Basic Earth - Asura Armor (Water/Earth)
Seafoam Armor/Basic Spirit - Wavecharmer's Mantle (Water/Spirit)
Seafoam Armor/Basic Air - Atlantean Avenger Armor (Air/Water)
Seafoam Armor/Basic Fire - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)

Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Spirit - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)
Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Air - Crius Armor (Air/Earth)
Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Fire - Volcanic Mantle (Fire/Earth)
Stonescale Plate Mail/Basic Water - Asura Armor (Water/Earth)

Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Spirit - Wind's Monarch Robes (Spirit/Air)
Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Fire - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)
Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Water - Atlantean Avenger Armor (Air/Water)
Wing Warrior's Armor/Basic Earth - Crius Armor (Air/Earth)

Dragonflame Armor/Mystic Armor - Living Flame Armor (Spirit/Fire)
Dragonflame Armor/Seafoam Armor - Hydra Hunter's Mail (Fire/Water)
Dragonflame Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Volcanic Mantle (Fire/Earth)
Dragonflame Armor/Wing Warrior's Armor - Flamestorm Finery (Fire/Air)
Mystic Armor/Seafoam Armor - Wavecharmer's Mantle (Water/Spirit)
Mystic Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)
Mystic Armor/Wing Warrior's Armor - Wind Monarch's Robes (Spirit/Air)
Seafoam Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Snakeskin Armor (Earth/Water)
Seafoam Armor/Wing Warrior's Armor - Atlantean Avenger Armor (Air/Water)
Stonescale Plate Mail/Wing Warrior's Armor - Flowstone Battlegear (Earth/Air)

Living Flame Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Chimera Corps Uniform (Earth/Spirit)
Chimera Corps Uniform/Basic Water Armor - Glacier Armor (Spirit/Water)
Glacier Armor/Stonescale Plate Mail - Asura Armor (Water/Earth)

The Kingdom of Darkness

The last battle area is the Kingdom of Darkness, and I just thought I'd give a heads up to those of you who haven't gotten there yet. Be prepared! Each stage in the KOD is all boss battles, and they're way harder to defeat than ever before. So make sure that you've got some high armor and some friends in high places because they're tough battles to live through.

Pretty much all of the elements are present in every stage, so just slap on your highest level armor and hope for the best.

The cool thing about this area is that if you have any quests left where you have to collect materials, it's a lot faster to get them because the bosses are all together. You don't have to go through seven battles of peons to get to the good stuff. There are a few peons with a boss for every battle. They also are more likely to drop chance chest keys than in any other area.

Every enemy in this area gives tons of xp, so you'll gain levels much quicker. This is handy in the middle of a stage when you're about to die.

Normal Stage:
Battle 1/3 - Earthquake Serpent
Battle 2/3 - Water Elemental
Battle 3/3 - Gorgon Warmistress

Mighty Stage:
Battle 1/3 - Crimson Dragon
Battle 2/3 - Mighty Mammoth Rider
Battle 3/3 - Titania

Valor Stage:
Battle 1/3 - Waterio
Battle 2/3 - Cockatrice
Battle 3/3 - Chimera

Honor Stage:
Battle 1/3 - Phoenix
Battle 2/3 - Hydra
Battle 3/3 - Ghostbeard The Pirate

Epic Stage:
Battle 1/4 - Swamp Kraken
Battle 2/4 - The Roc God
Battle 3/4 - Cerberus
Battle 4/4 - Prince of Darkness
*Beware that the Prince of Darkness has two forms, so don't waste your special attack on his first form!*

Max Armor Stats

Here's a list of the main boss armor and their maximum stats. Unfortunately I don't have the early ones, and don't care to level them up because it would be a waste of materials. I had Dragonflame and Stonescale maxed out but I enhanced higher level armor with them long before I started this guide. I also had Steam Wizard and Lightning Lord armors maxed out, but when I realized I wouldn't be able to craft + versions of them I used them to enhance stronger armor, because they weren't very powerful anyway. I'm working on maxing out all of the main armors so I will post the stats here as I do.

Atlantean Avenger Armor+ Level 50/50: Attack 746 Defense 777
Crius Armor+ Level 50/50:
Chimera Corps Uniform+ Level 50/50:
Living Flame Armor+ Level 50/50: Attack 777 Defense 737
Hydra Hunter's Mail+ Level 50/50:
Spectral Captain's Uniform+ Level 70/70:
Swamp Shaman Robes+ Level 70/70:
Rocfeather Robes+ Level 70/70:
Armor of the Infernal Lord+ Level 70/70:
The Dark Prince's Royal Armor+ Level 70/70:

Tips For Progressing Smoothly and Quickly

1. Quests! Finish your quests as best you can, because they give lots of experience. Sometimes you even get armor, fusion stones, materials, and/or gems.

2. Use your friends to your advantage. If you have some high level friends, and your knights are pretty hurt but can still enter a battle, queue up a battle with a weak knight and two high powered friends. You can unlock extra stages this way without having to wait for your knights to heal. This will open up the map faster, and get you much needed experience from battles. Always keep your friends list maxed!

3. Level armor one at a time. Try not to spread out your leveling, otherwise you'll have six mediocre knights instead of two or three powerful ones. Remember to level diverse elements so that you can cover all bases no matter where you go for battles. If you're hurting in a new stage because you don't have the right elements at a high enough level, call in some friends for backup.

4. Fusion is your friend. If you're trying to level a level 70 armor and it's taking forever because you don't have enough materials to make dual element armor, fuse together basic element armors to make more powerful sets. Then use those to enhance.

5. Open up the map as far as you can before you can't battle anymore. If you've gone as far as you can on your quests and/or are getting bored grinding for certain materials for a quest, open up new stages. The further you can go, the more experience points you're going to get from killing enemies. Plus it gives you a heads up for what's happening in the next area when you have to go there to quest.

Conclusion

I hope that this guide helps people out, whether they're just starting the game or not. If anyone has any comments or questions or wants to let me know whether I got something wrong or missed something, please don't hesitate to leave comments below.

Also I have a question, for anyone out there that knows, I've come across a knight in the arena with strange armor. The element is a white pentagon, and his attack kills me every time. I've only seen him with it, nobody else, and I don't know what it is. I thought maybe it was the reward for beating the Dark Prince, but I'm done all of that and I've never seen it. I'm not sure if maybe I can fuse it, but I'll see as I go through fusing if I can find it. Or maybe it was a first prize in PVP? He does really well in the tournaments, so that's an idea. Anyway, if anyone knows what that armor is and/or how to get it, it would help my curiosity greatly. :)

2013-02-09 EDIT

So, I found a really wicked comprehensive armor crafting blog for this game HERE. The general consensus over there is that all of the armor fusion is random, so you never really know what you're going to get when you fuse two elements together. So, my list up there will continue, but now it's just a list of what I've gotten. There's a ton of discussion over there too, so check it out! I'm going to continue my list, just for shits and giggles, but it's not the be all and end all of fusing armor.

Also in answer to my question above, that armor is called Starmetal Armor and someone has fused it by combining Barbarian Raiding Gear and Spectral Captain's Uniform. So w00t! I'll try it eventually and see what happens.

2013-02-10 EDIT

I'm out of fusion stones. ^_^'

Thanks for reading!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2013-07-15 UPDATE: I've moved this entire blog over to WordPress, so this post will no longer be updated on Blogger. Click here for the new blog, where all of the updates will happen! I've imported the entire blog, so all of your comments will remain intact and 'add me' requests will be visible. :) Happy battling!